Last night, I went to Taco Bell with Jarrod for my bi-weekly fast food taco fix, and was completely shocked by what I saw on the menu:The 89-cent Volcano Taco. That motherfucking taco is so motherfucking hot that the shell turned red! But seriously, Red 40 food dye has never excited me so much. I bought one of these suckers (as did Jarrod), and was blown away by the spiciness that rocked my food hole.
First of all, it isn't the shell itself that is spicy. I know this may be a bit misleading, but bear with me here. See that little layer of what looks like melted cheese in between the meat and lettuce up there? That's some sort of weird, make-you-shit-out-your-organs spicy sauce. Maybe I'm exaggerating the spiciness a bit, but I guess I'm just sort of shocked a nationwide fast food place would have something like this. Spiciness like this is usually reserved for shady Mexican food restaurants on the side of the highway.
Second, my taco came as a part of TB's new Big Bell Box. It's basically a lap-sized box that contains a Volcano Taco, supreme burrito, Crunchwrap supreme, cinnamon twists, and a large soda, all for $5.99 (apparently they contain different items in other areas, for $4.99). This 1540-calorie behemoth filled me up so much, that I couldn't even finish the burrito. This is a true man's meal, assuming that man's rectum is made of steel. At the risk of losing a few readers, I just have to say that my ass felt like I had been raped by a jalapeno this morning.
Sadly, Taco Bell's website informs me that the Volcano Taco is only available for a limited time. I know for a fact that if they were to permanently add this to the menu, I'd go there at least once a week to enjoy a Baja Blast and three of these puppies. Oh well. I guess I had better enjoy it while it lasts.
EDIT: Here is Jarrod's opinion on the Volcano Taco:
Let me start off by saying that I eat "fast food" once or twice a month. It's not that I don't like the taste or anything; I just don't prefer overpriced, unhealthy nourishment. So, as you might presume, I wasn’t all too excited to venture to Taco Bell. That being said, I for one wanted to go to Denny's to sample the not-so-healthy Rock Star Menu. However, due to the fact that we were accompanied by two friends who happened to be under the influence of the ever so delightful cannabis, we chose to go to Taco Bell.
So we pull into America's favorite commodity, the drive-thru and as we’re preparing to order, something quite interesting instantly catches my eye: the gleaming red taco on the bottom of the menu. I announce my bewilderment by stating, “What the fuck is a Volcano Taco?!” Nevertheless, I decide to order one along with one of Taco Bell’s relatively new frozen drinks, a Mango-Strawberry Frutista Freeze. Although it isn’t made with real fruit juice, it did have real strawberries on top and inside of it, and, to my surprise, came with a purple spoon straw. It turned out to be fairly decent until about two-thirds of the way through when the fruit, ice, and slush start to separate from one another and it starts to taste like watered down mango-strawberry juice. As for the Volcano Taco, it’s essentially a regular hard-shell Taco Bell taco with a red shell and cheesy hot sauce added. When I first bit into it my mouth was ambushed by the fiery sauce, which is, as Taco Bell calls it, Cheesy Lava Sauce. I believe that it’s Taco Bell’s Fire Border Sauce mixed with nacho cheese. It happens to be considerably spicy (I didn’t think that it was as spicy as Ty did, but then again, I don’t have a vagina) yet exceptionally tasty as well, in fact, it was my favorite part of the taco. All in all, the Volcano Taco is a flavorful snack and I wouldn’t mind having seconds.
And my rebuttal:
Jarrod, I don't have a vagina.