Thursday, July 31, 2008


Way back in May of 2007, [adult swim] had what they called the "Night of 1000 Pilots," where they showed five pilot (AKA: first) episodes of shows they were thinking about broadcasting regularly. They let the fans choose what show they would pick up via online poll, and promised that whichever show won would get one season shown on [as], and more if it was successful. Among the five was a magical show called Superjail!

This show is about the Warden (seen above), the proprietor and...warden of a jail named Superjail!, where the prisoners that have committed the world's most heinous crimes are incapacitated. It doesn't really have a solid plot, but it focuses on instances and misadventures inside the walls of the jail. The Warden is joined by Jared, the jail's formerly alcoholic accountant, and Alice, the likely-transsexual prison guard that the Warden has a crush on.
But enough about that. This is one of the most vile, violent, and offensive ten minutes of television you will ever watch. There are no words in my vocabulary to describe what goes on at this jail. Limbs are sawed off, penises are ripped off by birds (offscreen), and other such horrors. They really push the envelope.
The animation is beautiful too. It's absolutely gorgeous how everything flows together so flawlessly. The art may look crappy from the two pictures I've shown you, but wait until you see it in action.
At the end of the poll, Superjail! ended up in the #2 spot (after The Drinky Crow Show) with 21% of the votes. As promised, [as] will run The Drinky Crow Show starting in January of 2009. The third place winner, Fat Guy Stuck in Internet, was also picked up, premiering this June. So I ask this question: why not Superjail! too? Having watched all five pilots on that night, this was easily the best (or second-best, depending on who you talk to), so why skip over it? I'd watch this show and buy every season ever produced if they extended it into a series. Hell, I can show you other people that would as well. I want Superjail! to be produced. Drop Xavier: Renegade Angel or Saul of the Mole Men and pick this up, you twits.

Wikipedia says there were only two episodes ever made, the pilot and episode 1. Click here to view and download the pilot.

I've been nominated!

I've been nominated for two Blogger's Choice Awards! These yearly awards salute the best of the best in the Blogsphere, and I'm nominated in two catergories: Best Entertainment Blog and Best Blog About Stuff. Fellow Blogger Adri Leya nominated me for both, and I want to extend my undying thanks. I may not win, but this is a fantastic way to get the blog out there into the world.
Click here to go vote for the Entertainment section, and here for the Stuff section. I will be incredibly happy if you do. You have to create an account, but it's pretty painless.

This definitely just made my week. Thanks again, Adri.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Monster found in Montauk

This strange creature was found washed up on the eastern shoreline of Long Island on July 12:

No one knows what the fuck it is. Biologists around the world (who have seen the picture only) are stumped. No word yet on if it is actually real, or a prop for a movie. Apparently there is a government testing facility not far from where this washed ashore. But realistically, most people are convinced that it is a shell-less turtle (despite the fact that turtles' skin is attached to their shell, making this impossible), a decayed dog corpse, or an alien from another planet. Some are saying it's just Photoshopped.
But I'm truly concerned that this is another stupidly elaborate viral marketing scheme, and when they cut open its stomach its organs will fall out, spelling "CLOVERFIELD 2" or something. That, and people are also convinced that it is viral marketing for this show, set to premiere soon on Cartoon Network. Seems like a bit much for a cartoon.
Whatever it is, I'll keep you all updated.
Also, no one knows who took it where.

My problem

I have an addiction. No, it isn't to drugs, sex, or tobacco, but to Coca Cola. This carbonated brown beverage is my drink of choice more than it should be. I drink around 5 cans a day. I'm fully convinced my blood contains some form of high-fructose corn syrup, because I imbibe so much daily. I know this, yet I can't stop. I don't want to stop.
To be honest, I'm not even sure why I drink so much. It doesn't taste particularly good. It also always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So why do I continue to drink it? Because, like I said, I'm completely addicted. I go through withdrawls if I don't have at least two a day. I get headaches, become cranky, can't sleep, and get stomachaches. It's like being addicted to a legal drug. I hate to make that comparison, but it's the only one I can think of that comes even close to what I experience when I don't drink it.
My parents have seen how much I drink, and are trying help me. I commend them for trying, but it is near-futile. I've tried numerous times to stop, but have had no luck whatsoever. Sure, I can cut back, but I can't quit. During the school year, I'd have to take two to school to satisfy my cravings. I'd drink one during third period, and one during lunch (fifth period). It was that bad.
I can tell the difference between Coke and any other beverage, whether it is a knock-off or Pepsi. I'm so confident in my Coke-detecting abilities, that I think I could probably identify it by smell if I had to. This isn't right, in my opinion.
When I think of myself as an old man, I see myself drinking Coke. I picture myself opening some futuristic bottle (a la the Pepsi bottle in Back to the Future II), and still having that familiar feeling of relief when it flows into my mouth. Maybe by that time they can just inject it into my bloodstream, rather than wasting time by drinking it.


This picture was taken last weekend as Madonna walked through an airport with her daughter, Lourdes:

I only have one thing to say about this picture: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. Her arms, her face, her shins, her hands, everything is just gross. You'd think being one of the most successful pop artists of all time would earn you some sort of magic spell so your skin doesn't turn into vein-ridden leather, but I guess not. Click on it to see the disgusting-ness in all of its glory.
Also, Lourdes needs Nair. She has a unibrow (which is nicely pointed out by that she-woman tiara thing she's wearing) and a moustache. This girl has a bigger moustache than me! Come on Madonna, stop worrying about your appearance and focus on her. She needs it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I don't understand this terminology

I have never understood the term "racial tolerance." The straight-outta-the-dictionary definition for tolerate is this:

to endure or resist the action of (as a drug or food) without serious side effects or discomfort : exhibit physiological tolerance for

a: to allow to be or to be done without prohibition, hindrance, or contradiction
b: to put up with
So essentially, this term literally means "putting up with different races." Not accepting them for who they are, but dealing with the fact that we can't change that they exist. It's as if asking people to accept races as their human brothers is asking too much out of them. No, we just need to "tolerate" them, like we tolerate children asking millions of questions, or how we tolerate a lover's chronic halitosis.
Now, I'm not knocking these people that promote what they call "racial tolerance," but I've always thought they needed to get their terminology down before picking fights with the KKK.

And no, I don't really have any suggestions as to what they should change it to. Maybe something along the lines of "Hey, people that don't have the same skin color as you are people too," or something. They could be the HPTDHTSSCAYAPT organization.
Eh, maybe that's too long. But fun to say.

State of the blog: July 29, 2008

Hello everyone. No "real" update for today, I've been cleaning and catching up on my shows all day. Sorry. I'll be sure to post a lot of content tomorrow, though.

Paul Budnitz's people contacted my people and sent his interview over. Expect it to be posted this Saturday morning at 8AM sharp. Get excited! For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, I've been trying to get an interview with Kidrobot creator Paul Budnitz for about three weeks now, and got it this morning. You can read his blog by clicking on the link with his name on it along the right side of this page.

I'm confident in saying that Danny will be posting some content pretty soon, hopefully. He has a hectic work schedule, and it's hard to get ahold of him, but we'll work something out soon, I promise. I'm sure you get tired of my rambling sometimes.

Speaking of work, I'm getting a job within the next month. No telling how this will effect the blog, but we'll see. I doubt it'll change anything, to be honest.

I have all of my articles up until Sunday planned (meaning I don't have one for Sunday), so if there is anything you'd like me to write about in the next few weeks, let me know. I'll even thank you in the article.

And finally, some good news for all of you Evil Deadheads out there: they are making a fourth movie and Bruce Campbell agreed to do it. Get excited.

Happy 1-month, everyone! I'll see if I can't post something small later, but if not, see you all tomorrow.

Monday, July 28, 2008

The saddest Pokemon card in existence

I am fully convinced that the above is the saddest Pokemon card in existence. In the foreground is a crying Omanyte, which is sad on its own. But take a gander at the two Omanytes in the background. First of all, they are showing some pretty hot hand/tentacle-holding action back there, gazing lovingly into one another's eyes. Second, there is a HEART MADE OF BUBBLES ABOVE THEM. This is near impossible. It's clear and obvious to me that those two in the background spent hours choreographing their bubble blowing techniques to form a heart bubble and make the foreground Omanyte cry at their awesomeness. Those bitches.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The best of en-tur-tain-munt (part 1)

Since this is the 50th thing I've written on here, I decided I would celebrate by doing a "best of en-tur-tain-munt" post. It's mostly because I'm lazy and don't have anything else that I want to write about at the moment, but here it goes:

Memories and rants:
Color Perception Theory
Mountain Dew: Baja Blast
Flintstones vitamins
Wooly Willy wall mural
Meeting Miranda Cosgrove
How Blink-182 changed my life

Bitchy posts:
Clifford the Big Red Dog
Originality in Hollywood
Jim Carrey
New-age spoof movies
Why Garfield Sucks
Why I can't take Disturbed seriously

John Vanderslice
A.J. Jacobs
Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship
Dr. Manhattan

Here's to 50 more, eh?
Also, the 29th will be the one-month anniversary of the creation of this blog. You should make me a cake or something.

Why Choco Tacos are so fucking delicious

Never before in the history of my entire life has one treat held my attention for so long. I've been obsessed with these tasty ice cream delights since I was a wee tot. If you have never experienced the joy of a chocolate-covered, ice cream-filled taco, let me paint you a picture:
The taco shell is made of a waffle cone with just a hint of chocolatey flavoring. It's mostly for show, but when later eating the crumbs off of your belly and chest, you'll realize that yes, it is chocolate-flavored.
The inside is filled with vanilla ice cream, with four or five vertical fudge stripes running through it. These rivers of fudge are usually pretty frozen when you eat it, but generally get goopy about halfway through.
And finally, the top of the taco is covered with hardened, Hershey-bar grade chocolate with peanuts mixed in. Is your mouth watering yet? IT SHOULD BE.
So anyways, like I was saying, these unhealthy, Mexican food-masquerading ice cream bars have been my favorite since before I hit puberty. They were my go-to treat whenever I'd see an ice cream truck, and what I would always ask for when going by a freezer at a convenience store.
But lately, they have been getting harder and harder to find. I'm not sure why this is, but it's true. You can now only find them at select Taco Bell restaurants, in the freezer at Blockbuster (if you are lucky), and every once in a blue moon when an ice cream truck passes by your house. Other than that, you are out of luck.
But I suppose this is good and bad. Sure, I can't have a Choco Taco any time I'd like to. But it makes it a million times more special when I finally do get one for the first time in ages.

Why I didn't update yesterday

I was too busy eating a puppy butt-first to update yesterday. Sorry.

Friday, July 25, 2008

How Blink-182 changed my life

If you were born in the decade between 1983 and 1993, you have likely been influenced by Blink-182. Composed of three dudes from California, pre-teens and teens around the nation were obsessed with the musical styling of Mark Hoppus, Tom DeLonge, and Travis Barker. I was among these teens. But since they broke up in 2005, I haven't really listened to them all that much. Sure, every now and then they'll come up in my iTunes shuffle, but I'm not usually paying much attention to it. But last night I realized how much this band has influenced my life so far, and that they are essentially the reason I am myself today. Here is a record of my former obsession with this band.

Becoming obsessed
I remember, way back in the day, seeing the cover for Enema of the State among my stepdad's many CD's. I had always wanted to listen to it because of the cover, and because it had the word "enema" in the title. I finally got my chance to listen to it around the year 2000, when I was ten years old. I didn't really like it all that much, I'll be honest. I was more into Queen and Nirvana, if anything.Then I started hanging out with a different group of friends around '02, and they were all obsessed fans. So naturally, I became one too. Take Off Your Pants and Jacket was released around this time, and it became my favorite CD. I'd put it in my Walkman and let the tracks repeat over and over again, until I had memorized everything in every song. I walked, talked, and breathed Blink. They were the love(s) of my life at this point, and I wasn't afraid to show it.

Blink-182 (self-titled) By the time the band's fifth and final album came out in 2003, I had hair like Tom, played air drums along with Travis, and talked shit like Mark. I was a walking amalgamation of the entire band, in one teenager. They were all I loved. After buying and listening to their self-titled album, I felt myself growing up, much like the band did. This album was so radically different from anything the band had previously released. It was no longer all about fart jokes and fucking dogs, it was about breakups, long relationships, and loving someone so much that it hurt. Blink-182 was by far the most influential album in my life at that time. It was this album, above anything else (even pubic hair!) that made me realize that I should grow up. And I did.

Music videos
From Feeling This to I Miss You to Down to Always, their videos released during this period were just as influential on my maturity level as well. Like I said, it was no longer about being juvenile and vulgar, it was now about maturing and growing up. Whether it was the anti-authority tone and sexual freedom in Feeling This, or the "competing for a girl" motif of Always, we now had visual proof (to go along with the auditory) that Blink had grown up. But we didn't know that this was the beginning of the end for them. You can almost sense some tension between them in the video for Down, but otherwise we weren't really aware. No way could a band that had been through so much break up, right?

Seeing Blink live On May 3, 2004, my life was forever changed when I got the opportunity to see this band live. Sure, I was far back. Sure, I went with an annoying douchebag and his mother. But it was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. Taking Back Sunday was the first opening band, way back before they were huge. I remember being fascinated by Adam's mic tricks. Then Cypress Hill played, and the air was filled with weed smoke and sweat. After that, Blink came on. I'll never forget that they opened with Feeling This, with the "Get ready for action!" quote playing as they walked onstage. The rest of the night is pretty much a blur. I had fun, though. Oh, and I met TBS.

Remembering Blink
They were the first band I ever loved, and are definitely the reason I listen to most of the music I do today. They may be broken up and in different bands, but I still remember every lyric, every band member, and every album. They will always hold a large music note-shaped place in my heart.
Watch the video for Not Now, and remember the good times.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

State of the blog: July 24, 2008

First off, I'd like to extend my thanks to Travis for making me a header. It is literally exactly what I pictured in my head. Beautiful, isn't it? He's been added to the "Friends of the blog" section on the right.

Like I said in my last State of the blog, I have a zillion ideas swimming around. But I want to know what you want me to write about. Send me an e-mail, leave a comment on this post, or contact me on Myspace to let me know.

I'm pretty sure I'll have an interview by this Saturday for the Saturday Morning Interview section. Fingers crossed, eh?

I'm thinking part 2 of the "Animals and insects named after celebrities" post is going to be other things named after people, like stars, hospitals, and cities. We'll see.

Danny is definitely on board for being a writer and co-writer for this blog. I hate to say it, but that comes as a huge relief for me. I spend a lot of time writing about things on here, making sure everyone has at least one post to read a day, so it'll be nice to have some of that lifted once he comes 'round.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

People I'd like to punch in the face: Joker kid on YouTube

Every once in a while, a video comes along that makes me want to shoot the creators of YouTube. This is a fine example of that:

Why did this need to be made? I almost threw up. What he does looks like a terrible impression of a terrible impression. There isn't a FAIL stamp in existence that could cover this pile of shit.

Thanks to Matt for posting it and making me want to hunt this kid down.

Why I hate America sometimes: reason #128

Pam and Bubba Mathis were married earlier this month. Both live in Georgia and make a modest living working at the local Waffle House. Strangely, they chose their workplace as a place to hold their wedding.

Here we see Bubba putting on his tie, preparing for his "big day." Note the Atlanta Braves hat. Stylish and hip! What a cracker.

Here we see the blushing bride being walked down the...parking lot. You can tell the wedding guests spent a long time picking out their clothes.

Hate to say it, but this only happens in the deep south. They are the most unironically named people in the history of the Waffle House. Bubba and Pam? They were probably given a lifetime contract and a shotgun at birth.

Click here for the original article. Be sure to watch the slideshow of their wedding photos too.

Animals named after celebrities (part 1)

In the last few decades, it has become commonplace for celebrities to provide the namesake for animals' and insects' scientific names. Whether the scientist that names it is just a fan, or the animal/insect has a characteristic in common with the celebrity, they are always interesting. Here are a few that I thought were worth mentioning.

Calponia harrisonfordi (1993)
Named after: Harrison Ford (actor)
Species: Spider
Why?: As a way of saying thank you for narrating a documentary for the London Museum of Natural History. These spiders appear in the United States.
Other animals/insects: Ford also has an ant species named after him, called Pheidole harrisonfordi.

Avahi cleesei (2005)
Named after: John Cleese (actor and comedian, co-founder of the Monty Python comedy troupe)
Species: Bemaraha Woolly Lemur
Why?: Cleese loves lemurs, simple as that. He's done several documentaries on the subject of lemur conservation. Ironically, this species is likely going to be extinct in the next few decades. They are native to Madagascar.

Pachygnatha zappa (1994)
Named after: Frank Zappa (musician)
Species: Spider
Other animals/insects: Zappa also has a jellyfish named after him (Phialella zappai), because he famously said "There is nothing I'd like better than having a jellyfish named after me." A jellyfish expert named it in 1982 in hopes of meeting Zappa. He did. The story behind this is located here. Other animals that carry his name are Amaurotoma zappa (fossilized snail), and the entire Zappa genus of goby fish that are native only to New Guinea.

Strigiphilus garylarsoni (1989)
Named after: Gary Larson (cartoonist, creator of The Far Side)
Species: Lice (this kind is only found on owls)
Why?: The biologist that named it after Larson said that it was his way of thanking Larson for "the enormous contribution that my colleagues and I feel you have made to biology through your cartoons." Larson reprinted the letter and a picture of the bug in his book "The Prehistory of the Far Side."
Other animals/insects: Larson also has a butterfly named after him (Serratoterga larsoni).

Aptostichus stephencolberti (2008)
Named after: Stephen Colbert (comedian, host of The Colbert Report)
Species: Trapdoor spider
Why?: Colbert publicly complained about Neil Young getting his own trapdoor spider (Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi), and even went so far as to scold the man that named it, Jason Bond, live on his show over the phone. Bond promised he'd name one after Colbert, and he followed through last week.

Expect a follow-up to this article soon, with five more notable animals.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Cinnamon toothpicks

I was browsing one of my favorite blogs when I came across this image:
Harmon Hot Cinnamon Fire-Pix. Man, did this bring back some memories. Fond ones. You see, these packages had five cinnamon-flavored flat toothpicks in them, with a kick that rivals Big Red. I used to chew on these all the time. I'd plow through four or five of these packages a day before accidentally ingesting a shard of one and having a splinter stuck in my esophagus. Fantastic. I miss them.

As far as finding them for sale online though, Tase-T-Picks had some, but they are sold out. Damn you, Tase-T-Picks!
And get this, they were sued in the 80's.

Why I can't take Disturbed seriously

In the history of music, few bands have sucked more than Disturbed. If you are a fan, don't take this personally, but they are fucking terrible. But then again, if you are a Disturbed fan, let's face it, you probably don't know how to read.
But I'm not here to talk about their music. I'm here to talk about their image. You see, Disturbed has a mascot, creatively named "the Guy." You can see him up there, smiling menacingly. Looks cool, right? Wrong. If you said yes, you are a twat. He's a terrible mascot, even though motherfucking Todd McFarlane drew him. But as far as their "image" goes, that is only the tip of the iceberg.
Take this picture, for instance. Not one member of this band doesn't look like a stereotypical "hard rockin' douchebag badass" type that will drunkenly fuck your whore of a girlfriend in your apartment then puke J├Ągermeister all over your carpet. Wallet chains? Stonewashed, pre-ripped jeans? Button-up sleeveless shirts? I thought all of those things died with grunge, back in '96. I guess I was wrong. These guys are clearly ahead of the fashion curve.
And on lead singer Dave Draiman:

What the fuck are those? I'm all one for facial piercings, but not ones that make it look like I have the outline of a metal goatee. It's like those are the rebars set out by his facial gremlins, so they know where to grow hair. I really wonder how inconvenient those are. I can imagine if he leaned down to kiss a baby or something, those would probably poke it in the eye.
And finally, a music video.

Ohh yes. I'm not even going to talk about that laugh at the opening. But seriously, looking at the camera demonically has never looked so stupid. He looks and sounds like a terrible actor playing Satan in the Passion of the Christ musical that will probably be made eventually.

So I ask you: does this band intimidate you? Does this band scare you? Or does it make you laugh so hard you poop your pants a little every time you see them?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Why Garfield Sucks

People's fascination with Garfield is one of the things in this world that I will never, ever understand. It is by far the most unfunny comic strip of all time. Sure, as a child I enjoyed me some Garfield (keep in mind I also thought Star Wars was a documentary), but that was before I realized that nearly every strip is the same. Garfield is either eating, or dieting, or kicking Odie, or complaining about Mondays, or torturing Jon, or getting old, or eating, or dieting, or kicking Odie, or complaining about Mondays, or torturing Jon, or getting old. It is the SAME THING day after day. This comic is syndicated in over 2,500 newspapers worldwide (holding the world record, mind you), yet it uses and reuses the same material. It would be one thing if the comics were readable. But no, they aren't. It's just another piece of trash in the ever-expanding garbage dump that is American pop culture.
Jim Davis, the human that birthed this behemoth, has said in several interviews that he originally created Garfield as a marketing device. I guess it worked. He has had two terrible cinematical movies (where he was voiced by Bill Murray), three direct-to-DVD CGI movies, and countless forms of merchandise based on his spawn. Funnily enough, Davis doesn't even write or draw the strip anymore, for "aging reasons." He has a crew of interns do it for him. He just signs and dates them. He isn't interested in art, humor, or getting a message out there. He's only interested in money, marketing, and making sure every single car window in America has a suction cup-footed Garfield hanging from it. I mean, look at that smug bastard. He knows we're on to him, yet he doesn't care. He knows that there will always be a rash of Midwestern housewives and grandmothers buying up coffee mugs and nighties adorned with a pissy Garfield complaining about Monday mornings, because they think that sort of thing is actually legitimately funny.
The town where Davis was born (Fairmount, IL) even has several Garfield statues dotting the landscape in the area. Yes, you read that right. Forget statues of people that have actually advanced our culture in the last 200 years. They want a few statues of a cartoon cat! Isn't that wacky? I can imagine the tourism board for this poor county where Davis was belched from hell wanting to capitalize on this cat even more than Davis has.
I was able to find an instance in which Jim's cronies used the exact same punchline for a joke 6 days in a row:
This just goes to show you how no matter how hard you try, you will never be as good as a cartoon cat. He just breaks too many comedy boundaries.

Note: I'm writing this on a Monday just to piss Garfield off, the whiny bastard.

Garfield-related humor can be found below:
Garfield Minus Garfield is a site where a dude Photoshops Garfield out of strips, making Jon look crazier than he already looks. Jim Davis likes it. So do I. At least we have that in common.
Click here for Maddox's rant on Garfield. It's better than anything I could have ever written.
Click here to read X-Entertainment's article on Garfield merch.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

My mom's 40th birthday is today.

One year closer to that senior discount! Hooray!
But seriously, if you read this, happy birthday mom.


I think Michael Jackson secretly owns a time machine, went back to ancient Egyptian times, and was "rightfully worshipped."

Meeting Miranda Cosgrove

Many of you may know the girl above from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh, where she plays the brothers' bitch of a sister. The rest of you probably recognize her from her other Nick show, called iCarly, in which she plays the titular character. She has a web show that she runs with her two friends, and it is wildly successful (the in show-show and the show itself).
Anyways, Miranda made an appearance at my local Best Buy yesterday, and I was kind enough to go and log my experiences. It was a day of tweens, annoying employees, and godawful music. It was my journey to meet Miranda. I went with my friend Nicole, so she'll be mentioned from time to time.

2:03 PM:
I leave my house, and the Drake and Josh movie happens to be on. Is this an omen for the future? I think so.

2:25 PM: We arrive at Best Buy. It is a fucking madhouse:

Oh yes. And this was just the outside line, two hours before she was set to arrive. The line was snaked all around the inside of the store. I'd estimate it was somewhere between three and four times as long as what you see here. Shitloads of kids, oh yes.

2:34 PM: We go inside. They have what look like hundreds of the iCarly soundtrack CD's inside (which is what she is promoting). Piles and piles, to say the least. Nicole and I get one and stand in line. Then we are told by the cashier that they just ran out of the wristbands for a priority spot in line. They had 500, and we were literally #501. Figures, right? So we put the CD down and leave Best Buy. We decide to come back later, when it isn't as crowded.

2:45 PM:
We decide to see a movie while we are waiting. The only movie I haven't seen (besides the terrible-looking "Meet Dave") is "Get Smart." We are scheduled to see it at 3:30.

2:54 PM: I have to sit outside the theater while the people clean it up. The "Madagascar 2" standee childishly smiles at me.

That fucking lion was mocking me. Asshole.

3:03 PM: I hate movie theater music. HATE it. Jason Mraz can suck a dick.

3:35 PM: Right as the previews start, a fatass family comes in and sits right next to Nicole and I. There are maybe three other groups of people in the theater. Really, people? Was it really fucking necessary to do that? Asswipes.

5:37 PM: The movie lets out, and I'm in a better mood.

5:42 PM: My mood is changed when I see that the line actually grew since we left. Of course, the people moved, but even more people replaced them. It's like America's population!

5:47 PM: There are some weeeeird people in front of us. There is a dad and daughter, she's short and potbellied, he's tall and lanky. She keeps scratching his back, for some reason. Like I said, weird.

5:49 PM: It's sad when you are so bored that you watch a mentally challenged boy named Noah throw rocks at other rocks. His mom has a used band-aid stuck to the bottom of her purse. I want to tell her, but my bitterness towards the situation won't let me.

6:00 PM: A teenage worker from the tween store "Sweet and Sassy" is walking through the line, spraying glitter in girl's hair. Potbelly in front of me wants some, and the residual spray covers me in hooker dust. I hate my life.

6:04 PM: I decide to go inside to see what it is like, and end up seeing Miranda. She's at the front of the store, and zillions of moms are taking pictures. Girls are screaming, and security guards are telling folks to "move it along." I snapped this while walking:

She's wearing a Blondie shirt. I always wonder if people like that are actually fans, or if they wear it because it's retro. I wish I could ask. Maybe I will.

6:10 PM: I'm told by an associate that this appearance was advertised on TV. I really wonder if that was true. I can't seem to find anything about it.

6:16 PM: An overweight, unibrowed girl walks out of Best Buy, and starts talking to one of the girls in front of us. She tells her she woke up at 6:45 this morning to get ready. What a lying sack of shit. No way would you need that much preparation for meeting motherfucking Miranda Cosgrove. She isn't Elvis.

6:19 PM: A man with a very pronounced lisp named Sean is handing out little pink Best Buy stickers for everyone to stick on their cameras to show they aren't stolen. He's a nice man, that Sean.

6:29 PM: As we walk inside, the theme song from the show starts blasting through the speakers. Tweens everywhere are screaming along. Why did I come here?

6:31 PM: Potbelly keeps leaving and returning to her spot next to her father, whining about not being able to get a picture. Her dad convinces her to leave and go eat dinner. A pair of 13-year-old twins behind us flirt with me incessantly. They look a lot like Miranda. Maybe I'm just delusional.

6:36 PM: The music turns off. There is a God.

6:37 PM: The music turns on again, playing the theme song, again. God is cruel.

6:40 PM: There is a Best Buy associate here that looks like a child molester. I'll bet he's in heaven. Wait, no. He's in hell, because he can't do shit. HA!

6:42 PM: They cut the line off about 40 people behind us. No more shall see the Cosgrove on this day.

6:44 PM: The line cuts through the refrigerator section of the store, and we see a coloring book page from hell:

You can't tell me that that Cabbage Patch Kid does not look like it is from the deepest, darkest corners of Satan's mind. It looks like if you saw it in real life, it would sprout 12-foot bat wings, screech, and attempt to kill you via Cabbage Patch Claws. I'm scared.

6:45 PM: A tiny dinosaur cut out of construction paper warms my heart:
He's thinking "AAAAH!" which leads me to believe he thinks the same thing about the hellish Cabbage Patch Demon on his neighboring refrigerator. He understands me. I named him Bernie, and bid him farewell with a tear in my eye.

6:47 PM: Someone must have put the theme song for iCarly on repeat. It actually isn't that bad, once you memorize every facet of every lyric.

6:48 PM: I take that back. This is the worst song ever. Wait, no. This is the ten worst songs ever.

7:02 PM: Nicole takes some tasty Koala's March crackers out of her backpack, and we eat. With a heavy hand, I accidentally break off one's ear:
He will be remembered as the first casualty of this war. Rest in peace, tiny koala-that-is-eating-a-donut. You were awfully tasty.

7:31 PM: I can't help but post an admitedly snarky bulletin on Myspace as we walk by the computers. I tell my friends that I'm about to meet Miranda, and their non-response tells me that they are ashamedly jealous.

7: 46 PM: We walk by the entertainment center display that Best Buy has. I'm not sure what movie is playing, but it has a lot of guns and explosions. It fits the situation perfectly.

7:48 PM: We walk by an iPod dock, and guess what is playing? The iCarly theme song. The Best Buy Gods still hate me.

7:52 PM: Word starts going around that Miranda is no longer posing for pictures, just signing the CD. Nicole goes and tries to buy a CD for her to sign, but they are all sold out. I sheepishly take out the flyer for the event, feeling moronic as I do so.

7:56 PM: And here it goes. Two hours of waiting in line to get a crinkled piece of paper signed, along with a quick "Hi, thanks for coming!" (sans eye contact) from Miranda Cosgrove herself. Totally worth it. She was all business. She wanted to get out of this middle-of-nowhere town, I could tell. Also, she's a lot taller than she looks.

7:59 PM: I bid farewell to Best Buy, remembering all of the good times that came to me from within. With achy feet and a heavy heart, I move on.
So in the end, I learned some things. I learned that not all tween starlets are bitches, Best Buy is the worst place to sign anything if you are famous, and that some really fucking weird people like iCarly (myself included).

Thanks to Nicole for the pictures.

My review of The Dark Knight after seeing it for the second time.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Guess what I'm doing today?

(click to enlarge)

Shit yes. Expect a write-up of my experience (with pictures) tomorrow. You should be excited. I know I am.

Top 5 Bands You Need to Know About: Part 6 of 5: the sampler album download

Yes, it's finally here. Here is the sampler album I've been promising all of you since this whole thing started. Tracks are as follows:

1. XO - Race Car
2. Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship - Restart My Heart
3. Dr. Manhattan - Big Chomper, Big Chomper
4. Poem - Angels and Adjectives
5. Peachcake - Stop Acting Like You Know More About the Internet Cafe Than Me

Click here to download the entire sampler. Note: you must be able to unzip the file, either with WINRAR or WINZIP. Google it if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm so glad I'm done with this. Oh, the album art is by Kate, just so you all know.

Friday, July 18, 2008

My review of The Dark Knight.

Top 5 Bands You Need to Know About: part 5 of 5: interview with Stefan Pruett of Peachcake

Part 5 of 5: Peachcake

Peachcake is a rarity among indie rock bands. The people that consider themselves fans of Peachcake's music are motherfucking fans of Peachcake's music. I can't say I've ever seen such an interesting, cult-like following being this invested in a band this size.
But to be honest, it doesn't suprise me. I'm definitely a member of the Peachcake cult, and you should be too. They have a super-hyped album called "What Year Will You Have the World?" coming out in October, and it is one of my most anticipated of the year.
I chatted with Stefan Pruett, and he basically rambled on awesomely.

Explain Peachcake in a rhyming phrase.

What is Peachcake's objective as a band?
A layered question, might I add. Really, I think it comes down to the avid promotion and propagation of awareness among all individuals and the greater collective consciousness. We just want people to know and believe they are empowered to be who they are, and change accodingly, and not fear these imperative elements of personal, visceral, and overall development and evolution...on both an individualistic, or microcosmic and macrocosmic level.
There's too much emphasis placed on the degredation, devaluing, and belittling of people and we use those as a means to rationalize the so-called need or desire for things to better us and improve us. But really, when you consider thiis disearnest implore, it's pretty ridiculous and just utter, bullshit. I think.

Why is the band named Peachcake, of all things?
Well, a long time ago we were chillin' with a group of our pals at this crazy 'lil join called, "The Max," Yeah...maybe you've heard of it? And then Ms. Spano, a great friend and supporter of the band walked up to my main man, AC Slater and was all up in his grill givin' him some lip. Then this meteor crashed, and these crazy punk-ass space-explorers captured our persecuted earth asses and brought us all to this sanctuary, also termed, "The Planet Awesome." It was like the sauna of golden proportion or the Islamic corner of the Heavens where 72 virgins await your was pure magic. And shit went down. We got a true lesson in altruism that day. I'll never forget that.
Oh yeah, and then some striking young lad with the mose voluminous, and adept blonde-haired comb-over I've ever seen said, would you like to taste the Peachcake? And I was like....what is this? Some rank ass sexual innuendo...and he insisted I indulge, so I did, and then we turned into rockstars. Or Rocks, Stars. Maybe rock, paper, scissors. Something like that...or maybe I'm making all this up...nah...I couldn't be...could I be?

How do you get ideas for songs, song titles, and lyrics?
See aforementioned details. Or the little men inside of our heads whispering sweet nothings into our ears. In America, you have a tendency to refer to them as, "Imaginations," on the Planet Awesome, they are called, Realisms, or Kate Chopin's...or for the male incantation, Mark Twain's. Who are your biggest musical inspirations?Our lord and savior, Wisconsin Deli Cheese. Del E. Webb facilities (poppin' up all over this place, unexpectedly and undesirably since who knows when), Accessing iTunes Stores, random, unnecessary thing that are far too accessible, people and things that constantly create ti innovate or innovate create, those and that of which is pushing the envelop without an opener, hot pants, cold pants, no pants, dance. Interprative-style.

What is the oddest thing a fan has done during a show?
Ummmmm...lots of times hoards of people from the crowd have just taken matters into their own hands and decidedly jumped onto the stage, causing a wave or chain reaction in the crowd and the result being around 80-100+ people dancing about on stage with us. Also, many time people have just grabbed me for a photo op mid-song while we were playing. I usually just laugh and fulfill the request. It's all about a joyous occasion!

What is your absolute favorite song to perform live?
Hmmmm, one we never really's called, Keep the World Safe, Tony Saprano...and it's coming to a show near you. It's on the album, and it's the jam. The gem. Gem. She's awesome, and reeeeeally sexy. I'm into it.

What do you do when not Peachcakin'?
I don't know if you want to know the answer to that question...;) Teeeheeeeheeeee! Well. I really enjoy just making music, so we're constantly jamming around with random peeps who are a part of the Peachcake collective. :) I also really enjoy the presence of women, so I tend to hang out with those of that type as often as possible. But not so much that it clouds my natural inclination to be repsonsible and fulfill my duties to the improvement of the human race.

And since I'm talking to YOU:
Where the hell do you get all of your clothing?
Random gifts, often acquired through friends, family, or listeners of the sort. I don't normally go shopping for anything or buy clothes frequently. I mean, I have more so lately, but I try to stay away from consumption unless it pertains to what I do (our show) or is of some necessity. :)

Download Peachcake's song "Stop Acting Like You Know More About The Internet Cafe Than Me" right here. Peachcake will be touring starting today. Check their Myspace for dates.