Monday, June 30, 2008

Mountain Dew: Baja Blast

If you know me well, you probably know that I drink a lot of original Coca-Cola. I mean, we are talking anywhere from 3-8 cans a day here. It's gross, and it has likely turned my blood into high-fructose corn syrup. But there is a soda out there that rivals the palatability of this carmel-colored behemoth, in my personal opinion:
This "tropical lime Mountain Dew drink" is available exclusively via fountain beverage-spewer at Taco Bell locations nationwide, and it has been for quite a while now. This is an atrocity. Whomever decided to make this exclusive to such a sub-par, fast food, "Mexican" chain is out of their fucking mind. If this was sold in can or 20 oz bottle form, my fridge would be glowing that flourescent green that lets you know you should not be drinking something that is so unnatural-looking. Sure, it kills you, drinking something like this. But it kills you slowly, and in the best way possible. It's like someone coming up from behind you and slitting your throat during sex: do you stop what you are doing, just because you realize that you are dying, or do you keep doing something that is so fantastic that it makes your insides feel like a reborn Phoenix? I'd choose the latter, every single time.
There must be some sort of law prohibiting this from being canned or bottled. Taco Bell must own the rights to the drink permanently or something. There are about a zillion online petitions, begging and pleading for Mountain Dew to solve this conundrum. This, of course, is completely pointless, but it's good to know I'm not alone in my epic battle for public tropical lime drink availability. I guess I'm just going to have to be content with waiting 15 minutes in a drive-thru just to get a large, neon-green soda.

Bizarro by Dan Piraro

Dan Piraro has been illustrating newspaper comics for quite a while now (since 1985, according to Wikipedia), and he has been one of my favorites since before I could understand the society-jabbing humor of the strips (I just enjoyed looking for his symbols). In fact, he lived in the area around Dallas, Texas, about 45 minutes away from where I used to live (Frisco, Texas). I have a vivid memory of him either writing for or being profiled in one of those free local magazines you'd pick up at small coffee shops. I can't remember what it was about though. I guess it wasn't all that vivid. Hmm. I really want to find out what the hell I'm talking about.
He draws single-panel comics, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, are a shit-ton harder to draw than regular comics. Not to go on a rant or anything, but it is harder to convey comedy (especially good comedy) in one drawing rather than the standard three to four, like most do.
Anyways, like the name of the comic implies, it is essentially off-beat humor that makes fun of modern society. That's the second time I've used "society" in a description of this comic, and it bugs me a little bit. Oh well.
Here are two examples of his strips:

Piraro's blog can be seen here:
He updates regularly with his strips and stories from his daily life. He's a vegan (and apparently became one in 2002-thanks again, Wiki), so all of you KFC-lovers out there, fuck off.
Oh, and Dan, if you happen to read this, thanks for doing what you do. I hope you don't mind me stealing those two comics, and your maniacal blog-posting method. Let me know, y'hear?


Porn is becoming increasingly prevalent in our society. You can essentially type ANYTHING into a search engine, and eventually porn will pop up (especially in image search-try it!).
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "pornography" as this:

Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.
But it goes further than that. The word "porn" now encompasses many things, whether it be the old-style pictures and writing described above, or something different and new, like internet videos.

Section 1: The Evolution of Porn
Porn is old. Older than you know. I'm not entirely sure how old it is, but versions of the infamous Kama Sutra date back to 200 A.D. It's pretty fucking old, basically.
But I want to talk about porn in the last half-century. We live in a day and age where seeing five men have sex with one girl is not only acceptable, but almost the norm.
It's interesting to think that 60 years ago, the image above was considered "too racy." This image is of iconic pin-up model Bettie Page, who was often pictured topless, in underwear, or in "fetish" photos (usually semi-nude S&M, whips, bondage, and leather kinda thing, but NEVER actual sex acts). Interestingly enough, Page was asked to appear before the United States Congress in 1957 to "explain the S&M pictures she was in." They were considered to be disgusting and too easy to obtain (you got them by mail order from magazines such as Playboy). Most of the original negatives of the pictures involved were ordered to be destroyed by this court ruling. Some survived, but were banned from being published or even written about for many years after.
But basically, what I'm trying to get at is what is normal in porn has completely changed in the last 60 years. With the explosion of porn videos in the mid-seventies, it has become more socially acceptable to watch, talk about, or even partake in pornography. Nowadays we have websites for everything: busty latina women, horny cumming shemales, gay and lesbian orgies, tentacle-fucking hentai, scat porn; the list goes on and on. And to think, one generation ago, people were ridiculously offended by a few semi-nude portraits of so-called fetishes. They weren't even performing actual sex acts, for christsakes! Not to mention the fact that the process of getting the pictures back then was considered "too easy." It consisted of sending in a request with some proof of age (2-4 weeks in the mail), getting your order processed (6-8 weeks), and then getting the pictures (another 6-8 weeks). This is the complete polar fucking opposite of today. Like I said earlier in this post, you can type nearly ANYTHING into a search engine and have a porn ad or picture pop up. Not to mention the fact that anyone over 18 can go out and buy all the videos, toys, clothing, and other such "adult" things they want. And again, this is ONE GENERATION AGO. It's crazy. We've evolved into monsters, to be quite honest. Sex isn't just about fucking anymore. Nope. We want the weird, the gross, the crazy, and the completely fucked up. We want people to be freaked the fuck out when they discover what kinds of fetishes we have. Why jerk it to a man and a woman having regular sex when you can watch a shemale fuck a woman in the ass while shoving a glass dildo in her mouth? It's basically custom porn, and it is ruining sex for everyone.

Section 2: Weird Porn
People are into some pretty weird shit sexually. Yes, I researched all of them, whether it be Googling it, watching it, or reading about people that like it. Here are all of the categories and types, followed by a short explaination and an assessment on the "Weird-O-Meter." The ratings go as follows:

* - Not that weird, most people wouldn't freak out.
** - People will probably look at you funny when they find out.
*** - If I found you with this, I'd keep my distance.
**** - You are a sick freak.
***** - Your friends, house, car, job, and social being are all at stake if anyone finds out about this.

Category: “Normal” porn

Busty women
These videos involve women with ridiculously large breasts fucking men or other women with ridiculously large breasts. This type of porn is really common, as a lot of men like big jugs. Some types of busty porn are specific though, usually having to do with the girls’ nipple size. They can range from tiny nipples to ones that engulf the entire breast.
Weird-O-Meter rating: *

Now, when I say MASSIVE dick, I mean massive. We are talking about 16-inch dicks here. The average size of the male penis is 5.08 inches. The average depth of a woman’s vagina is 7 inches. They are very clearly fake, but still. When the dudes stick it in, they can barely get past the head of the penis. When they cum (on the woman’s face, naturally), they literally spew GALLONS of the stuff all over her.
Weird-O-Meter rating: ***

These generally involve a bunch of guys fucking one girl, but can be the opposite (if you are lucky). The guys will literally stick it in any hole (vagina, ass, mouth, ear, nose), have the girl jerk them off, or even masturbate with her hair. Sometimes the men just sit in the background and pleasure themselves.
Weird-O-Meter rating: **

Old people
This is pretty straightforward. It’s just old people having sex. It can be extended to old people having sex with younger people, but the idea is the same: these people are old and wrinkly. This has apparently become all the rage in Japan (go figure).
Weird-O-Meter rating: ***

“Story” porn (AKA late-night TV porn)
These are really, really, really common. This is like when you see porn on Cinemax. Scenario: Woman calls plumber, he arrives at her house in just overalls (no shirt underneath), she says something to him about “fixing” her “plumbing” with his “tool.” They get it on. End.
Weird-O-Meter rating: *

Now, when I say this, I don’t mean a gay male watching gay male porn. I mean a straight guy watching lesbian porn, or a straight woman watching gay porn. Most lesbian porn involves dildoes, and most gay porn involves blowjobs. ‘Nuff said.
Weird-O-Meter rating: *

This is any kind of porn that involves men or women of certain races. Black, Asian, Indian, you name it. Some of them even get into the specifics, like country of origin (like Iran and stuff).
Weird-O-Meter rating: *

Once again, pretty straightforward. This has become increasingly acceptable in society. I’m assuming (and being completely honest) that since people are more open to homosexuality, they are more open to their practices.
Weird-O-Meter rating: *

Double penetration
This is when two men have sex with a woman at the same time. One dick in her vagina, one in her asshole. The end result usually ends up looking like a woman sandwich. Sometimes the dudes’ penises touch, which most men find inadmissible (unless you are gay, of course).
Weird-O-Meter rating: **

Category: Animated porn

This is, essentially, anime porn. There are many different types, just like regular porn. One of the most popular on the internet is one video of a woman being fucked by a giant, tentacled beast. I assure you, it’s a lot weirder than it sounds. The women usually have giant tits, and the men are usually really feminine-looking. The actions are usually incredibly...animated (in the sense that they are filled with exaggerated movements). This type of porn has become extremely prevalent in the last few years with the explosion of Japanimation in the early to mid-nineties.
Weird-O-Meter rating: ***

Furry is a type of hentai that has half-human, half-“furry creatures” having sex. It is usually really cartoonish, and the proportions are usually completely off (giant furry boobs, giant furry cocks, etc). Like hentai, this has become increasingly popular over the last few years. Most "furries" (or "furfags") participate in "yiffing" (humping, making animal noises, no actual sex) while in fur suits (think mascot suits). Some of these people are delusional, and truly believe that they are half-fox, half-human.
Weird-O-Meter rating: ****

Loli is a type of hentai that involves girls under the age of 7 participating in sex acts, rather than “consenting animated adults.” Technically, it isn't illegal, because the young girls involved aren't real. Sometimes, these videos involve an older man (thirties-forties) raping these young girls. I’ve even stumbled across a few videos involving just children (girl on girl, boy on girl, boy on boy, etc.).
Weird-O-Meter rating: *****

Cartoon sex
What I’m referring to here is animated sex involving popular cartoon characters. If you ever wanted to see Marge Simpson and Bart Simpson (her son, for those of you that are uneducated on “The Simpsons”) bump uglies, this is your chance. I’ve seen a lot of different types of this, most of which involve Disney cartoons. One of my personal favorites involved the “Aladdin” characters Jasmine and Rajah (her pet tiger) fucking, as Aladdin and the Genie jerked off in the background.
Weird-O-Meter rating: ****

Category: Illegal

Everyone is aware of this one. This involves pictures or videos of young boys or girls (under 18 is illegal, but these are usually of children under 10) either naked or performing sexual acts.
Weird-O-Meter rating: *****

Snuff films
These films are an interesting one. They all involve people killing other people during or after sex. Most of them are fake, but about 35% are real. These are incredibly hard to find, anywhere (even the internet!).
Weird-O-Meter rating: *****

Most of these are fake, but there are a good number out there that are real. These are clearly, people raping each other. Roughly. Variations of them include (but are not limited to) bounding and gagging people, blindfolding, and screaming men and women.
Weird-O-Meter rating: ****

Sex with animals. Usually horses, donkeys, dogs, or monkeys. Horses’ and donkeys’ penises are MASSIVE though, so those types usually involve someone sucking and jerking off the dick, rather than fucking it. Dogs hump humans just like they would other dogs. Monkeys have regular, people-like sex.
Weird-O-Meter rating: *****

Category: Other

I need to clear something up before I write this description: transvestites are people that still have the sexual organs that they are born with, but dress, act, take hormones, and have surgery to look like the opposite sex. Transsexuals are people that have gone through fully with the sex change surgery. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, these are videos that involve transvestites having sex. Usually it is a guy (or someone that was born a guy) that looks exactly like a girl, tits and all, fucking a real girl. Sometimes it is different, but this is the "norm."
Weird-O-Meter rating: ****

Foot masturbation
These are videos in which a woman jerks a dude off with her feet. These are common with people with foot fetishes (like Quentin Tarantino!). I’ve also seen a video with two women; one was “toe-ing” the other’s vagina.
Weird-O-Meter rating: ***

Retarted people having sex with non-retarded people, essentially. I've seen retard-on-retard, but it isn't that common. I once saw a video with two retarded males fucking a normal woman. It was sad to watch, because it seemed like they had no idea what they were doing.
Weird-O-Meter rating: ****

Porn involving feces. Poop. Shit. Whatever you want to call it. The most common example of this would be the infamous viral video "2 girls, 1 cup." If you haven't heard of this, you aren't missing out. Since it pertains to the subject, I thought I'd post an excerpt from an interview with George Clooney in which he watches this video (from Esquire Magazine, interview by A.J. Jacobs):

At this point, I make a segue that seemed relevant at the time but in retrospect was probably a very bad idea.
"You know," I tell him, "I asked the guy who does the Esquire Website what I should show George Clooney, and he said, 'Show him 2 'Girls 1 Cup.' "
"What's that?"
"It's the most disturbing video in the history of videos."
"Show it to me."
"Really? I don't know."
"I can take it," Clooney says. "I'm a grown-up. We're all grown-ups." "
It's scarring. It'll scar you forever."
"Is it long?" he asks.
"No," I tell him, "but it's so disturbing. I saw it once and can never get it out of my mind. I can't watch it again."
"I want to see it."
Well, he asked. After a bit of searching, I find the link. I click it.
After several seconds:"It's not so bad," he says.
Three seconds later: "Oh."
Another two seconds: "Oh, my GOD! Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!"
Clooney puts his hand over his mouth like he's going to throw up. He bolts from his chair and walks out of the room. Clooney's longtime PR guy, Stan Rosenfield, wants to know what the fuss is about. Clooney tells him he just watched the most repulsive video he's ever seen. Rosenfield wants to see it.
"I want to go at least one second more than George."
"I've got to watch Stan watch it," Clooney says, recomposing himself.
"It's like the rodeo -- see how long you can last."
Rosenfield lasts three full seconds before walking out.
Clooney, having regarded himself all morning, now just watches, doubled over with laughter.
Weird-O-Meter: ****

Ball fucking
Men stick their testicles into women's vaginas or assholes. I'm sure a gay version exists.
Weird-O-Meter: ****

Head fucking
Bald men completely oil their heads and stick them in women's giant vaginas. No idea how this works. Maybe you gauge it?
Weird-O-Meter: *****

Whips, chains, leather, bondage, that sort of thing. These can get legitimately violent, and blood can be shed, depending on the type.
Weird-O-Meter: ***