Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Top five worst Pokemon (out of the original 150)

Blah blah blah anecdote, my childhood, blah blah blah. I'm getting too old for this. On with the list!

5) WartortleIn order to explain how I feel about Wartortle, I would like to show the transcript of what I believe was the conversation between the people designing the Pokemon back in 1994:
Designer #1 (D1): Okay, we need the middle form of the Squirtle/Blastoise evolution chain.
Designer #2 (D2): Hmm, any ideas?
D1: Well, we could just give Squirtle a weird, wavecrest-like tail, make him look angry (for no apparent reason), color him a darker shade of blue, and put weird things on the side of his head that look like the wings on the sandals of the Greek god Mercury?
D2: ...that's...absolutely...BRILLIANT. What will we name such a creature?
D1: Well, we'd have to incorporate an allusion to "turtle" in there...he looks kinda angry...anger...despair...death...
WAR. Warturtle?
D2: No, we can't say "turtle." Mother Nature might sue us.
D1: War...tortise? No...
(Both look at each other frantically)
D1 & D2: WAR...TORTLE!!!
D2: I can smell the pussy train a' comin'!
D1: Damn straight! We gonna get all kinds of Japanese poon from ripping off Mother Nature like this!
D2: Hell yeah!
D1: Fuck yes!
Man, what a great fucking idea. The tagline for a Wartortle movie would read:
Wartortle: The Retard's Squirtle
What a d-bag. I'd shoot him in the face with a brick-launcher if I ever saw him.

4) Exeggcute
For some reason, before doing research for this list, I had forgotten Eggsecute existed. And now that I realize this, I wished I hadn't remembered.
What the fuck is this shit? Six egg-like creatures that communicate psychically? Seriously? That was the best they could come up with? Take more LSD, guys. Come on.
Since Exeggcute apparently made the list of 150 originals, and it absolutely sucks, I'd hate to see the list of the Pokemon that didn't make it. Like...like...Puzzlor!("Puzzlor" is copyrighted and trademarked by T. Walters Inc. and all of its subsidiaries. 2009)

3) JynxJynx is more of a cop-out than any Pokemon on this list. Hey racists! Let's make a cartoonish black woman that dresses like a weird, wizard-y prostitute, give her exaggerated lips and a blonde wig, and try to pass it off as a new creature! You know, one that you can pit against other creatures! One that will bend to your will and listen to you no matter what!
That's called slavery, kids.

2) Zubat

Again, a cop-out. An eyeless bat? Brilliance! But that's not why Zubat makes this list.
Zubat is on here because in every single game (newer generations included), he FUCKED YOUR SHIT UP in any cave. Every five fucking steps you took, there was a Zubat. Even worse, their high agility made them ALWAYS ATTACK FIRST, and every single fucking Zubat seemed to know three moves:

Poison Fang
(which poisioned you)

Confuse Ray (which confused you)

Leech Life (which drained your health)

Like I said, he FUCKED YOUR SHIT UP. Any way you left that battle, you were screwed. Even worse, if you didn't stock up on Paralyze and Poison Heals, your first space Pokemon ended up getting assraped by a herd of wild, blue and purple blind bats. Shit sucked. A lot.

1) Metapod
Metapod is a joke. This little turd cost me so many trainer battles when I was a kid. Let me explain:
In order to make him evolve, I'd have him at the front of my party, then my first move would be to switch him out for a more powerful Pokemon; giving both Pokemon equal experience (and allowing Metapod to do what he did best: nothing).
I'd only do this in wild Pokemon battles, since trainers in the beginning of the game (where Metapod/Caterpie was usually found) usually raped face when given a single-move advantage like when you do the swap-out.
But every so often, I'd forget he was at the front of my party, and he'd either be killed or cause another member of my party to be killed (or both). I hated it. I hated him.
And for those of you who say "WELL TY, THERE IS KAKUNA. THEY ARE BASICALLY THE SAME. DURR," you need to shut your whore mouth right this second. First of all, Kakuna at least look cool, unlike the green piece of shit that is Metapod:Second, Kakuna evolves into Beedrill, a GIANT, BIPEDAL BEE with DRILLS for HANDS:
What do you get after Metapod evolves? This little faggoty number:
That, my dear readers, is why Metapod BLOWS.

Shut up and wait another 40 days for me to publish something mildly interesting and/or funny. Bow down and beg, bitches.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The top five best Pokemon (out of the original 150)

When I was a kid, there were three things I cared about: Star Wars, Capri Suns, and Pokemon. And to be completely frank, there was somewhere I was going with this semi-anecdotal bit of information, but I can't seem to recall what it is at this moment in time. Ah well, it doesn't really matter anyways. Not like many of you care. On with the list.

5) Scyther
The teeth. The wings. The "hands." Scyther is one badass motherfucker. Look at that shit-eating grin/scowl on that mug up there. He knows he's awesome. He knows he could slice you apart with a flick of his...arm. And that's what makes him so goddamn cool.
Besides, how could a Pokemon with GIANT KNIVES FOR HANDS not at least be considered when making this list? Not to mention the fact that he's based off of a Praying Mantis (just with a dinosaur-like head), a bug who, after the females mate with the males, BITE THE HEAD off of the dude she just fucked. Oh, and they eat their children. It's more common than you know. It's actually amazing they haven't died out yet.
Anyways, it may be number five on this list, but assuming that it has anything in common with its real-life counterpart, it's number one on the "most brutal Pokemon ever." Definitely.
Oh, and according to Ash's Pokedex in episode 042, Scyther is "enraged by the color red." So he's easily angered by trivial things? Man, he's one bottle of Scotch away from being an American.

4) Eevee
There are three reasons Eevee is on this list (in order of importance):
I believe those are good enough reasons. Next!

3) Farfetch'dAny non-legendary Pokemon that can convince the better part of people in the Pokeverse that it doesn't exist is definitely incredible. And to be named after a word meaning "unbelievable?" Even better.
One of the Pokedex entries in a semi-recent episode of the show had this to say:
Farfetch'd, the Wild Duck Pokémon. Using the green onion that it holds like a sword, Farfetch'd can slice through a variety of objects.
Wait, what? A green onion? Cutting through things? Can...can Farfetch'd change the motherfucking PHYSICAL PROPERTIES of things? If not, would you care to explain how he can swipe through ANYTHING with his green onion baton? Have you ever tried cutting through a tree with a green onion? It isn't easy. Some would say it's impossible. But Farfetch'd can do it, and he does it well.
I challenge any reader of this blog to get a green onion (or a leek) and try cutting ANYTHING with it. It won't fucking happen. You are not a Farfetch'd.
Besides that, his name is the only one to contain an apostrophe. That's just neat.
Watch this video and laugh your ass off:

2) Dragonite
How many Pokemon would scare you if you met them in person? 20? 30? 50? How many Pokemon would you hug the shit out of if you met them in person? More? How many can you say would scare you, but in the cutest way possible?
One. Dragonite. This cute ass would crush you if you looked at it the wrong way, but still manages to be in the top ten most aesthetically pleasing Pokemon ever. And according to his Pokedex entry, he flies super fucking fast. Faster than anything. Awesome!
You just want to shrink him down and take him everywhere, don't you? Awwwww.

1) Meowth
You may be asking yourself why Meowth is my choice for the best Pokemon (out of the top 150). He's pretty average-looking. Not powerful. And to top it off, his evolved form is actually pretty cool.
So why is he number one? Because if you were anything like me as a kid, you became sick and fucking tired of "pika-this" and "char-that," and needed a motherfucking talking Pokemon to break up the monotony. Sure, he got sorta annoying. Sure, he was "the enemy." But at least he talked. I got fucking sick of Ash, Misty, and Brock all acting like they could understand what a barrage of "pikapikapikapika" (with hand signs!) meant. Sure, it looked cute for about four seconds, but then it just made me want to punt a Togepi. And that is why he will always be number one.

Expect the "top five worst Pokemon" post tomorrow evening. It'll probably be funnier.

Monday, June 1, 2009


Growing up, I read a lot. I knew how to hold a book right side up by the time I was three, and was reading chapter books by the time I was four. There was something about being thrown into a different world that I found fascinating, and it has stuck with me until this day.
My favorites were the series of books by R.L. Stine, the ever-infamous Goosebumps series. Sort of a "Stephen King Lite," they mixed humor with horror, and inspired me to write similar short stories when I was a kid (including one that involved a book on strange foliage from the library sprouting a killer plant when turned to a specific page, told from the point of view of the detective working the case). He was originally my inspiration to become a writer, I guess you could say. Of course, I didn't plan on releasing an ungodly amount of books upon the world so that hundreds of copies could litter the shelves at used bookstores for decades to come, but you know what I mean.
There were 67 of these books in the original series, and I managed to read around 45 of them between the ages of 8 and 13, and...what's that, reader? You feel something coming up? A feeling that feels so familiar, yet you can't quite put your finger on? I think I know what it is. Yep, it's:
I'll bet you thought I was going to make a lame joke about getting goosebumps while reading this post on Goosebumps, didn't you? No reader, I am far more sophisticated than that. So sophisticated that I spend about 45 seconds making that banner you see up there. Impressed? You should be.
Anyways, on with the list (which only includes books from the original 67 books, none from Series 2000 or any of the other spinoffs):

#5: The Barking Ghost (#32)

See that dog up there? The white, snarling one with the red eyes? That motherfucker gave me nightmares when I was young. My bed as a child was next to a window, and two of those snarling, ghost-hounds would crash through that window every night in the world inside my head. I'd wake up in cold sweats in the wee hours of the night because of it. I actually specifically remember an instance in which I had convinced myself so strongly that one of the dogs was in my room and under my bed, that I had started trembling. Mistaking my trembling for the bed's, I screamed and hollered until my grandpa came into the room and calmed me down. There was, of course, nothing under my bed, and I remained completely intact throughout the night (though I did become a stereotype for children everywhere).
The funny part is, the content of the book had nothing to do with it. The book itself was a sub-par in comparison to the rest of the Goosebumps back catalogue, but for some reason it effected me more than most. And despite being sub-par, it was actually really original.

#4: Egg Monsters From Mars (#42)

Egg Monsters From Mars was the perfect book for kids who have lied so many times that their parents never believe them anymore. The kid in the book, Dana, finds these weird green eggs that have monsters inside of them. They are nice to him, but eat some doctor dude by the end of the book. Of course, Dana's parent's don't believe him, because scrambled egg aliens are completely improbable.
As a child, I was a compulsive liar. I was the kind of kid that would make up absolutely insane stories and expect people to believe them, and would pretend to be offended when they didn't (my favorite involved a pet monkey my parents and I used to have named Bobo). So of course, when I would tell a true story, no one would believe me. They'd scoff, zip up their Old Navy windbreakers and make Pokemon out of clay. It made no sense to me then, but it clearly does now.

#3: How I learned to Fly (#52)
This book was one of the ten or so out of the whole series that wasn't necessarily "scary," but instead, just kinda weird. Some kid basically reads a book that teaches him how to fly, and another prick reads it and flies as well, blah blah blah preteen angst and jealousy. It's funny how these books are so easy to relate to as a kid, but for all the wrong reasons. Some twatbag kid down the street stole your glory? How I Learned to Fly is for you.
Just like The Barking Ghost, this one inspired some of my dreams as a kid as well. In one specific instance, I was at school, wearing a SUPER large shirt and nothing else (not even underwear!) and I started floating above all of my classmates, flashing them my pre-pubescent dick. They laughed, and I'm 99% sure I woke up sweating (and possibly crying).
Emotionally scarring stuff, Goosebumps.

#2: One Day at HorrorLand (#16)In what is probably the most ridiculous opening to any book ever, some kids' parents decide to take them to a theme park called HorrorLand. They park their car in the otherwise empty parking lot, and their car FUCKING EXPLODES as they walk away. They run to the ticket booth at the front of HorrorLand, and the FUCKING MONSTER in the ticket booth gives them FREE ADMISSION and claims that there ISN'T A PHONE THERE. They walk inside, where the parents GO LOOK FOR ONE, while LEAVING THEIR KIDS ALONE TO DO WHAT THEY PLEASE IN A PARK NAMED HORRORLAND.
If you didn't find anything wrong with the above paragraph, I've gone back and bolded the absolutely batshit insane parts of it for you. The rest of the book is dedicated to the three kids exploring the park like a bunch of morons that explore semi-deserted theme parks named HorrorLand. A bunch of crazy shit happens, and the kids are reunited with their parents. The family then finds out that they are on a FUCKING TELEVISION SHOW THAT BROADCASTS TO "OVER TWO MILLION" MONSTERS. Then, the dad COMPLAINS ABOUT THE ATTITUDES OF THE EMPLOYEES OF THE PARK AS IF THEY AREN'T MONSTERS ILLEGALLY FILMING THEM, and runs away with everyone behind him.
Oh, and at the end, they FORGET THAT THEIR CAR EXPLODED and STEAL A BUS.
So I've come to a conclusion about this family. Either they are absolutely, certifiably stupid, or R.L. Stine was really hurting for some plot twists. Probably both. Either way, I loved the shit out of it when I was a kid.

#1: Monster Blood II (#18)
While the first, third, and fourth books in the Monster Blood quadrilogy were good, nothing quite beat out the second one, in my opinion. As the first book says, monster blood is a goo that makes whatever eats it grow in size. In the first book, it was the protagonist Evan's dog, Trigger. In this book, it's a hamster in Evan's class. Some douche of a girl feeds the hamster monster blood in the first half of the book, and the other parts are all about Evan trying to keep it under control. Like I said above, the adults in the Goosebumps universe were always stupid, small-minded people that never believed a word any of the kids in the books said, so Evan keeping this giant hamster a secret from his teacher was no problem (until the end, that is). In fact, while the hamster was the size of a small dog, I specifically remember Evan's teacher claiming that it was "overfed." Yeah, moron, the hamster was overfed...WITH MONSTER BLOOD.
Anyways, when I was ten, reading a book in which a cute, cuddly hamster (creatively named "Cuddles") turns into a snarling, dog-sized beast absolutely blew my mind. Even better, when Cuddles continues to grow, Evan decides that it would be a great idea to eat some monster blood himself and fight with the ten foot tall rodent. And yeah, it happens. And the hamster wins, kinda.
I can still hear the synapses in my brain popping and fizzing. I'm pretty sure I sustained pretty serious brain damage after reading that as a kid.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Play him off, keyboard cat: The best thing to happen to YouTube...EVER

Over the last few months, a new craze has hit YouTube. It's a meme called "Play him off, keyboard cat," and is one of the funniest things I think I have ever seen. I'm not even going to try and explain this:
Do you like my "wacky" font used to illustrate the "wackiness" of these videos? I thought it fit nicely.

5) MythBusters!

Jamie just stands there and giggles as Adam makes an ass out of himself (as usual).

4)America's Got Talent!

What a fucking moron. On national TV and in front of David Hasselhoff, no less.

3) Indy car Vs. deer!

Ouch. I'm not one for animal cruelty, but that was funny as shit.

2) Soccer kid with rap music!

That kid's dad is a fucking creep.

1) Spider-Man at a Mexican birthday party!

I think I just shit my pants laughing.

And no, I don't consider this a "real post." Real content tomorrow, I promise.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Is this the age of superheroes?

Something is happening to the world. And no, I don't mean increasing national debt, the swine flu, or any sort of apocalyptic happenings that a street-corner preacher may be trying to shove down your throat.
No, readers. I mean the age of superheroes. It is coming upon us, whether we like it or not. As Charles Xavier would say, there are those that are different in our world. Those who do extraordinary things in the name of justice.
Take Cincinnati's own masked hero Shadowhare for instance:
Shadowhare is the 21 year-old leader of a group of nationwide masked good samaritans who call themselves the "Allegiance of Superheroes," with a roster that includes Aclyptico in Pennsylvania, Wall Creeper in Colorado and Master Legend in Florida. Shadowhare also teamed up with Mr. Extreme (from San Diego) to track down a rapist.
He uses legal weapons such as pepper spray and handcuffs, and is definitely on the right side of the law. He claims to have dislocated his shoulder while preventing a woman from being beat up by a man a few years ago.
And when not fighting crime? He's handing out food to the homeless, or patrolling the streets looking for ne'er do-wells. Sure, he gets some giggles from the police force and citizens, but if I were him, I'd sleep better at night knowing I had made the world a tiny bit better.
But as always with good, there is evil:
Joker wannabe Spencer Taylor was caught stealing memorabilia related to The Dark Knight from a movie theater in Michigan last July. Yes, he was caught and arrested by police at the scene.

All joking aside (no pun intended), I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that since neither has superpowers or high-tech gadgets, he can't be a superhero or villain, right? Well what if I told you that people with abilities could possibly exist? That homo superior may walk amongst us?
Russian girl Natasha Demkina is a good example. In 2004 and 2005, Natasha gained worldwide acclaim for being able to "see" through people's skin to diagnose an ailment. Nicknamed "the girl with the x-ray eyes," she globe-hopped from clinics in England and Japan as they tried to unveil the mystery behind her "ability." She was eventually assumed to be a fraud, after an English scientist compared her "readings" to that of a psychic's ("feeling" and asking questions to lead to correct answers).
Though Natasha may not be truly superpowered, there are many people that have been made famous by being able to do incredible things. Some include:

Kim Peek

"Abilities": Photographic memory, said to have memorized the content of over 12,000 books. Has severe developmental disabilites, yet can read and remember the content of an average book in one hour (on average).
Note: Peek was the basis for Dustin Hoffman's award-winning character of Raymond Babbitt in the 1988 film Rain Man. Go watch it sometime.

Daniel Tammet

"Abilities": A high-functioning autistic savant, Daniel has synesthesia, which allows him to see numbers as colors and shapes. Has recited Pi up to the 22,514th digit (the world record), and can do massive mathematical equations in his head. Is also gay.

Rüdiger Gamm

"Abilities": Can calculate extremely difficult mathematcal equations in seconds.

Stephen Wiltshire

"Abilities": Can draw an entire landscape after seeing it once. He is also autistic.

Jill Price

"Abilities": Can remember exact details of her life down to the date. For instance, if you ask her what happened on November 12, 1980, she would say that it was rainy, and proceed to give you details about that day. She is said to have an extremely severe case of OCD mixed with hyperthymestic syndrome.

With people like these, and the unnamed German boy who has double the muscle mass of children his age, or the average man who lifted three tons and held it for twenty minutes, it's sort of hard to deny that people who live extraordinary lives do exist.
For some fictional research on the subject of ordinary people trying to be extraordinary, I suggest you all watch the movie Special, and read the comic Kick-Ass (which is soon to be a movie).

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Marvel Comics: whores to advertising

First of all, I want to start this post off by saying this: I absolutely love Marvel Comics. Nearly every single one of my favorite heroes is under this brand, save for two that were created by DC (Batman and Shazam!).
But I have an issue with them. Aside from their usually terrible film adaptations of their properties (Daredevil, Elektra, Fantastic Four, Spider-Man 3, X-Men: The Last Stand, etc.), Marvel's marketing department will stop at nothing to assure that anyone with a radio, television, or internet connection knows about their upcoming releases.
Take their partnership with Papa John's pizza, for instance. I'm sure you know that the new Wolverine movie comes out on May 1st, right? Well, Marvel released a pizza to promote it. Yeah, a pizza:

But seriously, what? Why would you release this heart-attack waiting to happen upon the world? A full pound of cheese? I wouldn't be able to shit for a month after this fucking thing. But something primal in me wants it; something deep, deep within me knows that a fraction of the $12 (plus tip) I spend on this pizza will go towards making the next Marvel film that much better. And that's how they get you, right there.
Aside from that, the Papa John's pizza homepage has a few other interesting Wolverine-related things on it, including a "microsite" with backgrounds, AIM icons (for the three people that still use AIM), and other needless shit. But my favorite part is the three mini "profiles" you can scroll through; of the three major characters from the movie and their favorite pizzas:

I wonder how many wannabe comic book nerds emailed the Papa John's webmaster claiming that Wolverine's real name isn't James Howlett, but Logan. And I also wonder if the dude designing it knew anything about comic books at all. Ho hum.
But apparently Wolverine's favorite pizza is "the works." I don't know how to take that, because "the works" is usually a term used to describe a car wash (at least, in my world).
If I was the guy that answered the phone when some tool used the term "the works" to specify the toppings that they would like on their pizza, I would personally tug one out right into the center of the pie. "How do you like the way this works, motherfucker?!"

Wow, Sabretooth's favorite pizza is "the meats?" They got really creative with this, didn't they? I can tell they put tons of thought into this. I'll bet they thought "Oh hey, he has sharp teeth and claws. That must make him a carnivore!" Yeah, Papa John's executives, a carnivore. Meaning he'll eat a half-dead DEER CARCASS THAT HE SLAUGHTERED HIMSELF, FUR AND ALL, not your shitty pizza. But hey, if you really were willing to do anything to promote this movie, I guess you'd probably make a pizza with deer carcass on it. So I guess we were saved in that sense.

Why the fuck would Gambit like the "garden fresh" pizza? Last time I checked, he's from Louisiana (New Orleans, to be precise). He'd probably like shrimp and something with the word "cajun" or "gumbo" in it on his pizza, not some faggoty "garden fresh" bullshit. C'mon Papa John's! Stereotype Gambit like you stereotyped Sabertooth!
And did they have to choose a picture where Taylor Kitcsh looks like Sam Rockwell during the choking scene in Choke? Maybe it's the forehead veins.

But this isn't the only time Marvel Comics has done something ridiculous while promoting a movie of theirs. Oh no. There have been numerous times where I personally have slapped my own forehead in disdain for the sake of nerds everywhere. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present: 5) Spider-Man 3: Printed Pringles
This was one of those symbiotic relationships in the advertising world. Marvel wanted to promote Spider-Man 3, and Pringles wanted to promote their new line of chips with printed shit on them. Thing is, that's gross. And the questions were stupid as hell. The one in the above picture reads:

Q: Which villain does Eddie Brock become?
A: Venom, you fucking retarded piece of shit. I'm surprised you can read, seeing as you had such a hard time with such a difficult fucking trivia question like this.

I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.
Point is, the intelligence qualifications for answering these questions fall between the realms of "having a functioning brain stem" and "being able to breathe and blink at the same time." Throw us some hardballs, Pringles! Ask me what Electro's real name is (Maxwell Dillon)! Ask me which superhero is a clone of Peter Parker (Scarlet Spider/Ben Reilly)!
Is it too much to ask to get your marketing team to throw a few questions together after surfing Wikipedia for ten minutes?

4) Iron Man: Slurpee helmet Looking at the above photo, you'd think that 7-11 exclusive Iron Man head-shaped Slurpee cup is pretty neat, right? But looking at it in comparison to the other, not as cool exclusive cups around it, you'd probably wonder why the fuck it's so small. Yeah, a lot of people did that.
But a few weeks after these were released, the helmet/cups started selling on eBay for around $60 apiece (plus shipping). 7-11 stores couldn't keep this shit in stock, since the markup on them on the interwebs was somewhere around 1500% more than the "suggested retail price" of $3.99 (plus tax).
I dunno, the helmet/cup idea seems a little lame to me. Even worse, they had four "collectible straws" with shoddy Iron Man toys glued to them. These were the type of "quality toys" you'd find in an overpriced vending machine outside an ethnic supermarket that a total of four people shop at. You know, the one that never changes the selection of what could minimally pass as a child's plaything? The one that still has toys from The Lion King, despite the fact that it came out in 1994? Yeah, imagine one of those stuck to a fluorescent crazy straw sticking out of Iron Man's armored skull.
Come to think of it, that's sort of awesome. Hm.

3) Hulk: Green Hershey's Syrup Ah, the infamous "green" era. During the theatrical run of the shitty Hulk movie in 2003, everything was green. From Twinkies to credit cards, Marvel had its first captain of the ship that sails the seas of whoring their products out so people will see a terrible movie.
But perhaps the most famous of these products was the green Hershey's Syrup that seemed to stay on shelves for a little longer than it should have. I seemed to see quite a few remaining bottles of this gathering dust at my local Wal-Mart long after Hulk had left theaters; probably because people don't really like to be reminded of giant green pectoral muscles and ripped purple pants while enjoying chocolate milk.

2) Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: The "Search 4 $ilver" In a stunt so fucking dumb it could have only been concieved by the mad scientists at the Franklin Mint (creators of this ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE "SNEAKY DRAGON" SCULPTURE), the above pictured quarter was to be made 40,000 times over and distributed througout the world. The first 400 people to go to the website oh-so-casually painted next to the Silver Surfer were entered into a contest to win a trip to London for the world premiere of the downright terrible second movie in the Fantastic Four film series.
Yes, that's right. You had a 1/40,000 chance of winning this prize. After you pass the threshold of 1/30,000, is there really any point in having something as gimmicky as this? Maybe if the prize was better, I would think differently. But until they release quarters with Megan Fox on them that enters me into a contest where I could potentially fuck her, I'm not interested.

1) X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Charles Barkley
Okay, I admit it, I sort of misled you all into thinking that this top five list was going to have only previously released movies. Well, I only half-lied, since Wolverine has been seen by an estimated 2 million people already.
Anyways, take a look at this commercial that is currently playing during the NBA playoffs on TNT:

Yeah, that shit just happened. Charles fucking Barkley, one of the greatest basketball players of all time, just sprouted adamantium claws (after a Twinkie-related fat joke was made, no less). I watched this, mouth agape, and had to rewind it and watch it again. And again. And again. Kenny Smith's expression makes me want to kick an old woman in the tit while sodomizing an otter with a lima bean.

Bottom line: I hate advertising. So much.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Herculoids: Most well-rounded hero team ever?

Earlier this evening, I was watching me some 90's Batman on Boomerang (back when Bruce Timm was the genius that produced it), when one of their "commercial replacements" came on in the form of the classic 60's cartoon Herculoids.
For you Hercu-tards out there (yeah, I just made that up), the show revolved around a He-Man-esque hero named Zandor, his wife Tarra, and son Zorno. Oh, and they also had five superpowered creatures follow them around as well. They are as follows:

Zok (the "laser-ray dragon")
Zok is a big green dragon-creature that breathes fire, can fly in space, and oh yeah; can shoot LASERS FROM HIS EYES AND TAIL. He's Zandor's primary form of transportation, and has an obnoxious screeching call to alert everyone in a fifteen mile radius that he's (at the most) fifteen miles away.

Igoo (the "giant rock ape")
"Giant rock ape" sums Igoo up pretty well, I think. But this ape made of rock doesn't have a heart made of stone, as he's apparently always cockblocking Zandor and saving his wife Terra from the crazy shenanigans this bizarre troupe seem to get in. Part of me wonders if his rock cock ever had intercourse with her human pussy. Another part of me can't believe I just typed that out for the world to see.
I wonder what the market for Herculoids porn is like?

Tundro (the "tremendous")
Before I get into the details of Tundro, I'd like to pose a question to you, the reader. You see those descriptive terms of each character after their name? That's the description of each respective character from the opening dialogue. Now, Zok, Igoo, and the upcoming duo of Gloop and Gleep have pretty good ones, right? For instance, you know what's up with Igoo before the show's even started, because the announcer-man tells you that he is, quite literally, a "giant rock ape." You could be blind and still get the general idea of what he looked like.
So reader, my question is this: why is Tundro just "tremendous?" If I was a blind fan of Herculoids and had no one to describe this character to me, I would be totally lost every time a major plot point involving Tundro happened (if this show has what can be considered a "plot"). All I would know is that he's probably big and probably strong. Both of these sentiments would be accurate, but I would have absolutely no idea that he is a 10-legged armored rhino that can shoot energy balls from his horn; who spins his head super-fast so he can drill into the sides of mountains and shit. I mean, come on, he's pretty awesome, if not totally ridiculous.
You know, maybe it's better that they don't tell you Tundro's powers or describe him in any way in the introduction. Going back to the "blind Herculoids fan" scenario, I would probably turn my television off and shoot myself in the head if I heard an accurate description of this character.
And no, I have no idea why a blind person would own a gun.

Gloop and Gleep (the "formless, fearless wonders")
Perhaps the most famous of this motley crew, Gloop and Gleep were a pair of amorphous blobs that could assume nearly any form, split into mini multiples of themselves, and talk in a language that consisted of them saying "DI DI DI DI DI DI DI" in annoyingly high-pitched voices back and forth to each other. It has always been assumed that Gloop is the parent to the adolescent Gleep, and it sort of shows. Gloop always seems to know what's up, while Gleep seems...well...sort of retarded.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Herculoids. Three humans and five superpowered creature-things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I suggest you check it out sometime.*

*After writing this, I have absolutely no idea why I was such a huge fan of this show as a child. Maybe I was secretly being fed crack, and this just made my high that much better. Maybe...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I was riding my bike today when a regular customer from my work (Blockbuster) stopped me while he was walking. He's a 30-something gay man that lives with his mother and works at the McDonald's across the street. We've talked a few times, (my favorite conversation being when he rented "27 Dresses" for his mother because she was sick), but nothing too serious. Today though, this is the conversation we had:

Him: Aren't you the guy that works at Blockbuster?
Me: Yeah, sure do.
Him: Oh, you look so different out of your uniform.
Me: I get that a lot, yeah.

*five second pause*

Him: So, are you seeing anybody? Like, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or something?
Me: Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
Him: Oh, it must be nice to work at Blockbuster. I'm sure you two watch a lot of movies.
Me: She definitely abuses that power, yeah.
Him: Well, I'll see you around.
Me: Okay, see you.

Part of me wants to think he was just being nice, but another part of me wants to believe that he wants to be my papa bear or something.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I'm back, bitches.

That's right. After a two-month hiatus, I'm going to start writing either regularly or semi-regularly. Basically, I promise you all at least five posts a week. It'll be the same way it was, I promise. In fact, I might start an epic, multi-part, autobiographical post about what has happened since we last talked, 0 great blogosphere. It was going to be in a book (you know, the one I mentioned in my last post), but things have gotten a bit hazy with the deal I got from that small publisher. We'll see what happens.

In my absence, I've discovered Twitter (my profile is located here). I added it to the sidebar, so you can peer into my thoughts at any given moment. Thrilling, I know.

I should have a brand new post up in a day at the most. It's a three-part review! Woo!

Monday, January 26, 2009

"Tales from the Gypped"

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, I've had a lot of personal shit going on that has prevented me from writing in any way, shape, form, or fashion.
But do you see that neat little title above this post? That's what my memoir is going to be called. And in my dreams, the picture on the front will be of a zombie losing a card game or something. It'll be a memoir, told in the Augusten Burroughs-like style of a bunch of different unrelated short stories about things that have really happened to me. I have a solid 6 ideas going so far, two of which I've written about already on this blog (the ever-infamous "Flintstones Vitamins" and "Warriors of Virtue" posts). I expect for this to be taking up a lot of my time in the future, so I won't be updating this blog all that often anymore, at least until I either finish writing about all six subjects or get bored with the project.
So, Blogger, I bid thee farewell. Perhaps for a week, perhaps for a month, but definitely for a little while.

I love you.
-Ty "shaky toes" Walters

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Mini-movie reviews (#8)

Pineapple ExpressDirected by David Gordon Green
Starring Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Danny McBride
Released in 2008
Good: Rogen and Franco make an excellent team, and Franco plays what is perhaps one of the best drug-dealing movie characters in history. This movie only gets better after repeat watchings (I originally gave it a 6/10, then re-watched it). The "Rancor" joke at the end was fucking golden, too.
Bad: There were a few moments in which the movie was clearly catering to a stoned audience, which sort of bothered me for some reason. Maybe I'm just being a dick.
Rating: 8/10

Step Brothers Directed by Adam McKay
Starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly
Released in 2008
Good: It had its moments, most notably the "Boats N' Hoes" music video and a few minor jokes here and there.
Bad: It was just another throwaway "dumb comedy" from Will Ferrell. When will he and John C. Reilly start doing impressively funny and smart movies like Stranger Than Fiction and The Promotion (respectively) together?
Rating: 5.5/10

The WacknessDirected by Jonathan Levine
Starring Josh Peck, Olivia Thirlby, Ben Kingsley, Famke Janssen, Method Man, and Mary Kate Olsen
Released in 2008
Good: Peck has grown up considerably, and become one of the best up-and-coming actors out there with this role. Basically, he plays a weed dealer so well that I wondered if there was any method acting involved.
Bad: Some parts dragged on, and there were tons of things from modern-day that snuck their way into the movie.
Rating: 9/10

Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy ShowDirected by Ari Sandel
Starring Vince Vaughn, Ahmed Ahmed, John Caparulo, Bret Ernst, Sebastian Maniscalo, Jon Favreau, Dwight Yokam, and Justin Long
Released in 2006
Good: The comedians are funny. Sebastian Maniscalo has been one of my favorites since I saw his Comedy Central standup bit a few months back. It was interesting to see how he came to be the comedian he is today.
Bad: John Caparulo was funny, but sounded and performed like Larry the Cable Guy lite. There wasn't enough of the standup bits either.
Rating: 7/10

Irrelevance (#11)

"Hack your brain"
Boston.com has a neat how-to chart on their site with a few drugless-but-still-trippy experiments you can try out, including the interesting-sounding "putting halved ping pong balls on your eyes and listening to radio static makes you hallucinate" trick. I really want to try it as soon as possible.
Found on Neatorama.

Worst things in the world
I was at work today, and my friend/manager Ryan and I agreed that shitting on someone's chest without their permission is one of the worst/most unforgivable things in the world. As to how this came about, I'll only say that it had to do with our attraction to Zooey Deschanel.
Anyways, back in the day, I started writing a list with my friend Matt titled "the 100 worst things in the world," and got to writing around 40 of them. I still want to finish this list, so if you have anything that you think deserves to be on it, please let me know. I will give you credit, of course.

Some examples from Matt and I's list:
-When you peel off the wax paper from a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and the entire chocolate bottom comes off with it.
-When you turn on your iPod or other music player, and the music is REALLY FUCKING LOUD (this is also valid in cars).

Like I said, if you have ANYTHING that could POSSIBLY be in consideration for this list, let me know. When I do write the list, it will be in single-sentence format like the two examples above, to cut down on your time and mine.

Rescue Ink strikes again!
Longtime readers of my blog may remember a small post I did back in August about the groups of tattooed bikers that run an animal adoption agency in New York. Well, they are at it again, this time rescuing 180 orphaned kittens from a foreclosed home (news article here). They also have a website now, located here.

Batman classified ad
I just found this neat print on Turntable Lab's website:
I want it pretty badly. I'll bet it'll sell out soon, since everyone has Joker-mania right now.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My top five most anticipated movies of the first half of 2009

I had originally intended to write this on the 2nd or 3rd of this month, but obviously didn't. Feel free to insult my taste in the comments. Expect another one (dealing with the second half of '09) in July.

#5: The Brothers Bloom (May 29)Starring Mark Ruffalo and Adrien Brody, The Brothers Bloom follows the Bloom brothers (shocking!) who swindle and con millionaires into giving them boatloads of money. It was written and directed by the fantastic Rian Johnson, who helmed the 2005 drug-filled drama Brick (one of my favorite movies). Early reviews state that it is a fun-filled instant classic, and likely an awards contender. I'm hoping it will be something in the vein of In Bruges, which was one of my favorites from '08.

#4: Star Trek (May 8) In a world filled with movies set around space whose titles begin with the word "star," there has been only one set of movies for me: Star Wars. But my faith in George Lucas has been shaken, stirred, ingested, passed through several miles of intestinal tract, and subsequently pissed out over the course of the last ten years, so I've been looking for a new franchise to fall in love with.
Enter Lost co-creator J.J. Abrams' take on the 40-something year-old Star Trek franchise. With a new slew of actors, updated visuals, and no overbearing creators to ruin it (sorry, Gene), his take on the adventures of Captain James T. Kirk of the Star Trek Enterprise is shaping up to be one of the best.
And the best part about it all? Simon Pegg plays Scotty. Score!

#3: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1)Despite the fact that I keep relosing and regaining faith in Marvel Comics' movies after every other film they release, I can't help but be extremely excited for this. Hugh Jackman is reprising his role as Wolverine/Logan/James Howlett, in this adaptation of Wolvie's life before the X-Men, dating back to the early 1900's. Ryan Reynolds was perfectly cast as Wade Wilson/Deadpool a few months ago, following the news of Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am being cast as John Wraith. Leiv Schreiber was cast as Victor Creed/Sabertooth, and Friday Night Lights actor Taylor Kitsch was cast as Remy LeBeau/Gambit.
The production photos and trailer have been promising, though I am slightly nervous about their version of Deadpool. You see, in the trailer, we see an unmasked Ryan Reynolds swinging two swords around (Deadpool's signature weapons) while wearing a red tank-top. Hopefully this isn't what he looks like "in costume," because I will be a million times more disappointed than I was when I saw Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and realized that Galactus was an oort cloud.

#2: Moon (TBA)I want to mention this before I go on a rant about this movie: Sam Rockwell is one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood right now. From powerful roles in movies like Snow Angels to undeniably funny roles in movies like Choke (which I still haven't seen), and smaller (but still amazing) roles in movies like The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, he is definitely on my list of actors to be on the lookout for in coming years.
The movie is set in the not-so-far future in which Rockwell's character (an astronaut named Sam Bell) is stranded on the moon for three years straight. Apparently, sometime near the date he is set to leave the rocky planet, he has a "personal encounter" or something like that. I haven't read the book, so I'm not sure what exactly happens, but it sure does sound interesting.
Besides that, the movie looks appealing to me for three reasons:

-It's a drama. Set in space. Duh.
-It's directed by Duncan Jones, AKA Zowie Bowie, AKA David Bowie's son (who wrote the book that the movie is based on). Once again, duh.
-It's an independent movie with an original story that co-stars Kevin Spacey as the voice of a robot. For the third time, duh.

The trouble with the last one is that it has no known movie distributor over here in the U.S., so no release date has been set. Fingers crossed that it'll be soon, eh?

#1: Watchmen (March 6)I'm so excited for this movie that I maintain an erection for close to four hours after every time I think about it. And I think about it about once every 20 seconds, so life has been painful and embarassing since the time I saw the first boner-ific trailer a few months ago. See, you think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I am more excited for this movie than I was for The Dark Knight's release this last summer. Basically, that means I'm really fucking excited. Really.
Based on the epic graphic novel of the same name and directed by Zach Snyder (of 300 fame) Watchmen follows a few formerly masked-and-costumed individuals as they stave off demons from their past in 1980's New York City. It's action-packed, story-based, and really fucking original and awesome.
To be blunt, if Snyder doesn't fuck this one up, and actually stays true to the book, it will be one of the greatest movies of all time. Lawd knows it's one of the best books.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

State of the blog: January 8, 2009

Well, shit. I haven't been updating for the last two or three weeks, and I'm sorry. I have three excuses:

#1: Work - I've been working a lot lately. Yep.

#2: Computer access - Due to my stupidity, I can't access a computer at my house for the time being. Not sure how long this is going to last, but you guys will be the first to know when it stops.

#3: My mother - My mom had her hip replaced on the 29th, and my job has been to keep my house from burning down like she does every single day.

Other than that, not a lot else has been going on in my life. I'm writing, but only by hand. Sure, it's slow and tedious, but I still need an outlet.
So with that said, I have a ton of new ideas for the new year. Expect most of them to be used by mid-March, since I'm an asshole.

I decided to delete the "top 20 of '08" posts. I'm never going to finish it, and it is time to move on. Get over it, kiddos.
Expect a few major updates in the next few days. I won't be on every day, but I'll try my hardest for you people.