Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Top five worst Pokemon (out of the original 150)

Blah blah blah anecdote, my childhood, blah blah blah. I'm getting too old for this. On with the list!

5) WartortleIn order to explain how I feel about Wartortle, I would like to show the transcript of what I believe was the conversation between the people designing the Pokemon back in 1994:
Designer #1 (D1): Okay, we need the middle form of the Squirtle/Blastoise evolution chain.
Designer #2 (D2): Hmm, any ideas?
D1: Well, we could just give Squirtle a weird, wavecrest-like tail, make him look angry (for no apparent reason), color him a darker shade of blue, and put weird things on the side of his head that look like the wings on the sandals of the Greek god Mercury?
D2: ...that's...absolutely...BRILLIANT. What will we name such a creature?
D1: Well, we'd have to incorporate an allusion to "turtle" in there...he looks kinda angry...anger...despair...death...
WAR. Warturtle?
D2: No, we can't say "turtle." Mother Nature might sue us.
D1: War...tortise? No...
(Both look at each other frantically)
D1 & D2: WAR...TORTLE!!!
D2: I can smell the pussy train a' comin'!
D1: Damn straight! We gonna get all kinds of Japanese poon from ripping off Mother Nature like this!
D2: Hell yeah!
D1: Fuck yes!
Man, what a great fucking idea. The tagline for a Wartortle movie would read:
Wartortle: The Retard's Squirtle
What a d-bag. I'd shoot him in the face with a brick-launcher if I ever saw him.

4) Exeggcute
For some reason, before doing research for this list, I had forgotten Eggsecute existed. And now that I realize this, I wished I hadn't remembered.
What the fuck is this shit? Six egg-like creatures that communicate psychically? Seriously? That was the best they could come up with? Take more LSD, guys. Come on.
Since Exeggcute apparently made the list of 150 originals, and it absolutely sucks, I'd hate to see the list of the Pokemon that didn't make it. Like...like...Puzzlor!("Puzzlor" is copyrighted and trademarked by T. Walters Inc. and all of its subsidiaries. 2009)

3) JynxJynx is more of a cop-out than any Pokemon on this list. Hey racists! Let's make a cartoonish black woman that dresses like a weird, wizard-y prostitute, give her exaggerated lips and a blonde wig, and try to pass it off as a new creature! You know, one that you can pit against other creatures! One that will bend to your will and listen to you no matter what!
That's called slavery, kids.

2) Zubat

Again, a cop-out. An eyeless bat? Brilliance! But that's not why Zubat makes this list.
Zubat is on here because in every single game (newer generations included), he FUCKED YOUR SHIT UP in any cave. Every five fucking steps you took, there was a Zubat. Even worse, their high agility made them ALWAYS ATTACK FIRST, and every single fucking Zubat seemed to know three moves:

Poison Fang
(which poisioned you)

Confuse Ray (which confused you)

Leech Life (which drained your health)

Like I said, he FUCKED YOUR SHIT UP. Any way you left that battle, you were screwed. Even worse, if you didn't stock up on Paralyze and Poison Heals, your first space Pokemon ended up getting assraped by a herd of wild, blue and purple blind bats. Shit sucked. A lot.

1) Metapod
Metapod is a joke. This little turd cost me so many trainer battles when I was a kid. Let me explain:
In order to make him evolve, I'd have him at the front of my party, then my first move would be to switch him out for a more powerful Pokemon; giving both Pokemon equal experience (and allowing Metapod to do what he did best: nothing).
I'd only do this in wild Pokemon battles, since trainers in the beginning of the game (where Metapod/Caterpie was usually found) usually raped face when given a single-move advantage like when you do the swap-out.
But every so often, I'd forget he was at the front of my party, and he'd either be killed or cause another member of my party to be killed (or both). I hated it. I hated him.
And for those of you who say "WELL TY, THERE IS KAKUNA. THEY ARE BASICALLY THE SAME. DURR," you need to shut your whore mouth right this second. First of all, Kakuna at least look cool, unlike the green piece of shit that is Metapod:Second, Kakuna evolves into Beedrill, a GIANT, BIPEDAL BEE with DRILLS for HANDS:
What do you get after Metapod evolves? This little faggoty number:
That, my dear readers, is why Metapod BLOWS.

Shut up and wait another 40 days for me to publish something mildly interesting and/or funny. Bow down and beg, bitches.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The top five best Pokemon (out of the original 150)

When I was a kid, there were three things I cared about: Star Wars, Capri Suns, and Pokemon. And to be completely frank, there was somewhere I was going with this semi-anecdotal bit of information, but I can't seem to recall what it is at this moment in time. Ah well, it doesn't really matter anyways. Not like many of you care. On with the list.

5) Scyther
The teeth. The wings. The "hands." Scyther is one badass motherfucker. Look at that shit-eating grin/scowl on that mug up there. He knows he's awesome. He knows he could slice you apart with a flick of his...arm. And that's what makes him so goddamn cool.
Besides, how could a Pokemon with GIANT KNIVES FOR HANDS not at least be considered when making this list? Not to mention the fact that he's based off of a Praying Mantis (just with a dinosaur-like head), a bug who, after the females mate with the males, BITE THE HEAD off of the dude she just fucked. Oh, and they eat their children. It's more common than you know. It's actually amazing they haven't died out yet.
Anyways, it may be number five on this list, but assuming that it has anything in common with its real-life counterpart, it's number one on the "most brutal Pokemon ever." Definitely.
Oh, and according to Ash's Pokedex in episode 042, Scyther is "enraged by the color red." So he's easily angered by trivial things? Man, he's one bottle of Scotch away from being an American.

4) Eevee
There are three reasons Eevee is on this list (in order of importance):
I believe those are good enough reasons. Next!

3) Farfetch'dAny non-legendary Pokemon that can convince the better part of people in the Pokeverse that it doesn't exist is definitely incredible. And to be named after a word meaning "unbelievable?" Even better.
One of the Pokedex entries in a semi-recent episode of the show had this to say:
Farfetch'd, the Wild Duck Pokémon. Using the green onion that it holds like a sword, Farfetch'd can slice through a variety of objects.
Wait, what? A green onion? Cutting through things? Can...can Farfetch'd change the motherfucking PHYSICAL PROPERTIES of things? If not, would you care to explain how he can swipe through ANYTHING with his green onion baton? Have you ever tried cutting through a tree with a green onion? It isn't easy. Some would say it's impossible. But Farfetch'd can do it, and he does it well.
I challenge any reader of this blog to get a green onion (or a leek) and try cutting ANYTHING with it. It won't fucking happen. You are not a Farfetch'd.
Besides that, his name is the only one to contain an apostrophe. That's just neat.
Watch this video and laugh your ass off:

2) Dragonite
How many Pokemon would scare you if you met them in person? 20? 30? 50? How many Pokemon would you hug the shit out of if you met them in person? More? How many can you say would scare you, but in the cutest way possible?
One. Dragonite. This cute ass would crush you if you looked at it the wrong way, but still manages to be in the top ten most aesthetically pleasing Pokemon ever. And according to his Pokedex entry, he flies super fucking fast. Faster than anything. Awesome!
You just want to shrink him down and take him everywhere, don't you? Awwwww.

1) Meowth
You may be asking yourself why Meowth is my choice for the best Pokemon (out of the top 150). He's pretty average-looking. Not powerful. And to top it off, his evolved form is actually pretty cool.
So why is he number one? Because if you were anything like me as a kid, you became sick and fucking tired of "pika-this" and "char-that," and needed a motherfucking talking Pokemon to break up the monotony. Sure, he got sorta annoying. Sure, he was "the enemy." But at least he talked. I got fucking sick of Ash, Misty, and Brock all acting like they could understand what a barrage of "pikapikapikapika" (with hand signs!) meant. Sure, it looked cute for about four seconds, but then it just made me want to punt a Togepi. And that is why he will always be number one.

Expect the "top five worst Pokemon" post tomorrow evening. It'll probably be funnier.