Why I hate mainstream music part 1 of 3: Rock

For the next three days, I'll be writing about one of the "big three" music genres that are generally heard on the radio. Today, rock. Tomorrow, country. The next day, rap. I will be critiquing that genre's chart-topping hit via music video.
Today's video is for the song "Too Drunk to Fuck," by the extremely terrible band Buckcherry:

Before I begin to comprehend the artistic value of this video and song, allow me to first consult a Buckcherry fan (via the video's comments).
h0ttchic10 writes:

"this song rocks!!! i love buckcherry! i have almost all of thire songs on my ipod"

Oh, do you? You must be the biggest fucking Buckcherry fan there is. I can tell. I mean, you have almost all of their songs on your iPod. No one can compete with that shit.
Anyways, let's take a look at some of the...inventive lyrics in this song:

I hit the bottle in the morning in the summertime
I quit my job 'cuz it gets in the way
I find a party by the ocean, buy the cheapest wine
Call up my friends to come and waste the day

I got a dimebag, corduroys, colored sleeves
And a bindle and some LSD
Now I'm just looking for a girl to meet
To help me to forget my name

I could spend my lifetime getting high
Never wanna live in a suit and tie
Most of us are just living a lie
That's why we get fucked up everynight

I'll get drunk all night
Oh, I'll get drunk all day
Oh, I'll get drunk all night
I'm sorry but I have to say
I'm too drunk to fuck

Now the party was jumping, and the girls were fine
With their lipstick, summer glaze
I got so many women coming after me
I put some pussy on layaway

I was smoked out, tore up, drunk as fuck
And I wouldn't want to change a thing
Young and dumb and full of cum
With a sugar-loaded candy cane

And this is just the first 2/3 of the song. My personal favorite verse is the last one, in which he calls his penis a "sugar-loaded candy cane." This is not an accurate metaphor, unless his dick is curved, striped, and minty. I also love how he's too drunk to fuck, but not too drunk to write shitty songs about being too drunk to fuck.
But seriously, Buckcherry is trying far too hard to recapture the 80's image of a badass. If Axl Rose was a shitty songwriter, he would have written a song just like this back at the beginning of his career. Look at the way they dress! It's insane.
This song is like that friend that everyone has that always brags about how many drugs they do, or how "fucked up they were this weekend." It's annoying, immature, and makes them look like the pricks that they are.
The girl in the video is foxy though.