Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ol' Glory Energy Drink

A few weeks ago, I was at Wal-Mart picking up a few things to write about, when I stumbled upon what is quite possibly the most epic $1 drink ever created:
It's an energy drink named Ol' Glory, made by a company of the same name. Ol' Glory! Like the American flag! It has a Bald fucking Eagle on it, with the stars and stripes providing a gaudy and incredibly patriotic background. But wait, it gets better:
Yes, the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE is on the other side. As if we need to recite it before indulging in what is most likely a horrible-tasting energy drink. My favorite tough is the capitalization of the words "UNDER GOD" and nothing else. Like that's the only part that matters.
But before I taste test this beverage, I'd like to show you a few things from their website.
On the homepage, there is a photo montage containing horribly Photoshopped images, like the two below:

I'd love to see this as a magazine advertisement, with the tagline reading: "Ol' Glory: It's so fucking patriotic that Civil War-era soldiers walk straight out of the fucking can playing drums and flutes and shit."This is actually the poster promoting the new Will Smith action movie, "When Giant Floating Statue of Liberties Attack Hot-Air Balloon Festivals." Coming summer 2009.
After the front page, there is a section titled "The Drink" that contains the following passage:

Ol' Glory combines a variety of energy enhancing ingredients including Taurine, Caffeine, Sugars and Essential B and C Vitamins to create a unique, delicious flavor that can be consumed straight, on the rocks or in combination with many adult beverages of choice. Cheers!

Go to any bar in America, and ask for an "Ol' Glory on the rocks" or "Jack and Glory," and I promise you that the bartender will punch you in the face. Plus, isn't alcoholism rampant in the US? You'd think they'd refrain from promoting it. But I guess liquor is part of Americana, so whatever.
The "About US" page (nice emphasis on the US) gives an excuse for why they decided to capitalize "UNDER GOD" on the can:

The graphics were designed using red, white and blue, the American Bald Eagle, the American Flag and the Pledge of Allegiance with the words "Under God" emphasized. Ol' Glory was positioned as a product that reflects the pride and values that make the United States of America a great Nation.

Isn't the "we love God and that makes us a great nation" mentality exactly what is wrong with every country in the Middle East? You know, the ones that have been fighting for thousands of years?
But my personal favorite section of the site is that which is marked "Freedom." It basically speaks for itself.
But on to the drink. It looks like every other basic energy drink on the market, which means it resembles beer without the foam:

Pretty standard-looking, correct?
Well, it smells very citrus-y, as if you combined a lemon and an orange. It's appealing, and makes me wonder if it tastes good. I don't think it will.

*Taste test here*

I am incredibly shocked right now. It is actually really, really good. It tastes like the makers mixed one part Rockstar and three parts Sprite. It's almost uncanny how much it reminds me of it. I thought this would have a very generic, medicine-like taste, like most energy drinks. I drank the whole thing, easily. It doesn't even burn your throat. I guess you really can't judge a drink by its website.
In all honesty, I can easily picture myself buying this again. It's delicious. I'm surprised, and feeling a bit more patriotic. I reccomend it.

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