Monday, September 22, 2008

Steven Segal's Lightning Bolt: Cherry Charge

I know it seems semi-lame, but I've decided to dub this week "food and drink week," because I'll be primarily writing/reviewing different strange food (and drink!) that I've been saving for this sort of thing. It's fun for me to write, and hopefully fun for you to read. I'm only doing it until Saturday, so you'll have to put up with it until then.

The first on my list of bizarre food and drink is this:
Steven Segal's very own energy drink. For those of you that don't know, Segal is an action movie "star," and was especially popular in the early 90's. On a scale of awesomeness, he's about a 2, right next to "itchy balls" and "McDonald's." He's incredibly corny, and not in a good way.
There are two varieties of this drink, "Asian Experience" and "Cherry Charge." I didn't feel like drinking anything that was flavored like an ethnicity and sounded vaguely sexual, so I chose the fruit-flavored one: Before I crack this sucker open and pour it down my gullet, let's read a bit from the website, shall we? From the "learn more" section about the Chi symbol that he uses for a logo:

When Steven Seagal traveled to Asia searching for the ingredients for Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt, he wanted a universal Asian character to summarize it's energy and power. The character known as "CHI" stands for power, and energy in many Asian languages and cultures.
Oh my, Steven WENT TO FUCKING ASIA SEARCHING FOR INGREDIENTS just for me! I love how in my mind, I see him in a boat paddled by an extremely old Asian man across a foggy lake with bamboo shoots on either side, wearing one of those ridiculous Chinese hats that look like extremely flat cones, on his quest for ingredients. It's terrible. He's copyrighted a fucking ancient Asian character for a fucking energy drink! That's like copyrighting the letter "F!" Not to mention, it's completely disrespectful to the Buddhists he apparently studies under. I wonder if they drink this?
Next, we have the website's absolutely stunning excuse for naming the drink "Steven Segal's Lightning Bolt":

The name Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt was an inevitable afterthought. When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature - The Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. Both mysterious and powerful, it's a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer- Such is Steven Seagals Lightning Bolt energy drink.
The drink holds so much motherfucking untold natural power, that they felt the need to repeat themselves for emphasis. THE POWER OF THIS DRINK IS LIKE LIGHTNING: UNEXPLAINABLE AND POWERFUL. Is that why I got it at Wal-Mart for $1.24?
Also, isn't this sort of comparing Steven to God? I mean, Steven himself (allegedly) created this drink, which they claim is as powerful as lightning. And God himself (allegedly) created lightning. So Steven Segal is (allegedly) as powerful as God? I'll buy that logic any day.
As for the drink itself, it tastes like maraschino cherry-flavored medicine. The coloring is a bit odd, too:
I don't think I would buy it again. I don't really feel all that energized, even after finishing the entire can. It just doesn't seem all that great to me. Maybe it's because I'm desensitized to caffeine.
Oh, and I also think I should mention that the smell is absolutely repugnant. Before I took my first sip, I was completely taken aback by how strong it is. I could barely take a sip, it was that bad.

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