Sunday, July 20, 2008

Meeting Miranda Cosgrove

Many of you may know the girl above from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh, where she plays the brothers' bitch of a sister. The rest of you probably recognize her from her other Nick show, called iCarly, in which she plays the titular character. She has a web show that she runs with her two friends, and it is wildly successful (the in show-show and the show itself).
Anyways, Miranda made an appearance at my local Best Buy yesterday, and I was kind enough to go and log my experiences. It was a day of tweens, annoying employees, and godawful music. It was my journey to meet Miranda. I went with my friend Nicole, so she'll be mentioned from time to time.

2:03 PM:
I leave my house, and the Drake and Josh movie happens to be on. Is this an omen for the future? I think so.

2:25 PM: We arrive at Best Buy. It is a fucking madhouse:

Oh yes. And this was just the outside line, two hours before she was set to arrive. The line was snaked all around the inside of the store. I'd estimate it was somewhere between three and four times as long as what you see here. Shitloads of kids, oh yes.

2:34 PM: We go inside. They have what look like hundreds of the iCarly soundtrack CD's inside (which is what she is promoting). Piles and piles, to say the least. Nicole and I get one and stand in line. Then we are told by the cashier that they just ran out of the wristbands for a priority spot in line. They had 500, and we were literally #501. Figures, right? So we put the CD down and leave Best Buy. We decide to come back later, when it isn't as crowded.

2:45 PM:
We decide to see a movie while we are waiting. The only movie I haven't seen (besides the terrible-looking "Meet Dave") is "Get Smart." We are scheduled to see it at 3:30.

2:54 PM: I have to sit outside the theater while the people clean it up. The "Madagascar 2" standee childishly smiles at me.

That fucking lion was mocking me. Asshole.

3:03 PM: I hate movie theater music. HATE it. Jason Mraz can suck a dick.

3:35 PM: Right as the previews start, a fatass family comes in and sits right next to Nicole and I. There are maybe three other groups of people in the theater. Really, people? Was it really fucking necessary to do that? Asswipes.

5:37 PM: The movie lets out, and I'm in a better mood.

5:42 PM: My mood is changed when I see that the line actually grew since we left. Of course, the people moved, but even more people replaced them. It's like America's population!

5:47 PM: There are some weeeeird people in front of us. There is a dad and daughter, she's short and potbellied, he's tall and lanky. She keeps scratching his back, for some reason. Like I said, weird.

5:49 PM: It's sad when you are so bored that you watch a mentally challenged boy named Noah throw rocks at other rocks. His mom has a used band-aid stuck to the bottom of her purse. I want to tell her, but my bitterness towards the situation won't let me.

6:00 PM: A teenage worker from the tween store "Sweet and Sassy" is walking through the line, spraying glitter in girl's hair. Potbelly in front of me wants some, and the residual spray covers me in hooker dust. I hate my life.

6:04 PM: I decide to go inside to see what it is like, and end up seeing Miranda. She's at the front of the store, and zillions of moms are taking pictures. Girls are screaming, and security guards are telling folks to "move it along." I snapped this while walking:

She's wearing a Blondie shirt. I always wonder if people like that are actually fans, or if they wear it because it's retro. I wish I could ask. Maybe I will.

6:10 PM: I'm told by an associate that this appearance was advertised on TV. I really wonder if that was true. I can't seem to find anything about it.

6:16 PM: An overweight, unibrowed girl walks out of Best Buy, and starts talking to one of the girls in front of us. She tells her she woke up at 6:45 this morning to get ready. What a lying sack of shit. No way would you need that much preparation for meeting motherfucking Miranda Cosgrove. She isn't Elvis.

6:19 PM: A man with a very pronounced lisp named Sean is handing out little pink Best Buy stickers for everyone to stick on their cameras to show they aren't stolen. He's a nice man, that Sean.

6:29 PM: As we walk inside, the theme song from the show starts blasting through the speakers. Tweens everywhere are screaming along. Why did I come here?

6:31 PM: Potbelly keeps leaving and returning to her spot next to her father, whining about not being able to get a picture. Her dad convinces her to leave and go eat dinner. A pair of 13-year-old twins behind us flirt with me incessantly. They look a lot like Miranda. Maybe I'm just delusional.

6:36 PM: The music turns off. There is a God.

6:37 PM: The music turns on again, playing the theme song, again. God is cruel.

6:40 PM: There is a Best Buy associate here that looks like a child molester. I'll bet he's in heaven. Wait, no. He's in hell, because he can't do shit. HA!

6:42 PM: They cut the line off about 40 people behind us. No more shall see the Cosgrove on this day.

6:44 PM: The line cuts through the refrigerator section of the store, and we see a coloring book page from hell:

You can't tell me that that Cabbage Patch Kid does not look like it is from the deepest, darkest corners of Satan's mind. It looks like if you saw it in real life, it would sprout 12-foot bat wings, screech, and attempt to kill you via Cabbage Patch Claws. I'm scared.

6:45 PM: A tiny dinosaur cut out of construction paper warms my heart:
He's thinking "AAAAH!" which leads me to believe he thinks the same thing about the hellish Cabbage Patch Demon on his neighboring refrigerator. He understands me. I named him Bernie, and bid him farewell with a tear in my eye.

6:47 PM: Someone must have put the theme song for iCarly on repeat. It actually isn't that bad, once you memorize every facet of every lyric.

6:48 PM: I take that back. This is the worst song ever. Wait, no. This is the ten worst songs ever.

7:02 PM: Nicole takes some tasty Koala's March crackers out of her backpack, and we eat. With a heavy hand, I accidentally break off one's ear:
He will be remembered as the first casualty of this war. Rest in peace, tiny koala-that-is-eating-a-donut. You were awfully tasty.

7:31 PM: I can't help but post an admitedly snarky bulletin on Myspace as we walk by the computers. I tell my friends that I'm about to meet Miranda, and their non-response tells me that they are ashamedly jealous.

7: 46 PM: We walk by the entertainment center display that Best Buy has. I'm not sure what movie is playing, but it has a lot of guns and explosions. It fits the situation perfectly.

7:48 PM: We walk by an iPod dock, and guess what is playing? The iCarly theme song. The Best Buy Gods still hate me.

7:52 PM: Word starts going around that Miranda is no longer posing for pictures, just signing the CD. Nicole goes and tries to buy a CD for her to sign, but they are all sold out. I sheepishly take out the flyer for the event, feeling moronic as I do so.

7:56 PM: And here it goes. Two hours of waiting in line to get a crinkled piece of paper signed, along with a quick "Hi, thanks for coming!" (sans eye contact) from Miranda Cosgrove herself. Totally worth it. She was all business. She wanted to get out of this middle-of-nowhere town, I could tell. Also, she's a lot taller than she looks.

7:59 PM: I bid farewell to Best Buy, remembering all of the good times that came to me from within. With achy feet and a heavy heart, I move on.
So in the end, I learned some things. I learned that not all tween starlets are bitches, Best Buy is the worst place to sign anything if you are famous, and that some really fucking weird people like iCarly (myself included).

Thanks to Nicole for the pictures.

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