Why Garfield Sucks

People's fascination with Garfield is one of the things in this world that I will never, ever understand. It is by far the most unfunny comic strip of all time. Sure, as a child I enjoyed me some Garfield (keep in mind I also thought Star Wars was a documentary), but that was before I realized that nearly every strip is the same. Garfield is either eating, or dieting, or kicking Odie, or complaining about Mondays, or torturing Jon, or getting old, or eating, or dieting, or kicking Odie, or complaining about Mondays, or torturing Jon, or getting old. It is the SAME THING day after day. This comic is syndicated in over 2,500 newspapers worldwide (holding the world record, mind you), yet it uses and reuses the same material. It would be one thing if the comics were readable. But no, they aren't. It's just another piece of trash in the ever-expanding garbage dump that is American pop culture.
Jim Davis, the human that birthed this behemoth, has said in several interviews that he originally created Garfield as a marketing device. I guess it worked. He has had two terrible cinematical movies (where he was voiced by Bill Murray), three direct-to-DVD CGI movies, and countless forms of merchandise based on his spawn. Funnily enough, Davis doesn't even write or draw the strip anymore, for "aging reasons." He has a crew of interns do it for him. He just signs and dates them. He isn't interested in art, humor, or getting a message out there. He's only interested in money, marketing, and making sure every single car window in America has a suction cup-footed Garfield hanging from it. I mean, look at that smug bastard. He knows we're on to him, yet he doesn't care. He knows that there will always be a rash of Midwestern housewives and grandmothers buying up coffee mugs and nighties adorned with a pissy Garfield complaining about Monday mornings, because they think that sort of thing is actually legitimately funny.
The town where Davis was born (Fairmount, IL) even has several Garfield statues dotting the landscape in the area. Yes, you read that right. Forget statues of people that have actually advanced our culture in the last 200 years. They want a few statues of a cartoon cat! Isn't that wacky? I can imagine the tourism board for this poor county where Davis was belched from hell wanting to capitalize on this cat even more than Davis has.
I was able to find an instance in which Jim's cronies used the exact same punchline for a joke 6 days in a row:
Each of these uses cutting-edge humor. Bachelors are messy?! Bachelors don't care?! HILARIOUS. ORIGINAL. AMAZING. JIM DAVIS DESERVES A 900-FOOT TALL FOUNTAIN ERECTED IN HIS HONOR. IT WILL BE MADE OF OF PLATINUM MINED FROM THE SURFACE OF PLUTO, AND WILL SPOUT DRAGON TEARS FROM HIS THROBBING BONER THAT HE GETS FROM SUCKERING AMERICA OUT OF MORE MONEY. MAYBE THEY'LL ILLUSTRATE HOW MUCH MERCHANDISE THERE IS INVOLVING GARFIELD BY MAKING THE FOUNTAIN SHIT OUT GARFIELD STUFFED ANIMALS PERIODICALLY.
This just goes to show you how no matter how hard you try, you will never be as good as a cartoon cat. He just breaks too many comedy boundaries.

Note: I'm writing this on a Monday just to piss Garfield off, the whiny bastard.

Garfield-related humor can be found below:
Garfield Minus Garfield is a site where a dude Photoshops Garfield out of strips, making Jon look crazier than he already looks. Jim Davis likes it. So do I. At least we have that in common.
Click here for Maddox's rant on Garfield. It's better than anything I could have ever written.

Click here to read X-Entertainment's article on Garfield merch.