Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Clifford the Big Red Dog

If you've ever been to a grade-school book fair, you've probably seen some asshole in a Clifford suit running around. Apparently, he's the Scholastic books mascot, and he's fucking annoying. Not because the people in the suits practically stalk you while you are at these fairs, but because I genuinely don't understand what the big sell behind this giant dog is.
He's huge. Not just big, huge. I'd estimate he's anywhere from 3-5 stories high (Wiki says 25 feet tall). That's incredibly inconvenient. Not only do you have to spend $40,000 on dog food a month, but you have to brush giant hair, make giant dog collars out of 14 cows, and pick up giant, steaming turds. He also probably has giant, 1-foot tall fleas that you have to beat with shovels. His owner must be one wealthy bitch, because he's one giant fucking dog. Why don't they just kill him and send him over to Africa, or China or something? I'm sure a few hundred thousand people could eat him. I never fully understood what made him so big, anyways. Radiation? Growth hormones? Who knows?! Once again, Wiki says:
"No one expected Clifford to grow, but Emily Elizabeth's love for her tiny red puppy changed Clifford dramatically."
That sounds like a massive pile of Clifford-shit to me. My dog is hardly up to my knees, and I love her more than anything in the world.
I also never understood why he is red. I've seen blue dogs, but no red dogs. This sort of goes along with my radiation idea from earlier. Maybe his mother was kicked in the stomach.
In closing, fuck Clifford. That dog is impossible, and gives kids false hopes.

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