Vance on: Robocop

This was written by my friend Vance a few days ago. I love it.

It's futile to even attempt to fathom how much I love Robocop. Don't even try. First you'll just be curious, and try to come up with some idea of how much I adore the "Future of Law Enforcement". Then it'll bug you. Soon after that you'll be dying to know and you'll begin your research. By now it's become an obsession, crawling under your skin like the scarabs in "The Mummy". You stop showing up at your job because now your only task is to analyze every inch of media surrounding this robotic cop. You begin to set up multiple TVs in your house, so no matter which of the many Robocop games you're playing, you can always have all three movies playing in a continuous loop (including the short lived animated series and the four-part miniseries "Robocop: Prime Directives"). You scour every corner of the earth to obtain all issues of the Marvel comic book series and use the pages in a multi-layered quilt and plaster it on your walls as a makeshift wallpaper. By now you've begun receiving eviction notices from your landlord. This is most likely due to the smelting workshop you built inside your house in order to make an authentic Robocop uniform. Some of the scorching hot metal must have dripped into the foundation of the home. Despite this minor setback you remain ever vigilant in your quest. After being denied by every plastic surgeon in the country (I don't see what's so wrong with wanting to have metallic plating permanently attached to your body), you begin schooling for cosmetic surgery and in due time, make your suit final. After a lifetime of service to the metal boy in blue you seek approval from yours truly. You come to me in baited breath, armor and all, asking "Have I done adequate sire?". And I reply instantly with a disappointed tone, "Thy hath yet make a dent in my never-ending odyssey of the cyborg police man. For even I do not know how much I hath praised him." You will then leave promptly and take your own life.
Moral of the story: if you think about how much I like Robocop, you will commit suicide.