Friday, October 17, 2008

Testicular replacement

This is another passage from my novella that I'm working on, Ridiculosity: A Lifetime of the Unabashedly Bizarre. Let me know what you think.

Rumors of Walters’ testicular replacement are true; doctor says
By Zelda Heinrich

Last week, famed writer, musician, and sea horse trainer Ty Walters was rumored to have had an experimental testicular replacement surgery, despite having no medical problems in his nether regions whatsoever. The wildly-circulating rumors were proven true when the head doctor of said operation stepped forward with a statement yesterday.
"Walters came to us with a request, and paid us over $4.7 million dollars to carry it out," says James Hildenburg of the Center for Testicular Replacement and care in Chicago, Illinois. Hildenburg went on to explain that he replaced Walters’ standard, pube and lint-covered nutsack with a more ergonomic platinum-coated steel one. Walters apparently then asked the team that replaced his precious balls if they could embellish the cold, steel exterior of the left testicle with sapphires, and the right with emeralds; making the term “family jewels” completely literal. The team agreed.
"It really is a beautiful sack," says Hilde Bruntguarde, one of the nurses that helped during the procedure. "I would definitely love it if my man would get something like that. I can imagine the world looks better through his pair of Arabian goggles."
Hildenburg also said that Walters is planning on going into the Center sometime next week, with plans to have the team make his new testicles clank together to the tune of the Pantera song "Cowboys From Hell." No word yet on how the team plans to do this.


Chonch Melarki said...

Best post of all time.
rlyrly. Tops the "Luda" blog.

Lirix said...


I hadn't been on your blog in a while before 4.30 this afternoon, and the past three hours have just flown by.

If you get this story published, I will most definitely buy it. The last ten minutes I haven't been able to divert my thoughts from thinking of the impracticalities of metal balls. Thanks for that... :P