Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Brute Force

Before stumbling across the subject of today's post, I was fairly okay with the month and year I was born in. Not a lot happened in August of 1990, besides the first shots of the Gulf War being fired (pish posh!). But my confidence in my birth-month was completely blown the fuck up when I stumbled across the following in the comics section of a used bookstore:Of course that's a dolphin in a robot suit, you asshole. Who the fuck asks questions like that?
But seriously, this is one of the most unintentionally hilarious objects I have ever come across. Look at the insanity!
Brute Force, released by Marvel and based on a nonexistent toy (yes, seriously), this four-issue miniseries was their attempt to pretend they cared about Mother Earth. Nevermind the fact that it was printed on unrecycled paper using hazardous inks, these fucking animals are the "PROTECTORS OF THE ENVIRONMENT." You can't screw with a bunch of cyborg animals; they'll fuck your shit up. A lot. Especially since they can talk with their suits, apparently. Now they can call you a pussy while they smash your face in with a giant metal boot. Emotional and physical damage. See what I mean? Total annihilation.
All of the characters are all done up in classic 90's style. The kangaroo is reminiscent of the music-loving best friend on approximately 65% of all sitcoms during this era. You know, the one that would refer to the main character's mom as "Mizz" Jones, and would always stay over for dinner? The one that always had a set of headphones around his neck? Yeah, that one:
Guess what his name is? It's fucking "Hip-Hop." A kangaroo. Named "Hip-Hop." I want to kill myself now. He looks like he's being taken from behind. What a douchenozzle.
But the kangaroo isn't the best part. Around this time, Transformers was really, really popular. Brute Force tried to capitalize on this by making their cyborg animals able to "transform" into vehicles for quick transportation:
(Note the silently-screaming corpse in the foreground. Wow.)
This strange quirk is never explained (or even mentioned) in the comic, so I'm assuming all cyborg costumes in the Marvel universe come standard with vehicular transformation. And yes, the dolphin and lion are motorcycles. And yes the bear turns into what can only be described as a "hugeass tank/turret thing with missiles 'n shit."
All of that aside, the interior of the book has some of the most entertaining, unintentional, single-panel jokes I've ever seen. Taken out of context, there are some completely fucked up jokes in this book. Some examples:

Note that there is no armor or goggles over his eyes to give him "eye lasers." Are we to assume he was born with laser vision?That's "Wreckless" the grizzly bear, with his "bearzooka." Yep. "Bearzooka."I wish the dolphin had an extended bubble where he said "And by wrapped up, I mean I just broke this dude's neck by bending his gun around it like a pretzel! Wahoo!"Awesome, 90's name for the opposing "evil" team: check. Octopus with tank treads and armor: check. Vulture with missiles and a mohawk: check. Rhinoceros with body armor in the form of steel plates: check. Shark with FUCKING BUZZSAWS FOR FEET AND A TURRET ON HIS BACK: double check.
So I am officially crowning Brute Force as the "Most awesomely terrible comic book idea of all time." Mostly because of that fucking kangaroo, though.

1 comment:

kaleb Alfadda said...

I like it.