Thursday, April 16, 2009

Herculoids: Most well-rounded hero team ever?

Earlier this evening, I was watching me some 90's Batman on Boomerang (back when Bruce Timm was the genius that produced it), when one of their "commercial replacements" came on in the form of the classic 60's cartoon Herculoids.
For you Hercu-tards out there (yeah, I just made that up), the show revolved around a He-Man-esque hero named Zandor, his wife Tarra, and son Zorno. Oh, and they also had five superpowered creatures follow them around as well. They are as follows:

Zok (the "laser-ray dragon")
Zok is a big green dragon-creature that breathes fire, can fly in space, and oh yeah; can shoot LASERS FROM HIS EYES AND TAIL. He's Zandor's primary form of transportation, and has an obnoxious screeching call to alert everyone in a fifteen mile radius that he's (at the most) fifteen miles away.

Igoo (the "giant rock ape")
"Giant rock ape" sums Igoo up pretty well, I think. But this ape made of rock doesn't have a heart made of stone, as he's apparently always cockblocking Zandor and saving his wife Terra from the crazy shenanigans this bizarre troupe seem to get in. Part of me wonders if his rock cock ever had intercourse with her human pussy. Another part of me can't believe I just typed that out for the world to see.
I wonder what the market for Herculoids porn is like?

Tundro (the "tremendous")
Before I get into the details of Tundro, I'd like to pose a question to you, the reader. You see those descriptive terms of each character after their name? That's the description of each respective character from the opening dialogue. Now, Zok, Igoo, and the upcoming duo of Gloop and Gleep have pretty good ones, right? For instance, you know what's up with Igoo before the show's even started, because the announcer-man tells you that he is, quite literally, a "giant rock ape." You could be blind and still get the general idea of what he looked like.
So reader, my question is this: why is Tundro just "tremendous?" If I was a blind fan of Herculoids and had no one to describe this character to me, I would be totally lost every time a major plot point involving Tundro happened (if this show has what can be considered a "plot"). All I would know is that he's probably big and probably strong. Both of these sentiments would be accurate, but I would have absolutely no idea that he is a 10-legged armored rhino that can shoot energy balls from his horn; who spins his head super-fast so he can drill into the sides of mountains and shit. I mean, come on, he's pretty awesome, if not totally ridiculous.
You know, maybe it's better that they don't tell you Tundro's powers or describe him in any way in the introduction. Going back to the "blind Herculoids fan" scenario, I would probably turn my television off and shoot myself in the head if I heard an accurate description of this character.
And no, I have no idea why a blind person would own a gun.

Gloop and Gleep (the "formless, fearless wonders")
Perhaps the most famous of this motley crew, Gloop and Gleep were a pair of amorphous blobs that could assume nearly any form, split into mini multiples of themselves, and talk in a language that consisted of them saying "DI DI DI DI DI DI DI" in annoyingly high-pitched voices back and forth to each other. It has always been assumed that Gloop is the parent to the adolescent Gleep, and it sort of shows. Gloop always seems to know what's up, while Gleep seems...well...sort of retarded.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Herculoids. Three humans and five superpowered creature-things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I suggest you check it out sometime.*

*After writing this, I have absolutely no idea why I was such a huge fan of this show as a child. Maybe I was secretly being fed crack, and this just made my high that much better. Maybe...

No comments: