Monday, July 27, 2009

The top five best Pokemon (out of the original 150)

When I was a kid, there were three things I cared about: Star Wars, Capri Suns, and Pokemon. And to be completely frank, there was somewhere I was going with this semi-anecdotal bit of information, but I can't seem to recall what it is at this moment in time. Ah well, it doesn't really matter anyways. Not like many of you care. On with the list.

5) Scyther
The teeth. The wings. The "hands." Scyther is one badass motherfucker. Look at that shit-eating grin/scowl on that mug up there. He knows he's awesome. He knows he could slice you apart with a flick of his...arm. And that's what makes him so goddamn cool.
Besides, how could a Pokemon with GIANT KNIVES FOR HANDS not at least be considered when making this list? Not to mention the fact that he's based off of a Praying Mantis (just with a dinosaur-like head), a bug who, after the females mate with the males, BITE THE HEAD off of the dude she just fucked. Oh, and they eat their children. It's more common than you know. It's actually amazing they haven't died out yet.
Anyways, it may be number five on this list, but assuming that it has anything in common with its real-life counterpart, it's number one on the "most brutal Pokemon ever." Definitely.
Oh, and according to Ash's Pokedex in episode 042, Scyther is "enraged by the color red." So he's easily angered by trivial things? Man, he's one bottle of Scotch away from being an American.

4) Eevee
There are three reasons Eevee is on this list (in order of importance):
I believe those are good enough reasons. Next!

3) Farfetch'dAny non-legendary Pokemon that can convince the better part of people in the Pokeverse that it doesn't exist is definitely incredible. And to be named after a word meaning "unbelievable?" Even better.
One of the Pokedex entries in a semi-recent episode of the show had this to say:
Farfetch'd, the Wild Duck Pokémon. Using the green onion that it holds like a sword, Farfetch'd can slice through a variety of objects.
Wait, what? A green onion? Cutting through things? Can...can Farfetch'd change the motherfucking PHYSICAL PROPERTIES of things? If not, would you care to explain how he can swipe through ANYTHING with his green onion baton? Have you ever tried cutting through a tree with a green onion? It isn't easy. Some would say it's impossible. But Farfetch'd can do it, and he does it well.
I challenge any reader of this blog to get a green onion (or a leek) and try cutting ANYTHING with it. It won't fucking happen. You are not a Farfetch'd.
Besides that, his name is the only one to contain an apostrophe. That's just neat.
Watch this video and laugh your ass off:

2) Dragonite
How many Pokemon would scare you if you met them in person? 20? 30? 50? How many Pokemon would you hug the shit out of if you met them in person? More? How many can you say would scare you, but in the cutest way possible?
One. Dragonite. This cute ass would crush you if you looked at it the wrong way, but still manages to be in the top ten most aesthetically pleasing Pokemon ever. And according to his Pokedex entry, he flies super fucking fast. Faster than anything. Awesome!
You just want to shrink him down and take him everywhere, don't you? Awwwww.

1) Meowth
You may be asking yourself why Meowth is my choice for the best Pokemon (out of the top 150). He's pretty average-looking. Not powerful. And to top it off, his evolved form is actually pretty cool.
So why is he number one? Because if you were anything like me as a kid, you became sick and fucking tired of "pika-this" and "char-that," and needed a motherfucking talking Pokemon to break up the monotony. Sure, he got sorta annoying. Sure, he was "the enemy." But at least he talked. I got fucking sick of Ash, Misty, and Brock all acting like they could understand what a barrage of "pikapikapikapika" (with hand signs!) meant. Sure, it looked cute for about four seconds, but then it just made me want to punt a Togepi. And that is why he will always be number one.

Expect the "top five worst Pokemon" post tomorrow evening. It'll probably be funnier.


FolkPunk said...

Hell yes!

BriannaWebb said...

love the list
totally agree with number one. i couldnt stand having to decifer what the hell the other pokemon where ''talking about''. so much respect for that cat.

love it. made my day.