Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Top five worst Pokemon (out of the original 150)

Blah blah blah anecdote, my childhood, blah blah blah. I'm getting too old for this. On with the list!

5) WartortleIn order to explain how I feel about Wartortle, I would like to show the transcript of what I believe was the conversation between the people designing the Pokemon back in 1994:
Designer #1 (D1): Okay, we need the middle form of the Squirtle/Blastoise evolution chain.
Designer #2 (D2): Hmm, any ideas?
D1: Well, we could just give Squirtle a weird, wavecrest-like tail, make him look angry (for no apparent reason), color him a darker shade of blue, and put weird things on the side of his head that look like the wings on the sandals of the Greek god Mercury?
D2: ...that's...absolutely...BRILLIANT. What will we name such a creature?
D1: Well, we'd have to incorporate an allusion to "turtle" in there...he looks kinda angry...anger...despair...death...
WAR. Warturtle?
D2: No, we can't say "turtle." Mother Nature might sue us.
D1: War...tortise? No...
(Both look at each other frantically)
D1 & D2: WAR...TORTLE!!!
D2: I can smell the pussy train a' comin'!
D1: Damn straight! We gonna get all kinds of Japanese poon from ripping off Mother Nature like this!
D2: Hell yeah!
D1: Fuck yes!
Man, what a great fucking idea. The tagline for a Wartortle movie would read:
Wartortle: The Retard's Squirtle
What a d-bag. I'd shoot him in the face with a brick-launcher if I ever saw him.

4) Exeggcute
For some reason, before doing research for this list, I had forgotten Eggsecute existed. And now that I realize this, I wished I hadn't remembered.
What the fuck is this shit? Six egg-like creatures that communicate psychically? Seriously? That was the best they could come up with? Take more LSD, guys. Come on.
Since Exeggcute apparently made the list of 150 originals, and it absolutely sucks, I'd hate to see the list of the Pokemon that didn't make it. Like...like...Puzzlor!("Puzzlor" is copyrighted and trademarked by T. Walters Inc. and all of its subsidiaries. 2009)

3) JynxJynx is more of a cop-out than any Pokemon on this list. Hey racists! Let's make a cartoonish black woman that dresses like a weird, wizard-y prostitute, give her exaggerated lips and a blonde wig, and try to pass it off as a new creature! You know, one that you can pit against other creatures! One that will bend to your will and listen to you no matter what!
That's called slavery, kids.

2) Zubat

Again, a cop-out. An eyeless bat? Brilliance! But that's not why Zubat makes this list.
Zubat is on here because in every single game (newer generations included), he FUCKED YOUR SHIT UP in any cave. Every five fucking steps you took, there was a Zubat. Even worse, their high agility made them ALWAYS ATTACK FIRST, and every single fucking Zubat seemed to know three moves:

Poison Fang
(which poisioned you)

Confuse Ray (which confused you)

Leech Life (which drained your health)

Like I said, he FUCKED YOUR SHIT UP. Any way you left that battle, you were screwed. Even worse, if you didn't stock up on Paralyze and Poison Heals, your first space Pokemon ended up getting assraped by a herd of wild, blue and purple blind bats. Shit sucked. A lot.

1) Metapod
Metapod is a joke. This little turd cost me so many trainer battles when I was a kid. Let me explain:
In order to make him evolve, I'd have him at the front of my party, then my first move would be to switch him out for a more powerful Pokemon; giving both Pokemon equal experience (and allowing Metapod to do what he did best: nothing).
I'd only do this in wild Pokemon battles, since trainers in the beginning of the game (where Metapod/Caterpie was usually found) usually raped face when given a single-move advantage like when you do the swap-out.
But every so often, I'd forget he was at the front of my party, and he'd either be killed or cause another member of my party to be killed (or both). I hated it. I hated him.
And for those of you who say "WELL TY, THERE IS KAKUNA. THEY ARE BASICALLY THE SAME. DURR," you need to shut your whore mouth right this second. First of all, Kakuna at least look cool, unlike the green piece of shit that is Metapod:Second, Kakuna evolves into Beedrill, a GIANT, BIPEDAL BEE with DRILLS for HANDS:
What do you get after Metapod evolves? This little faggoty number:
That, my dear readers, is why Metapod BLOWS.

Shut up and wait another 40 days for me to publish something mildly interesting and/or funny. Bow down and beg, bitches.


Anonymous said...

Magikarp was worse than Metapod. At least Metapod knew tackle if you trained it from Caterpie, and evolved way earlier. Magikarp didn't evolve until level 21 and the first time you played blue version you stupidly bought that Magikarp from that guy for 5000 Poke-dollars.

Hollie said...

this made me laugh so bad.

Anonymous said...

1. Butterfree rocks.

2. Zubat is WAY worse than Metapod.

Joe said...

Has anyone ever actually purposely caught a Zubat?