Monday, July 19, 2010

The Greatest Movie Ever Made.

In cinema, there are many movies experts consider to be "the greatest." Some say it's The Shawshank Redemption. Some say it's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. I, however, believe something different. Made in 1997, directed by one of the best directors ever, and starring the first and second greatest actors of all time, Face/Off is my choice for the coveted title of "THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE, OR THAT WILL BE MADE, EVER."
Have you ever seen this movie the entire way through without taking a break? No you haven't, because the last guy that tried it had his eyeballs turned into testicles by the sheer amounts of testosterone emanating from his television screen. And that was just during the opening credits. This movie is so awesome that one time, when a guy quoted the movie at a dance club, every single speaker in the entire building exploded, deafening everyone within a two-block radius. Permanently.
It's so awesome, that I can only write this article in bite-sized nuggets, because if you were to read all of this at once, your dog would inexplicably begin to hate you and all of your friends. So for the first time ever, compiled in one place, are...


1. During theatrical screenings, men and women alike had to wear specially-made tire-rubber brassieres to prevent their hardened nipples from tearing through their t-shirts.

2. Three-hour intermissions were allotted every fifteen minutes during these screenings as well, because so many people soiled their undergarments every time either of the stars came on screen. And no, I'm not referring to feces.

3. When the Academy of Arts and Sciences was voting for the 1997 Oscars, Face/Off was immediately disqualified because three members vomited blood and pieces of lung during private screenings. One of them died. It was then deemed "too awesome to even consider for anything other than sound editing," an award it later lost to Titanic. And we all know how bad Titanic sucks. And that's how I just proved that the Oscars are rigged.

4. The last 4/5 of the director commentary on the DVD consists of John Woo screaming violently as if he is being beaten within an inch of his life by a crowbar-wielding Nicolas Cage. That's because it's precisely what's happening. Woo claimed that Cage "may have over-acted a bit" during one of the opening scenes, only to have Cage sprint from three counties over to deliver a beatdown. No word on how he heard Woo from that far away, but scientists are working on it (see "Nic Cage Bat-Ear Theory").
Note: The gurgling noise combined with groaning you hear during the credits is just Woo lying on the ground, choking on a combination of teeth, skull and jaw fragments, and blood. He survived and made Paycheck, the second-greatest film of all time.

5. If you are a gay man, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Every single time a homosexual male watches this movie, John Travolta's neck grows another centimeter in diameter. No one knows why.

6. Every single person on the planet owns this movie on DVD. Some don't even own DVD players, or even televisions. Some don't even know they own it. But everyone does.

7. Travolta and Cage actually had their faces switched during filming.This accounted for $70 million of the film's $80 million budget. The other $10 million was spent on cans of gasoline, explosives, real guns, live ammo and speedboats.

8. During the attempted recordings of voices for dubbing this movie in other languages, sixteen people from various countries died. Turns out their bodies couldn't handle the pressure of being put into Cage or Travolta's shoes.

9. There isn't a novelization of this movie, because every time someone tried typing the story out, their computer would suddenly burst into flames when they got to the notorious speed boat-chase scene.
That being said, John Woo also had to engrave the entire script out onto stone tablets. By hand. For every actor and every person that worked on the film (even the catering staff).

10. Men: If you put the orchestral soundtrack of this movie on while attempting to make moves on a lady, her clothes will instantly evaporate off of her body and she will suddenly find you sexually irresistible. But be wary, because if a woman does the same to a man, his penis will instantly explode and kill the both of you (caused, of course, from the instantaneous flow of blood to his shaft; because a woman knowing how awesome Face/Off is will literally blow your dick off).

If this completely factual essay has not made you want to sprint (not run) to your DVD collection and have your mind blown for the thousanth time by its awesomeness, I'm not doing my job and deserve nothing more than to slit my wrists with the sharpened edge of my own DVD copy.


T. Walters said...

Love that the release date on the movie poster is just "SUMMER." As if you're supposed to show up to the theater sometime and request a ticket. Goddamn.

Anonymous said...

Someones been reading a little too much of

T. Walters said...

Strangely enough, I've never actually been there. After investigating, I know the layman probably won't believe me, but it's true.

Anonymous said...

makes no damn sense.. leave your room kid

T. Walters said...

I'll bet you feel so cool.

The K Spot said...

I laughed. I cried. I adored it. Great job.

The K Spot said...

Original, funny....loved the piece.