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I've moved!

2011-01-23T14:12:00.005-07:00

Hello, readers. My stat counter informs me that I still have a steady stream of visitors to this site, so I'd like to take the time to point you all in the direction of my new blog:

Click here to go to Tales from the Gypped!

Rather than be about entertainment, this one is a sort of autobiography in-the-making. Each post is a bite-sized story about a specific event that has happened to me (think Augusten Burroughs), with a new one posted every Wednesday and every Sunday. I've got a lot of things planned, so be sure to bookmark it if you're a fan of my writings on here.

I also have a project I'm undertaking, in which I watch every single film Nicolas Cage has been in over the course of a year, named Cages Through the Ages. Click here to go there.

Thanks for reading, everybody.

From the Vaults of ETTM: Biker Mice From Mars

2010-09-22T09:06:00.001-07:00

I wrote this over a year ago (7/5/09, according to Blogger), but never published it for some reason. It was literally exactly like this, minus an updated ending. Strange that I didn't like it, because I used to love this show. Anyways, here are some lost ETTM archives!

In the late 80's and early 90's, every single children's programming company on the planet tried to match the commercial success of the ever-popular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise. Numerous companies tried (lookin' at you, Street Sharks), but only one succeeded (partially). This is it's story.

DUN DUNN.

Biker Mice From Mars
According to this show, which ran 65 episodes between 1993 and 1996, a race of mice-people live on Mars that enjoy leather vests, big shiny guns, and motorcycles. Their home planet (yeah, Mars) is taken over by another alien race called the Plutakians who apparently smell really bad. These Plutakians wipe out the entire "biker mice" race (which doesn't have a witty name, surprisingly) minus three, named Throttle, Vinnie, and Modo (respectively).
I'm not making this up.
Anyways, these three mice-people crash land a ship in Chicago, and some crazy, fucked up shit goes down that basically adds a non-lesbian female mechanic (apparently they exist) named "Charley" to their ranks (seriously though, not a lesbian). Then some Plutakian dude shows up and tries to kill them all, and his name is Lawrence Limburger. Even better, he's a fat, 1930's gangster-type fellow whose stupid plans are always foiled by the Biker Mice at the end of every episode.
Again, I assure you that this is all fact.
Even better, I forgot to mention that the giant mice-people are all three cyborgs, and were all three apparently damaged in various ways during the same disaster (which the show never explained).
Even better, one of the "standout quotes" from the show (according to someone on Wikipedia with way too much time on their hands) was as follows:

"In this wild and woolly universe, there are three things you can count on: your brains, your bros and your bike!"

I think the brilliance of this quote speaks for itself. You have the reference to the fact that the characters are mice ("wild and wooly," though "wooly" is a poor adjective to use when describing mice), the fact that they are brothers ("bros"), and the fact that they ride motorcycles ("bike"). It's an all-encompassing quotation, really.
As a kid, I ate this shit up. Having crack for breakfast every morning probably helped. I mean, look at this fucking intro:

NOTE: You may want to go view it on its YouTube page, the sizing is a bit funny here. God forbid you miss a half-inch of biker mice'd goodness.

Have you ever seen anything more 90's in your life? Listen to that fucking gut-bucket guitar solo wailing through the entire video. And the robot voice at the beginning, reminding you seven times that you are, in fact, watching some fucking Biker Mice From Mars?

Want to know the best thing about the Biker Mice From Mars?

IT'S STILL ON THE AIR (kinda)!!!

In 2006, some British cartoon network got a wild hair up their ass and decided to start making new episodes of Biker Mice From Mars. It ran for two years before going on hiatus, and promised to make its return eventually. In April of 2010, it aired a few new episodes in the U.K., none of which have made it stateside.
Now, I haven't seen any episodes of the new series, but the general consensus is that it is essentially the same, if not funnier. The Brits seem to love it, but since the show is essentially a caricature of mid-90's American biker culture, it could just be the show that their hipster-types love ironically.

On an interesting side note, while researching this, I noticed that Beverly Hills: 90210 alums Luke Perry and Ian Ziering both have done voice acting for the show. What sort of weird coincidence is that?

The Greatest Movie Ever Made.

2010-07-19T00:43:00.001-07:00

In cinema, there are many movies experts consider to be "the greatest." Some say it's The Shawshank Redemption. Some say it's The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. I, however, believe something different. Made in 1997, directed by one of the best directors ever, and starring the first and second greatest actors of all time, Face/Off is my choice for the coveted title of "THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE, OR THAT WILL BE MADE, EVER."

Have you ever seen this movie the entire way through without taking a break? No you haven't, because the last guy that tried it had his eyeballs turned into testicles by the sheer amounts of testosterone emanating from his television screen. And that was just during the opening credits. This movie is so awesome that one time, when a guy quoted the movie at a dance club, every single speaker in the entire building exploded, deafening everyone within a two-block radius. Permanently.
It's so awesome, that I can only write this article in bite-sized nuggets, because if you were to read all of this at once, your dog would inexplicably begin to hate you and all of your friends. So for the first time ever, compiled in one place, are...

THE COMPLETE FACTS OF FACE/OFF.

1. During theatrical screenings, men and women alike had to wear specially-made tire-rubber brassieres to prevent their hardened nipples from tearing through their t-shirts.

2. Three-hour intermissions were allotted every fifteen minutes during these screenings as well, because so many people soiled their undergarments every time either of the stars came on screen. And no, I'm not referring to feces.

3. When the Academy of Arts and Sciences was voting for the 1997 Oscars, Face/Off was immediately disqualified because three members vomited blood and pieces of lung during private screenings. One of them died. It was then deemed "too awesome to even consider for anything other than sound editing," an award it later lost to Titanic. And we all know how bad Titanic sucks. And that's how I just proved that the Oscars are rigged.

4. The last 4/5 of the director commentary on the DVD consists of John Woo screaming violently as if he is being beaten within an inch of his life by a crowbar-wielding Nicolas Cage. That's because it's precisely what's happening. Woo claimed that Cage "may have over-acted a bit" during one of the opening scenes, only to have Cage sprint from three counties over to deliver a beatdown. No word on how he heard Woo from that far away, but scientists are working on it (see "Nic Cage Bat-Ear Theory").
Note: The gurgling noise combined with groaning you hear during the credits is just Woo lying on the ground, choking on a combination of teeth, skull and jaw fragments, and blood. He survived and made Paycheck, the second-greatest film of all time.

5. If you are a gay man, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Every single time a homosexual male watches this movie, John Travolta's neck grows another centimeter in diameter. No one knows why.

6. Every single person on the planet owns this movie on DVD. Some don't even own DVD players, or even televisions. Some don't even know they own it. But everyone does.

7. Travolta and Cage actually had their faces switched during filming.This accounted for $70 million of the film's $80 million budget. The other $10 million was spent on cans of gasoline, explosives, real guns, live ammo and speedboats.

8. During the attempted recordings of voices for dubbing this movie in other languages, sixteen people from various countries died. Turns out their bodies couldn't handle the pressure of being put into Cage or Travolta's shoes.

9. There isn't a novelization of this movie, because every time someone tried typing the story out, their computer would suddenly burst into flames when they got to the notorious speed boat-chase scene.
That being said, John Woo also had to engrave the entire script out onto stone tablets. By hand. For every actor and every person that worked on the film (even the catering staff).

10. Men: If you put the orchestral soundtrack of this movie on while attempting to make moves on a lady, her clothes will instantly evaporate off of her body and she will suddenly find you sexually irresistible. But be wary, because if a woman does the same to a man, his penis will instantly explode and kill the both of you (caused, of course, from the instantaneous flow of blood to his shaft; because a woman knowing how awesome Face/Off is will literally blow your dick off).

If this completely factual essay has not made you want to sprint (not run) to your DVD collection and have your mind blown for the thousanth time by its awesomeness, I'm not doing my job and deserve nothing more than to slit my wrists with the sharpened edge of my own DVD copy.

The top five worst videogame controllers ever.

2010-05-17T23:17:00.002-07:00

I'm back after nine months. Woo.
And since apparently all I can do is write top five lists that four people will understand, I'm going to go ahead and write a top five list that four people will understand. Enjoy!

#5: NES

Before the comfortability (yeah, I made that up) of a controller could be considered a major selling point in the then-nonexistent console wars, a little Japanese company named Nintendo that made arcade cabinets decided to unleash their version of a home videogame system onto North American shores in 1985. In the years after its arrival, the reported cases of carpal tunnel syndrome went up by nearly 70%.
I completely made that up, but my point is that the NES controller sucked. Sure, some of the greatest games of all time were played using this little fucker here, but your hands HATED you after the 67th straight hour of Super Mario Bros. There were just so many design flaws. Something as indistinct as human hands were not meant to hold something as distinct as a rectangle; plain and simple. It just didn't work. Luckily, they kinda, sorta, maybe fixed this with the SNES. Or rather, they just sorta added circles to the lower corners. Either way, it was a massive fucking improvement.

#4: AtariOkay, I understand that this was one of the first systems and all, but seriously? A joystick and a SINGLE button? Now we have controllers with sixteen buttons and four joysticks, and even that isn't enough. Granted, you didn't really have a lot of action in those early games, but still. I'd at least half-expect the addition of some shoulder buttons or something. You know, to...shoot things with? Pixel-y things, like that blob that sorta looks like an alligator. Or that blob that looks kinda like Danny DeVito. You know, things that you'd shoot if they were coming at you at a rate of 3 PPS (pixels per second).

#3: ColecoVision

I'm going to let a hypothetical father/son conversation express my feelings for this particular controller.

Father: "What the fuck is this shit? A calculator?"
Son: "No, dad. That's the controller for my ColecoVision. It's a video ga-"
Father: "What kind of faggot game wants you to add? Are queers makin' games?"
Son: "No, you use the contr-"
Father: "Are you a queer, boy?"
Son: "No, dad."
Father: "Damn straight you ain't." *takes a swig of beer* If I ever find you fuckin' another boy I'll skin you both and make shoes outta ya. You keep that shit in the fuckin' Navy. Remember that.
Mother: *muffled sobbing heard from the bedroom*

#2: XBOX (1st generation)

I'm not quite sure who they had act as a stand-in for the average human hand when they made this controller (because, you know, that's how controllers are designed), but he/she must have had some fucking massive He-Man hands or something. Have you seen how dwarfed hands are when holding this thing? It's as big as a Caddy's steering wheel.
I'm (hardly) exaggerating, but you get the idea. They fixed it with the second generation, released under a year later (assumedly because peoples' hands didn't mutate like Microsoft wanted them to), and perfected it with the XBOX 360's controller; but hardcore HALO fans will always remember their severe forms of Carpal Tunnel they developed after 17-hour playing sessions.

#1: DreamCastIf aliens someday come to Earth long after the physical remnants of the wiped-out human race have deteriorated, and use old, still-existing plastic items in an attempt to imagine what humans once looked like, they are totally fucked if they find a DreamCast controller.
What sick, twisted human being designed this insane piece of absolute mindfucked-ness? How the fuck are you supposed to hold this? Are we supposed to disjoint our thumbs in order to do something as simple as hit the start button? Why does it have a port for a memory card with a screen? Why is the cord coming out of the bottom?
The only way this could be more uncomfortable is if a giant, shaky robotic hand came out of the bottom and forcefully jacked you off while you played Jet Set Radio Future. Sans lube. No wonder this system failed so miserably. Great job, Sega.

Top five worst Pokemon (out of the original 150)

2009-07-28T23:24:00.003-07:00

Blah blah blah anecdote, my childhood, blah blah blah. I'm getting too old for this. On with the list!

5) WartortleIn order to explain how I feel about Wartortle, I would like to show the transcript of what I believe was the conversation between the people designing the Pokemon back in 1994:

Designer #1 (D1): Okay, we need the middle form of the Squirtle/Blastoise evolution chain.
Designer #2 (D2): Hmm, any ideas?
D1: Well, we could just give Squirtle a weird, wavecrest-like tail, make him look angry (for no apparent reason), color him a darker shade of blue, and put weird things on the side of his head that look like the wings on the sandals of the Greek god Mercury?
D2: ...that's...absolutely...BRILLIANT. What will we name such a creature?
D1: Well, we'd have to incorporate an allusion to "turtle" in there...he looks kinda angry...anger...despair...death...
WAR. Warturtle?
D2: No, we can't say "turtle." Mother Nature might sue us.
D1: War...tortise? No...
(Both look at each other frantically)
D1 & D2: WAR...TORTLE!!!
D2: I can smell the pussy train a' comin'!
D1: Damn straight! We gonna get all kinds of Japanese poon from ripping off Mother Nature like this!
D2: Hell yeah!
D1: Fuck yes!

Man, what a great fucking idea. The tagline for a Wartortle movie would read:

Wartortle: The Retard's Squirtle

What a d-bag. I'd shoot him in the face with a brick-launcher if I ever saw him.

4) Exeggcute
For some reason, before doing research for this list, I had forgotten Eggsecute existed. And now that I realize this, I wished I hadn't remembered.
What the fuck is this shit? Six egg-like creatures that communicate psychically? Seriously? That was the best they could come up with? Take more LSD, guys. Come on.
Since Exeggcute apparently made the list of 150 originals, and it absolutely sucks, I'd hate to see the list of the Pokemon that didn't make it. Like...like...Puzzlor!("Puzzlor" is copyrighted and trademarked by T. Walters Inc. and all of its subsidiaries. 2009)

3) JynxJynx is more of a cop-out than any Pokemon on this list. Hey racists! Let's make a cartoonish black woman that dresses like a weird, wizard-y prostitute, give her exaggerated lips and a blonde wig, and try to pass it off as a new creature! You know, one that you can pit against other creatures! One that will bend to your will and listen to you no matter what!
That's called slavery, kids.

2) Zubat
Again, a cop-out. An eyeless bat? Brilliance! But that's not why Zubat makes this list.
Zubat is on here because in every single game (newer generations included), he FUCKED YOUR SHIT UP in any cave. Every five fucking steps you took, there was a Zubat. Even worse, their high agility made them ALWAYS ATTACK FIRST, and every single fucking Zubat seemed to know three moves:

Poison Fang (which poisioned you)

Confuse Ray (which confused you)

Leech Life (which drained your health)

Like I said, he FUCKED YOUR SHIT UP. Any way you left that battle, you were screwed. Even worse, if you didn't stock up on Paralyze and Poison Heals, your first space Pokemon ended up getting assraped by a herd of wild, blue and purple blind bats. Shit sucked. A lot.

1) Metapod
Metapod is a joke. This little turd cost me so many trainer battles when I was a kid. Let me explain:
In order to make him evolve, I'd have him at the front of my party, then my first move would be to switch him out for a more powerful Pokemon; giving both Pokemon equal experience (and allowing Metapod to do what he did best: nothing).
I'd only do this in wild Pokemon battles, since trainers in the beginning of the game (where Metapod/Caterpie was usually found) usually raped face when given a single-move advantage like when you do the swap-out.
But every so often, I'd forget he was at the front of my party, and he'd either be killed or cause another member of my party to be killed (or both). I hated it. I hated him.
And for those of you who say "WELL TY, THERE IS KAKUNA. THEY ARE BASICALLY THE SAME. DURR," you need to shut your whore mouth right this second. First of all, Kakuna at least look cool, unlike the green piece of shit that is Metapod:Second, Kakuna evolves into Beedrill, a GIANT, BIPEDAL BEE with DRILLS for HANDS:
What do you get after Metapod evolves? This little faggoty number:
That, my dear readers, is why Metapod BLOWS.

Shut up and wait another 40 days for me to publish something mildly interesting and/or funny. Bow down and beg, bitches.

The top five best Pokemon (out of the original 150)

2009-07-27T23:59:00.001-07:00

When I was a kid, there were three things I cared about: Star Wars, Capri Suns, and Pokemon. And to be completely frank, there was somewhere I was going with this semi-anecdotal bit of information, but I can't seem to recall what it is at this moment in time. Ah well, it doesn't really matter anyways. Not like many of you care. On with the list.

5) Scyther
The teeth. The wings. The "hands." Scyther is one badass motherfucker. Look at that shit-eating grin/scowl on that mug up there. He knows he's awesome. He knows he could slice you apart with a flick of his...arm. And that's what makes him so goddamn cool.
Besides, how could a Pokemon with GIANT KNIVES FOR HANDS not at least be considered when making this list? Not to mention the fact that he's based off of a Praying Mantis (just with a dinosaur-like head), a bug who, after the females mate with the males, BITE THE HEAD off of the dude she just fucked. Oh, and they eat their children. It's more common than you know. It's actually amazing they haven't died out yet.
Anyways, it may be number five on this list, but assuming that it has anything in common with its real-life counterpart, it's number one on the "most brutal Pokemon ever." Definitely.
Oh, and according to Ash's Pokedex in episode 042, Scyther is "enraged by the color red." So he's easily angered by trivial things? Man, he's one bottle of Scotch away from being an American.

4) Eevee
There are three reasons Eevee is on this list (in order of importance):
I believe those are good enough reasons. Next!

3) Farfetch'dAny non-legendary Pokemon that can convince the better part of people in the Pokeverse that it doesn't exist is definitely incredible. And to be named after a word meaning "unbelievable?" Even better.
One of the Pokedex entries in a semi-recent episode of the show had this to say:

Farfetch'd, the Wild Duck Pokémon. Using the green onion that it holds like a sword, Farfetch'd can slice through a variety of objects.

Wait, what? A green onion? Cutting through things? Can...can Farfetch'd change the motherfucking PHYSICAL PROPERTIES of things? If not, would you care to explain how he can swipe through ANYTHING with his green onion baton? Have you ever tried cutting through a tree with a green onion? It isn't easy. Some would say it's impossible. But Farfetch'd can do it, and he does it well.
I challenge any reader of this blog to get a green onion (or a leek) and try cutting ANYTHING with it. It won't fucking happen. You are not a Farfetch'd.
Besides that, his name is the only one to contain an apostrophe. That's just neat.
Bonus!
Watch this video and laugh your ass off:

2) Dragonite
How many Pokemon would scare you if you met them in person? 20? 30? 50? How many Pokemon would you hug the shit out of if you met them in person? More? How many can you say would scare you, but in the cutest way possible?
One. Dragonite. This cute ass would crush you if you looked at it the wrong way, but still manages to be in the top ten most aesthetically pleasing Pokemon ever. And according to his Pokedex entry, he flies super fucking fast. Faster than anything. Awesome!
You just want to shrink him down and take him everywhere, don't you? Awwwww.

1) Meowth
You may be asking yourself why Meowth is my choice for the best Pokemon (out of the top 150). He's pretty average-looking. Not powerful. And to top it off, his evolved form is actually pretty cool.
So why is he number one? Because if you were anything like me as a kid, you became sick and fucking tired of "pika-this" and "char-that," and needed a motherfucking talking Pokemon to break up the monotony. Sure, he got sorta annoying. Sure, he was "the enemy." But at least he talked. I got fucking sick of Ash, Misty, and Brock all acting like they could understand what a barrage of "pikapikapikapika" (with hand signs!) meant. Sure, it looked cute for about four seconds, but then it just made me want to punt a Togepi. And that is why he will always be number one.

Expect the "top five worst Pokemon" post tomorrow evening. It'll probably be funnier.

Goosebumps

2009-06-01T16:43:00.002-07:00

Growing up, I read a lot. I knew how to hold a book right side up by the time I was three, and was reading chapter books by the time I was four. There was something about being thrown into a different world that I found fascinating, and it has stuck with me until this day.

My favorites were the series of books by R.L. Stine, the ever-infamous Goosebumps series. Sort of a "Stephen King Lite," they mixed humor with horror, and inspired me to write similar short stories when I was a kid (including one that involved a book on strange foliage from the library sprouting a killer plant when turned to a specific page, told from the point of view of the detective working the case). He was originally my inspiration to become a writer, I guess you could say. Of course, I didn't plan on releasing an ungodly amount of books upon the world so that hundreds of copies could litter the shelves at used bookstores for decades to come, but you know what I mean.
There were 67 of these books in the original series, and I managed to read around 45 of them between the ages of 8 and 13, and...what's that, reader? You feel something coming up? A feeling that feels so familiar, yet you can't quite put your finger on? I think I know what it is. Yep, it's:

I'll bet you thought I was going to make a lame joke about getting goosebumps while reading this post on Goosebumps, didn't you? No reader, I am far more sophisticated than that. So sophisticated that I spend about 45 seconds making that banner you see up there. Impressed? You should be.

Anyways, on with the list (which only includes books from the original 67 books, none from Series 2000 or any of the other spinoffs):

#5: The Barking Ghost (#32)

See that dog up there? The white, snarling one with the red eyes? That motherfucker gave me nightmares when I was young. My bed as a child was next to a window, and two of those snarling, ghost-hounds would crash through that window every night in the world inside my head. I'd wake up in cold sweats in the wee hours of the night because of it. I actually specifically remember an instance in which I had convinced myself so strongly that one of the dogs was in my room and under my bed, that I had started trembling. Mistaking my trembling for the bed's, I screamed and hollered until my grandpa came into the room and calmed me down. There was, of course, nothing under my bed, and I remained completely intact throughout the night (though I did become a stereotype for children everywhere).
The funny part is, the content of the book had nothing to do with it. The book itself was a sub-par in comparison to the rest of the Goosebumps back catalogue, but for some reason it effected me more than most. And despite being sub-par, it was actually really original.

#4: Egg Monsters From Mars (#42)

Egg Monsters From Mars was the perfect book for kids who have lied so many times that their parents never believe them anymore. The kid in the book, Dana, finds these weird green eggs that have monsters inside of them. They are nice to him, but eat some doctor dude by the end of the book. Of course, Dana's parent's don't believe him, because scrambled egg aliens are completely improbable.
As a child, I was a compulsive liar. I was the kind of kid that would make up absolutely insane stories and expect people to believe them, and would pretend to be offended when they didn't (my favorite involved a pet monkey my parents and I used to have named Bobo). So of course, when I would tell a true story, no one would believe me. They'd scoff, zip up their Old Navy windbreakers and make Pokemon out of clay. It made no sense to me then, but it clearly does now.

#3: How I learned to Fly (#52)
This book was one of the ten or so out of the whole series that wasn't necessarily "scary," but instead, just kinda weird. Some kid basically reads a book that teaches him how to fly, and another prick reads it and flies as well, blah blah blah preteen angst and jealousy. It's funny how these books are so easy to relate to as a kid, but for all the wrong reasons. Some twatbag kid down the street stole your glory? How I Learned to Fly is for you.
Just like The Barking Ghost, this one inspired some of my dreams as a kid as well. In one specific instance, I was at school, wearing a SUPER large shirt and nothing else (not even underwear!) and I started floating above all of my classmates, flashing them my pre-pubescent dick. They laughed, and I'm 99% sure I woke up sweating (and possibly crying).
Emotionally scarring stuff, Goosebumps.

#2: One Day at HorrorLand (#16)In what is probably the most ridiculous opening to any book ever, some kids' parents decide to take them to a theme park called HorrorLand. They park their car in the otherwise empty parking lot, and their car FUCKING EXPLODES as they walk away. They run to the ticket booth at the front of HorrorLand, and the FUCKING MONSTER in the ticket booth gives them FREE ADMISSION and claims that there ISN'T A PHONE THERE. They walk inside, where the parents GO LOOK FOR ONE, while LEAVING THEIR KIDS ALONE TO DO WHAT THEY PLEASE IN A PARK NAMED HORRORLAND.
If you didn't find anything wrong with the above paragraph, I've gone back and bolded the absolutely batshit insane parts of it for you. The rest of the book is dedicated to the three kids exploring the park like a bunch of morons that explore semi-deserted theme parks named HorrorLand. A bunch of crazy shit happens, and the kids are reunited with their parents. The family then finds out that they are on a FUCKING TELEVISION SHOW THAT BROADCASTS TO "OVER TWO MILLION" MONSTERS. Then, the dad COMPLAINS ABOUT THE ATTITUDES OF THE EMPLOYEES OF THE PARK AS IF THEY AREN'T MONSTERS ILLEGALLY FILMING THEM, and runs away with everyone behind him.
Oh, and at the end, they FORGET THAT THEIR CAR EXPLODED and STEAL A BUS.
So I've come to a conclusion about this family. Either they are absolutely, certifiably stupid, or R.L. Stine was really hurting for some plot twists. Probably both. Either way, I loved the shit out of it when I was a kid.

#1: Monster Blood II (#18)

While the first, third, and fourth books in the Monster Blood quadrilogy were good, nothing quite beat out the second one, in my opinion. As the first book says, monster blood is a goo that makes whatever eats it grow in size. In the first book, it was the protagonist Evan's dog, Trigger. In this book, it's a hamster in Evan's class. Some douche of a girl feeds the hamster monster blood in the first half of the book, and the other parts are all about Evan trying to keep it under control. Like I said above, the adults in the Goosebumps universe were always stupid, small-minded people that never believed a word any of the kids in the books said, so Evan keeping this giant hamster a secret from his teacher was no problem (until the end, that is). In fact, while the hamster was the size of a small dog, I specifically remember Evan's teacher claiming that it was "overfed." Yeah, moron, the hamster was overfed...WITH MONSTER BLOOD.
Anyways, when I was ten, reading a book in which a cute, cuddly hamster (creatively named "Cuddles") turns into a snarling, dog-sized beast absolutely blew my mind. Even better, when Cuddles continues to grow, Evan decides that it would be a great idea to eat some monster blood himself and fight with the ten foot tall rodent. And yeah, it happens. And the hamster wins, kinda.
I can still hear the synapses in my brain popping and fizzing. I'm pretty sure I sustained pretty serious brain damage after reading that as a kid.

Play him off, keyboard cat: The best thing to happen to YouTube...EVER

2009-05-11T16:21:00.005-07:00

Over the last few months, a new craze has hit YouTube. It's a meme called "Play him off, keyboard cat," and is one of the funniest things I think I have ever seen. I'm not even going to try and explain this:
Do you like my "wacky" font used to illustrate the "wackiness" of these videos? I thought it fit nicely.

5) MythBusters!

Jamie just stands there and giggles as Adam makes an ass out of himself (as usual).

4)America's Got Talent!

What a fucking moron. On national TV and in front of David Hasselhoff, no less.

3) Indy car Vs. deer!

Ouch. I'm not one for animal cruelty, but that was funny as shit.

2) Soccer kid with rap music!

That kid's dad is a fucking creep.

1) Spider-Man at a Mexican birthday party!

I think I just shit my pants laughing.

And no, I don't consider this a "real post." Real content tomorrow, I promise.

Is this the age of superheroes?

2009-04-29T12:49:00.002-07:00

Something is happening to the world. And no, I don't mean increasing national debt, the swine flu, or any sort of apocalyptic happenings that a street-corner preacher may be trying to shove down your throat.
No, readers. I mean the age of superheroes. It is coming upon us, whether we like it or not. As Charles Xavier would say, there are those that are different in our world. Those who do extraordinary things in the name of justice.
Take Cincinnati's own masked hero Shadowhare for instance:
Shadowhare is the 21 year-old leader of a group of nationwide masked good samaritans who call themselves the "Allegiance of Superheroes," with a roster that includes Aclyptico in Pennsylvania, Wall Creeper in Colorado and Master Legend in Florida. Shadowhare also teamed up with Mr. Extreme (from San Diego) to track down a rapist.
He uses legal weapons such as pepper spray and handcuffs, and is definitely on the right side of the law. He claims to have dislocated his shoulder while preventing a woman from being beat up by a man a few years ago.
And when not fighting crime? He's handing out food to the homeless, or patrolling the streets looking for ne'er do-wells. Sure, he gets some giggles from the police force and citizens, but if I were him, I'd sleep better at night knowing I had made the world a tiny bit better.
But as always with good, there is evil:
Joker wannabe Spencer Taylor was caught stealing memorabilia related to The Dark Knight from a movie theater in Michigan last July. Yes, he was caught and arrested by police at the scene.

All joking aside (no pun intended), I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that since neither has superpowers or high-tech gadgets, he can't be a superhero or villain, right? Well what if I told you that people with abilities could possibly exist? That homo superior may walk amongst us?
Russian girl Natasha Demkina is a good example. In 2004 and 2005, Natasha gained worldwide acclaim for being able to "see" through people's skin to diagnose an ailment. Nicknamed "the girl with the x-ray eyes," she globe-hopped from clinics in England and Japan as they tried to unveil the mystery behind her "ability." She was eventually assumed to be a fraud, after an English scientist compared her "readings" to that of a psychic's ("feeling" and asking questions to lead to correct answers).
Though Natasha may not be truly superpowered, there are many people that have been made famous by being able to do incredible things. Some include:

Kim Peek

"Abilities": Photographic memory, said to have memorized the content of over 12,000 books. Has severe developmental disabilites, yet can read and remember the content of an average book in one hour (on average).
Note: Peek was the basis for Dustin Hoffman's award-winning character of Raymond Babbitt in the 1988 film Rain Man. Go watch it sometime.

Daniel Tammet

"Abilities": A high-functioning autistic savant, Daniel has synesthesia, which allows him to see numbers as colors and shapes. Has recited Pi up to the 22,514th digit (the world record), and can do massive mathematical equations in his head. Is also gay.

Rüdiger Gamm

"Abilities": Can calculate extremely difficult mathematcal equations in seconds.

Stephen Wiltshire

"Abilities": Can draw an entire landscape after seeing it once. He is also autistic.

Jill Price

"Abilities": Can remember exact details of her life down to the date. For instance, if you ask her what happened on November 12, 1980, she would say that it was rainy, and proceed to give you details about that day. She is said to have an extremely severe case of OCD mixed with hyperthymestic syndrome.

With people like these, and the unnamed German boy who has double the muscle mass of children his age, or the average man who lifted three tons and held it for twenty minutes, it's sort of hard to deny that people who live extraordinary lives do exist.
For some fictional research on the subject of ordinary people trying to be extraordinary, I suggest you all watch the movie Special, and read the comic Kick-Ass (which is soon to be a movie).

Marvel Comics: whores to advertising

2009-04-26T03:32:00.001-07:00

First of all, I want to start this post off by saying this: I absolutely love Marvel Comics. Nearly every single one of my favorite heroes is under this brand, save for two that were created by DC (Batman and Shazam!).
But I have an issue with them. Aside from their usually terrible film adaptations of their properties (Daredevil, Elektra, Fantastic Four, Spider-Man 3, X-Men: The Last Stand, etc.), Marvel's marketing department will stop at nothing to assure that anyone with a radio, television, or internet connection knows about their upcoming releases.
Take their partnership with Papa John's pizza, for instance. I'm sure you know that the new Wolverine movie comes out on May 1st, right? Well, Marvel released a pizza to promote it. Yeah, a pizza:

THE XL X-TREME CHEESE PIZZA WITH ONE FULL POUND OF CHEESE WITH TEN SLICES SLICED WITH WOLVERINE'S CLAWS SERVED ON A PLATTER THAT LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE WHEELS OFF OF PROFESSOR X'S WHEELCHAIR MADE WITH BREAD FROM THE YEAST OF STORM'S VAGINA COOKED BY PYRO'S FIRE POWERS DELIVERED BY TOAD DRIVING CYCLOPS' CAR.
But seriously, what? Why would you release this heart-attack waiting to happen upon the world? A full pound of cheese? I wouldn't be able to shit for a month after this fucking thing. But something primal in me wants it; something deep, deep within me knows that a fraction of the $12 (plus tip) I spend on this pizza will go towards making the next Marvel film that much better. And that's how they get you, right there.
Aside from that, the Papa John's pizza homepage has a few other interesting Wolverine-related things on it, including a "microsite" with backgrounds, AIM icons (for the three people that still use AIM), and other needless shit. But my favorite part is the three mini "profiles" you can scroll through; of the three major characters from the movie and their favorite pizzas:

I wonder how many wannabe comic book nerds emailed the Papa John's webmaster claiming that Wolverine's real name isn't James Howlett, but Logan. And I also wonder if the dude designing it knew anything about comic books at all. Ho hum.
But apparently Wolverine's favorite pizza is "the works." I don't know how to take that, because "the works" is usually a term used to describe a car wash (at least, in my world).
If I was the guy that answered the phone when some tool used the term "the works" to specify the toppings that they would like on their pizza, I would personally tug one out right into the center of the pie. "How do you like the way this works, motherfucker?!"

Wow, Sabretooth's favorite pizza is "the meats?" They got really creative with this, didn't they? I can tell they put tons of thought into this. I'll bet they thought "Oh hey, he has sharp teeth and claws. That must make him a carnivore!" Yeah, Papa John's executives, a carnivore. Meaning he'll eat a half-dead DEER CARCASS THAT HE SLAUGHTERED HIMSELF, FUR AND ALL, not your shitty pizza. But hey, if you really were willing to do anything to promote this movie, I guess you'd probably make a pizza with deer carcass on it. So I guess we were saved in that sense.

Why the fuck would Gambit like the "garden fresh" pizza? Last time I checked, he's from Louisiana (New Orleans, to be precise). He'd probably like shrimp and something with the word "cajun" or "gumbo" in it on his pizza, not some faggoty "garden fresh" bullshit. C'mon Papa John's! Stereotype Gambit like you stereotyped Sabertooth!
And did they have to choose a picture where Taylor Kitcsh looks like Sam Rockwell during the choking scene in Choke? Maybe it's the forehead veins.

But this isn't the only time Marvel Comics has done something ridiculous while promoting a movie of theirs. Oh no. There have been numerous times where I personally have slapped my own forehead in disdain for the sake of nerds everywhere. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present: 5) Spider-Man 3: Printed Pringles
This was one of those symbiotic relationships in the advertising world. Marvel wanted to promote Spider-Man 3, and Pringles wanted to promote their new line of chips with printed shit on them. Thing is, that's gross. And the questions were stupid as hell. The one in the above picture reads:

Q: Which villain does Eddie Brock become?
A: Venom, you fucking retarded piece of shit. I'm surprised you can read, seeing as you had such a hard time with such a difficult fucking trivia question like this.

I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.
Point is, the intelligence qualifications for answering these questions fall between the realms of "having a functioning brain stem" and "being able to breathe and blink at the same time." Throw us some hardballs, Pringles! Ask me what Electro's real name is (Maxwell Dillon)! Ask me which superhero is a clone of Peter Parker (Scarlet Spider/Ben Reilly)!
Is it too much to ask to get your marketing team to throw a few questions together after surfing Wikipedia for ten minutes?

4) Iron Man: Slurpee helmet Looking at the above photo, you'd think that 7-11 exclusive Iron Man head-shaped Slurpee cup is pretty neat, right? But looking at it in comparison to the other, not as cool exclusive cups around it, you'd probably wonder why the fuck it's so small. Yeah, a lot of people did that.
But a few weeks after these were released, the helmet/cups started selling on eBay for around $60 apiece (plus shipping). 7-11 stores couldn't keep this shit in stock, since the markup on them on the interwebs was somewhere around 1500% more than the "suggested retail price" of $3.99 (plus tax).
I dunno, the helmet/cup idea seems a little lame to me. Even worse, they had four "collectible straws" with shoddy Iron Man toys glued to them. These were the type of "quality toys" you'd find in an overpriced vending machine outside an ethnic supermarket that a total of four people shop at. You know, the one that never changes the selection of what could minimally pass as a child's plaything? The one that still has toys from The Lion King, despite the fact that it came out in 1994? Yeah, imagine one of those stuck to a fluorescent crazy straw sticking out of Iron Man's armored skull.
Come to think of it, that's sort of awesome. Hm.

3) Hulk: Green Hershey's Syrup Ah, the infamous "green" era. During the theatrical run of the shitty Hulk movie in 2003, everything was green. From Twinkies to credit cards, Marvel had its first captain of the ship that sails the seas of whoring their products out so people will see a terrible movie.
But perhaps the most famous of these products was the green Hershey's Syrup that seemed to stay on shelves for a little longer than it should have. I seemed to see quite a few remaining bottles of this gathering dust at my local Wal-Mart long after Hulk had left theaters; probably because people don't really like to be reminded of giant green pectoral muscles and ripped purple pants while enjoying chocolate milk.

2) Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: The "Search 4 $ilver" In a stunt so fucking dumb it could have only been concieved by the mad scientists at the Franklin Mint (creators of this ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE "SNEAKY DRAGON" SCULPTURE), the above pictured quarter was to be made 40,000 times over and distributed througout the world. The first 400 people to go to the website oh-so-casually painted next to the Silver Surfer were entered into a contest to win a trip to London for the world premiere of the downright terrible second movie in the Fantastic Four film series.
Yes, that's right. You had a 1/40,000 chance of winning this prize. After you pass the threshold of 1/30,000, is there really any point in having something as gimmicky as this? Maybe if the prize was better, I would think differently. But until they release quarters with Megan Fox on them that enters me into a contest where I could potentially fuck her, I'm not interested.

1) X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Charles Barkley
Okay, I admit it, I sort of misled you all into thinking that this top five list was going to have only previously released movies. Well, I only half-lied, since Wolverine has been seen by an estimated 2 million people already.
Anyways, take a look at this commercial that is currently playing during the NBA playoffs on TNT:

Yeah, that shit just happened. Charles fucking Barkley, one of the greatest basketball players of all time, just sprouted adamantium claws (after a Twinkie-related fat joke was made, no less). I watched this, mouth agape, and had to rewind it and watch it again. And again. And again. Kenny Smith's expression makes me want to kick an old woman in the tit while sodomizing an otter with a lima bean.

Bottom line: I hate advertising. So much.

Herculoids: Most well-rounded hero team ever?

2009-04-16T23:57:00.003-07:00

Earlier this evening, I was watching me some 90's Batman on Boomerang (back when Bruce Timm was the genius that produced it), when one of their "commercial replacements" came on in the form of the classic 60's cartoon Herculoids.
For you Hercu-tards out there (yeah, I just made that up), the show revolved around a He-Man-esque hero named Zandor, his wife Tarra, and son Zorno. Oh, and they also had five superpowered creatures follow them around as well. They are as follows:

Zok (the "laser-ray dragon")
Zok is a big green dragon-creature that breathes fire, can fly in space, and oh yeah; can shoot LASERS FROM HIS EYES AND TAIL. He's Zandor's primary form of transportation, and has an obnoxious screeching call to alert everyone in a fifteen mile radius that he's (at the most) fifteen miles away.

Igoo (the "giant rock ape")
"Giant rock ape" sums Igoo up pretty well, I think. But this ape made of rock doesn't have a heart made of stone, as he's apparently always cockblocking Zandor and saving his wife Terra from the crazy shenanigans this bizarre troupe seem to get in. Part of me wonders if his rock cock ever had intercourse with her human pussy. Another part of me can't believe I just typed that out for the world to see.
I wonder what the market for Herculoids porn is like?

Tundro (the "tremendous")
Before I get into the details of Tundro, I'd like to pose a question to you, the reader. You see those descriptive terms of each character after their name? That's the description of each respective character from the opening dialogue. Now, Zok, Igoo, and the upcoming duo of Gloop and Gleep have pretty good ones, right? For instance, you know what's up with Igoo before the show's even started, because the announcer-man tells you that he is, quite literally, a "giant rock ape." You could be blind and still get the general idea of what he looked like.
So reader, my question is this: why is Tundro just "tremendous?" If I was a blind fan of Herculoids and had no one to describe this character to me, I would be totally lost every time a major plot point involving Tundro happened (if this show has what can be considered a "plot"). All I would know is that he's probably big and probably strong. Both of these sentiments would be accurate, but I would have absolutely no idea that he is a 10-legged armored rhino that can shoot energy balls from his horn; who spins his head super-fast so he can drill into the sides of mountains and shit. I mean, come on, he's pretty awesome, if not totally ridiculous.
You know, maybe it's better that they don't tell you Tundro's powers or describe him in any way in the introduction. Going back to the "blind Herculoids fan" scenario, I would probably turn my television off and shoot myself in the head if I heard an accurate description of this character.
And no, I have no idea why a blind person would own a gun.

Gloop and Gleep (the "formless, fearless wonders")
Perhaps the most famous of this motley crew, Gloop and Gleep were a pair of amorphous blobs that could assume nearly any form, split into mini multiples of themselves, and talk in a language that consisted of them saying "DI DI DI DI DI DI DI" in annoyingly high-pitched voices back and forth to each other. It has always been assumed that Gloop is the parent to the adolescent Gleep, and it sort of shows. Gloop always seems to know what's up, while Gleep seems...well...sort of retarded.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Herculoids. Three humans and five superpowered creature-things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I suggest you check it out sometime.*

*After writing this, I have absolutely no idea why I was such a huge fan of this show as a child. Maybe I was secretly being fed crack, and this just made my high that much better. Maybe...

Gaydar!

2009-03-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

I was riding my bike today when a regular customer from my work (Blockbuster) stopped me while he was walking. He's a 30-something gay man that lives with his mother and works at the McDonald's across the street. We've talked a few times, (my favorite conversation being when he rented "27 Dresses" for his mother because she was sick), but nothing too serious. Today though, this is the conversation we had:

Him: Aren't you the guy that works at Blockbuster?
Me: Yeah, sure do.
Him: Oh, you look so different out of your uniform.
Me: I get that a lot, yeah.

*five second pause*

Him: So, are you seeing anybody? Like, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or something?
Me: Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
Him: Oh, it must be nice to work at Blockbuster. I'm sure you two watch a lot of movies.
Me: She definitely abuses that power, yeah.
Him: Well, I'll see you around.
Me: Okay, see you.

Part of me wants to think he was just being nice, but another part of me wants to believe that he wants to be my papa bear or something.

I'm back, bitches.

2009-03-13T00:16:00.002-07:00

That's right. After a two-month hiatus, I'm going to start writing either regularly or semi-regularly. Basically, I promise you all at least five posts a week. It'll be the same way it was, I promise. In fact, I might start an epic, multi-part, autobiographical post about what has happened since we last talked, 0 great blogosphere. It was going to be in a book (you know, the one I mentioned in my last post), but things have gotten a bit hazy with the deal I got from that small publisher. We'll see what happens.

In my absence, I've discovered Twitter (my profile is located here). I added it to the sidebar, so you can peer into my thoughts at any given moment. Thrilling, I know.

I should have a brand new post up in a day at the most. It's a three-part review! Woo!

"Tales from the Gypped"

2009-01-26T17:59:00.002-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, I've had a lot of personal shit going on that has prevented me from writing in any way, shape, form, or fashion.
But do you see that neat little title above this post? That's what my memoir is going to be called. And in my dreams, the picture on the front will be of a zombie losing a card game or something. It'll be a memoir, told in the Augusten Burroughs-like style of a bunch of different unrelated short stories about things that have really happened to me. I have a solid 6 ideas going so far, two of which I've written about already on this blog (the ever-infamous "Flintstones Vitamins" and "Warriors of Virtue" posts). I expect for this to be taking up a lot of my time in the future, so I won't be updating this blog all that often anymore, at least until I either finish writing about all six subjects or get bored with the project.
So, Blogger, I bid thee farewell. Perhaps for a week, perhaps for a month, but definitely for a little while.

I love you.
-Ty "shaky toes" Walters

Mini-movie reviews (#8)

2009-01-15T17:30:00.002-07:00

Pineapple ExpressDirected by David Gordon Green
Starring Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Danny McBride
Released in 2008
Good: Rogen and Franco make an excellent team, and Franco plays what is perhaps one of the best drug-dealing movie characters in history. This movie only gets better after repeat watchings (I originally gave it a 6/10, then re-watched it). The "Rancor" joke at the end was fucking golden, too.
Bad: There were a few moments in which the movie was clearly catering to a stoned audience, which sort of bothered me for some reason. Maybe I'm just being a dick.
Rating: 8/10

Step Brothers Directed by Adam McKay
Starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly
Released in 2008
Good: It had its moments, most notably the "Boats N' Hoes" music video and a few minor jokes here and there.
Bad: It was just another throwaway "dumb comedy" from Will Ferrell. When will he and John C. Reilly start doing impressively funny and smart movies like Stranger Than Fiction and The Promotion (respectively) together?
Rating: 5.5/10

The WacknessDirected by Jonathan Levine
Starring Josh Peck, Olivia Thirlby, Ben Kingsley, Famke Janssen, Method Man, and Mary Kate Olsen
Released in 2008
Good: Peck has grown up considerably, and become one of the best up-and-coming actors out there with this role. Basically, he plays a weed dealer so well that I wondered if there was any method acting involved.
Bad: Some parts dragged on, and there were tons of things from modern-day that snuck their way into the movie.
Rating: 9/10

Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy ShowDirected by Ari Sandel
Starring Vince Vaughn, Ahmed Ahmed, John Caparulo, Bret Ernst, Sebastian Maniscalo, Jon Favreau, Dwight Yokam, and Justin Long

Released in 2006
Good: The comedians are funny. Sebastian Maniscalo has been one of my favorites since I saw his Comedy Central standup bit a few months back. It was interesting to see how he came to be the comedian he is today.
Bad: John Caparulo was funny, but sounded and performed like Larry the Cable Guy lite. There wasn't enough of the standup bits either.

Rating: 7/10

Irrelevance (#11)

2009-01-15T17:22:00.003-07:00

"Hack your brain"
Boston.com has a neat how-to chart on their site with a few drugless-but-still-trippy experiments you can try out, including the interesting-sounding "putting halved ping pong balls on your eyes and listening to radio static makes you hallucinate" trick. I really want to try it as soon as possible.
Found on Neatorama.

Worst things in the world
I was at work today, and my friend/manager Ryan and I agreed that shitting on someone's chest without their permission is one of the worst/most unforgivable things in the world. As to how this came about, I'll only say that it had to do with our attraction to Zooey Deschanel.
Anyways, back in the day, I started writing a list with my friend Matt titled "the 100 worst things in the world," and got to writing around 40 of them. I still want to finish this list, so if you have anything that you think deserves to be on it, please let me know. I will give you credit, of course.

Some examples from Matt and I's list:

-When you peel off the wax paper from a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and the entire chocolate bottom comes off with it.

-When you turn on your iPod or other music player, and the music is REALLY FUCKING LOUD (this is also valid in cars).

Like I said, if you have ANYTHING that could POSSIBLY be in consideration for this list, let me know. When I do write the list, it will be in single-sentence format like the two examples above, to cut down on your time and mine.

Rescue Ink strikes again!

Longtime readers of my blog may remember a small post I did back in August about the groups of tattooed bikers that run an animal adoption agency in New York. Well, they are at it again, this time rescuing 180 orphaned kittens from a foreclosed home (news article here). They also have a website now, located here.

Batman classified ad
I just found this neat print on Turntable Lab's website:

I want it pretty badly. I'll bet it'll sell out soon, since everyone has Joker-mania right now.

My top five most anticipated movies of the first half of 2009

2009-01-13T19:26:00.001-07:00

I had originally intended to write this on the 2nd or 3rd of this month, but obviously didn't. Feel free to insult my taste in the comments. Expect another one (dealing with the second half of '09) in July.

#5: The Brothers Bloom (May 29)Starring Mark Ruffalo and Adrien Brody, The Brothers Bloom follows the Bloom brothers (shocking!) who swindle and con millionaires into giving them boatloads of money. It was written and directed by the fantastic Rian Johnson, who helmed the 2005 drug-filled drama Brick (one of my favorite movies). Early reviews state that it is a fun-filled instant classic, and likely an awards contender. I'm hoping it will be something in the vein of In Bruges, which was one of my favorites from '08.

#4: Star Trek (May 8) In a world filled with movies set around space whose titles begin with the word "star," there has been only one set of movies for me: Star Wars. But my faith in George Lucas has been shaken, stirred, ingested, passed through several miles of intestinal tract, and subsequently pissed out over the course of the last ten years, so I've been looking for a new franchise to fall in love with.

Enter Lost co-creator J.J. Abrams' take on the 40-something year-old Star Trek franchise. With a new slew of actors, updated visuals, and no overbearing creators to ruin it (sorry, Gene), his take on the adventures of Captain James T. Kirk of the Star Trek Enterprise is shaping up to be one of the best.
And the best part about it all? Simon Pegg plays Scotty. Score!

#3: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1)Despite the fact that I keep relosing and regaining faith in Marvel Comics' movies after every other film they release, I can't help but be extremely excited for this. Hugh Jackman is reprising his role as Wolverine/Logan/James Howlett, in this adaptation of Wolvie's life before the X-Men, dating back to the early 1900's. Ryan Reynolds was perfectly cast as Wade Wilson/Deadpool a few months ago, following the news of Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am being cast as John Wraith. Leiv Schreiber was cast as Victor Creed/Sabertooth, and Friday Night Lights actor Taylor Kitsch was cast as Remy LeBeau/Gambit.
The production photos and trailer have been promising, though I am slightly nervous about their version of Deadpool. You see, in the trailer, we see an unmasked Ryan Reynolds swinging two swords around (Deadpool's signature weapons) while wearing a red tank-top. Hopefully this isn't what he looks like "in costume," because I will be a million times more disappointed than I was when I saw Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and realized that Galactus was an oort cloud.

#2: Moon (TBA)I want to mention this before I go on a rant about this movie: Sam Rockwell is one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood right now. From powerful roles in movies like Snow Angels to undeniably funny roles in movies like Choke (which I still haven't seen), and smaller (but still amazing) roles in movies like The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, he is definitely on my list of actors to be on the lookout for in coming years.
The movie is set in the not-so-far future in which Rockwell's character (an astronaut named Sam Bell) is stranded on the moon for three years straight. Apparently, sometime near the date he is set to leave the rocky planet, he has a "personal encounter" or something like that. I haven't read the book, so I'm not sure what exactly happens, but it sure does sound interesting.
Besides that, the movie looks appealing to me for three reasons:

-It's a drama. Set in space. Duh.
-It's directed by Duncan Jones, AKA Zowie Bowie, AKA David Bowie's son (who wrote the book that the movie is based on). Once again, duh.

-It's an independent movie with an original story that co-stars Kevin Spacey as the voice of a robot. For the third time, duh.

The trouble with the last one is that it has no known movie distributor over here in the U.S., so no release date has been set. Fingers crossed that it'll be soon, eh?

#1: Watchmen (March 6)I'm so excited for this movie that I maintain an erection for close to four hours after every time I think about it. And I think about it about once every 20 seconds, so life has been painful and embarassing since the time I saw the first boner-ific trailer a few months ago. See, you think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I am more excited for this movie than I was for The Dark Knight's release this last summer. Basically, that means I'm really fucking excited. Really.
Based on the epic graphic novel of the same name and directed by Zach Snyder (of 300 fame) Watchmen follows a few formerly masked-and-costumed individuals as they stave off demons from their past in 1980's New York City. It's action-packed, story-based, and really fucking original and awesome.
To be blunt, if Snyder doesn't fuck this one up, and actually stays true to the book, it will be one of the greatest movies of all time. Lawd knows it's one of the best books.

State of the blog: January 8, 2009

2009-01-08T20:19:00.004-07:00

Well, shit. I haven't been updating for the last two or three weeks, and I'm sorry. I have three excuses:

#1: Work - I've been working a lot lately. Yep.

#2: Computer access - Due to my stupidity, I can't access a computer at my house for the time being. Not sure how long this is going to last, but you guys will be the first to know when it stops.

#3: My mother - My mom had her hip replaced on the 29th, and my job has been to keep my house from burning down like she does every single day.

Other than that, not a lot else has been going on in my life. I'm writing, but only by hand. Sure, it's slow and tedious, but I still need an outlet.
So with that said, I have a ton of new ideas for the new year. Expect most of them to be used by mid-March, since I'm an asshole.

I decided to delete the "top 20 of '08" posts. I'm never going to finish it, and it is time to move on. Get over it, kiddos.

Expect a few major updates in the next few days. I won't be on every day, but I'll try my hardest for you people.

My top 5 biggest inspirations

2008-12-18T11:27:00.000-07:00

A lot of times, people ask me what my inspirations for this blog are. I thought I'd answer that question once and for all with a "top 5" list, because, like John Cusack in High Fidelity, this is the only way I really know how to convey a list of random shit to the public. Keep in mind that this is not my "favorite writers" list. This is not my "favorite people" list. This is a list of five writers who have shaped the way I look at the "craft" of putting words on paper (or in this case, a computer screen).

#5: A.J. Jacobs, writer and "editor at large" for Esquire magazineIn April of 2007, I started reading Esquire. And in May of 2007, I became a subscriber. Not only because of the awesome layout and great grooming and fashion tips it gives, but because of the writing that is contained within. One of these writers is self-described "editor at large" A.J. Jacobs.
You see, Jacobs does what no other writer for the magazine does. Jacobs puts himself in situations that seem reminiscent of Morgan Spurlock's in Super Size Me and 30 Days. Whether it be brutal honesty, acting like a hot woman online, or other such things, Jacobs constantly proves that he will go to any lengths for his readers. This is easily his most admirable quality, besides the very distinct style of writing he happens to have. I'm also convinced he's batshit crazy and has the most understanding wife on the planet.A few months ago, I interviewed A.J. about his newest book, A Year of Living Biblically. Read it here.

#4: Douglas Adams, science fiction and comedy book authorFar and away, my favorite writer of all time, Douglas wrote 12 books before he passed away in 2001 from a heart attack. His distinct writing style and bizarre brand of humor have inspired many writers, including myself. I don't often write fiction. But when I do, he is definitely my biggest inspiration. In fact, many of the short stories that I have written were based on ideas I got while I was reading one of his books.
I'm not going to sit here and toot his horn anymore, because that's what I always do.

#3: Augusten Burroughs, memoir writerI'm not going to lie, I haven't read all of Augusten's books. But the five I have read have changed the way I look at storytelling. He's written several books, all of them memoirs, and all of them (that I've read) are absolutely fantastic. From alcoholism, to advertising, to his absolutely screwed up childhood, there is something for everyone in Burrough's back catalogue.
Every single time I write a story about my childhood, he is the first person I think of. His manner of storytelling is something to be envious of. He is the entire reason that I want to write a memoir someday, chronicling my life. Hopefully mine are as good.

#2: Matt Caracappa, blogger from X-Entertainment (located here)
(no photo, because none are good/big enough)
As far as the actual content of my writing goes, Matt here is probably my biggest inspiration. Founder and head writer of X-Entertainment (one of the biggest and oldest blogs on the web), he will basically write about anything. Yep, anything. If he sees it in a store, he buys it, reviews it, and posts it. From his sought-after seasonal posts (especially Halloween and Christmas), to his extended posts on past years' Macy's Day Parades, he is definitely one of my favorites, and is who inspired me to do what I do daily.
Before I get a barrage of comments or emails accusing me of this, yes, Matt's blog's name was the inspiration for my own. Think of it as a sort of homage to a personal hero of mine.

#1: Chuck Klosterman, essayist, writer for Esquire magazineI was flipping through January's issue of Esquire the other day, when I came across a quote from famed essayist Chuck Klosterman. It goes:

"Some days it's incredibly easy to write four thousand words in an afternoon. Other days, it's impossible to write two sentences. There is no consistency with the difficulty of the process."

This basically sums up my feelings towards everything based around writing for people's entertainment, and the difficulty surrounding it. His book IV is what I dream of writing someday. Three parts: stories about him, interviews with famous people, and a fictional short story, all in one. This is what I want to release someday. No singular style of writing can contain him, and I'd hope no singular style of writing could contain me either. Klosterman is the reason I want to become a journalist someday, plain and simple.

Are you a film addict?

2008-12-17T10:10:00.002-07:00

How many movies have you seen? 500? 800? 1,000? More?
Well, there is a new test on the ol' interwebs where you can determine exactly how addicted you are to film by filling out a form with how many of IMDb's top 250 movies you've seen. I scored a 53.6%, but mostly because I don't really watch any movies made before 1960.
The site is located here.

Found on /Film.

Mini-movie reviews (#7)

2008-12-16T15:00:00.002-07:00

I'm adding a new bit to this where if I've seen the movie multiple times, I'll state if my rating has gone up, down, or stayed the same.

Journey to the Center of the EarthDirected by Eric Brevig
Starring Brendan Fraser, Josh Hutcherson, and Anita Breim
Released in 2008
Good: The computer animation was fluid in most scenes.
Bad: Where to begin? Horrible story, horrible adaptation, horrible script, horrible everything. The worst movie of the year, that I've seen.
Rating: 2/10

The Bank Job (second viewing)Directed by Roger Donaldson
Starring Jason Statham, Saffron Burrows, Steven Campbell Moore, Daniel Mays, and James Faulkner
Released in 2008
Good: As much as it pains me to say it, I sort of prefer Statham in the "brilliant gangster" role like he plays in this movie (and Snatch) rather than the "ridiculous action star" role like he plays in Crank and the Transporter movies. He feels like he's more in his element, though I wish he'd find a balance between the two.
Bad: Incredibly predictable, yet still above-average in the "bank heist" type of movie.
Rating: 8.5/10 (raised from an 8/10)
Note: I absolutely love how the poster looks straight out of a 70's multiplex.

Taxi Driver (fourth viewing)Directed by Martin Scorsese
Starring Robert De Niro, Jodie Foster, Albert Brooks, Cybill Shepherd, Peter Boyle, and Harvey Keitel
Released in 1976
Good: Probably De Niro's best role ever, as deranged and righteous taxi driver Travis Bickle. This ranks as one of the movies that everyone must see at least once in their lives. Brutally honest and well-played by all.
Bad: Nothing at all, really.
Rating: 10/10 (stayed the same)

Burn After Reading (second viewing)Directed by Joel and Ethan Coen
Starring John Malkovich, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Frances McDormand, and Tilda Swinton
Released in 2008
Good: Malkovich's role is spot-on as Osborne Cox, Brad Pitt shows that he is fully capable of having a lead comedic role, and Frances McDormand plays the perfect self-consious gym worker. George Clooney, I feel, just plays a slightly retarded version of himself.
Bad: This is the sort of movie you either love or hate. A lot of people don't see its beauty.
Rating: 9/10 (raised from an 8.5)

Irrelevance (#10)

2008-12-13T20:34:00.001-07:00

Christmas
I finally feel myself getting into the Christmas spirit this year. After spending close to $400 on gifts (a ridiculous amount of money to a teenager like myself), and countless hours on paintings and other projects, I can say that I'm finally feeling good about admitting that we are currently in the midst of the holiday season. I'm usually in denial until around December 23rd, so this is an especially good year for me.
I'm beginning to notice "holiday backlash" though. Remember how the past two years haven't been "Christmas," but "the holidays" instead? Well, every chain store (mostly Wal-Mart) seems to be giving that idea a huge FUCK YOU by having Christmas-themed everything. No other winter holiday seems to be even casually mentioned. It's weird.

Kozik busts
I've been into "urban vinyl" toys for about two or three years now, yet I don't own a huge vinyl toy (meaning that it costs over $150). For some reason, I always save for them and sketch out at the last moment. I've never really wanted one of them, until now:Yes, that is Stalin. Yes, it's made of vinyl. Yes, the first one is glow-in-the-dark. And yes, those last two are flocked (AKA "velvet-y"). These 14-inch beauties are what I've been pining for since I got my new job. $300 for the non-flocked, $350 for the flocked. These have been out for about a year, and are by one of my favorite artists, Frank Kozik. I even did a project (or rather, an analysis) on one of these for my ceramics class last year.
He's also done one of Chinese Communist dictator Chairman Mao with Mickey ears ("Mickey Mao"), Vietnam revolutionary Ho Chi Minh, and Beethoven made-up to look like Alex from A Clockwork Orange (since Beethoven's 9th Symphony plays a huge part in the book/movie). I know, they are fucking awesome.
I want the red or blue one on the end. Oh, and there are about 15 colorways for each bust.

Top 50 movies
As sad as it sounds, I've been re-writing my top 50 movies list for the last few days. This is the list (in alphabetical order):

28 Days Later
American Beauty
Apocalypse Now
Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, The
Big Fish
Big Lebowski, The
Brick
Boogie Nights
Chasing Amy
Children of Men
Clerks
Clockwork Orange, A
Dark Knight, The
Departed, The
Dog Day Afternoon
Donnie Darko
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Evil Dead
Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn
Fight Club
Garden State
Graduate, The
Green Street Hooligans
Illusionist, The
Incredibles, The
Machinist, The
Magnolia
Matrix, The
No Country for Old Men
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Pulp Fiction
Punch-Drunk Love
Ratatouille
Reservoir Dogs
Requiem for a Dream
Royal Tenenbaums, The
Rushmore
Scanner Darkly, A
Science of Sleep
Se7en
Shaun of the Dead
Shining, The
Sin City
Snatch
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode IV: Return of the Jedi
Taxi Driver
Usual Suspects, The
WALL-E

I imagine I'll probably have them in numerical order by the end of this next week. The bolded ones are potentials for my top 10. Let me know what you all think of this list.
It also just dawned on me that I have now mentioned A Clockwork Orange twice in this post. Wait, no. Three times now. Goddammit.
And yes, the Star Wars original trilogy is the only series that I have given a 10/10. Most other ones screw up the formula (lookin' at you, Indiana).

Bettie Page
Legendary pin-up model Bettie Page passed away a few days ago from complications of a heart attack she suffered 8 days previously. The 85-year old woman was best known for stirring up controversy in "racy" S&M photos back in the 50's.
I hereby dedicate my entire article on pornography to her memory. Bettie, you will be missed. I wish I could have met you, but not in a creepy way.

Stephen King <3's Jason Statham

2008-12-12T17:25:00.005-07:00

So legendary horror author Stephen King released his top ten movies of 2008 today. The list is as follows:

1. The Dark Knight
2. Slumdog Millionaire
3. WALL-E
4. Tropic Thunder
5. Funny Games
6. The Bank Job
7. Lakeview Terrace
8. The Ruins
9. Redbelt
10. Death Race

This clenches it. Stephen King has a man crush on Jason Statham. He is the only actor to have two movies in King's top ten. Hell, he's the only anything to have two spots on there (director, producer, etc.). Sure, The Bank Job was a badass movie. And I haven't seen Death Race yet (but it comes out next Tuesday, YES!). But two movies, really?
I guess I understand him, and envy his ability to not give a shit about what people think of his tastes. Jason Statham is one of those actors whose movies I absolutely cannot rate without being biased. I'd give Crank a 10/10 if I was being honest with myself. It's one of my favorite movies. But I don't want to let it taint my "top ten" list, because I'd like to be taken seriously when I name the movies on the list off from memory like it's my social security number.
But I digress (as usual). Strange choices aside (Redbelt? The Ruins? Really, Steve?), he readily admits he has crappy taste:

Let's start with a confession: I'm not trustworthy when it comes to movies. I'm two-minded about them. Take this year's Saw film. I sat there in my favorite seat — third row middle, so the screen towers above me — and my forebrain was thinking, Oh, man, this is the year's biggest pile of cinematic dog vomit. But the rest of my brain is thinking, I'm at the mooooovies! IS THIS GREAT OR WHAT?
So when I get flamed in the letters column, as I usually do after one of these lists, I know why. This is almost surely the only 10-best list you'll read that contains not one but two Jason Statham movies; it's that two-brains thing."

Edited out of the originally-written article is a description of how Stephen then proceeded to whip out his wallet and show his collection of pictures of Statham while emitting high-pitched, girly screams. At least someone loves him as much as I do.
Also, nothing screams "I'm middle-aged!" like putting Lakeview Terrace on your top ten list. Besides maybe putting Righteous Kill on there. Hurm.

Found on /Film.

Evil Dead: Part 2 of 4: The second movie

2008-12-12T16:16:00.000-07:00

Click here for part one, the post on the first movie.

Premise (click here for the IMDb page)
The second part of the Evil Dead trilogy (released in 1987) follows protagonist Ash as he continues to fight demons in an abandoned cabin in North Carolina.
After chopping up his girlfriend Linda, Ash embarks on a two-day slaughterfest that includes re-killing all of his friends, killing a new batch of people, and cutting off his own hand.
While some people believe this is a remake of the original, the truth is that director Sam Raimi switched production companies and couldn't get the rights to show a montage of scenes from the first movie to refresh peoples' memories. So he did the next best thing, and re-shot a super-condensed version of the first movie for the beginning of this one.

Production

Most of the film was shot in the gym of JR Faison Junior High School in Wadesboro, North Carolina, and the rest was shot on the same farm that Steven Spielberg used for The Color Purple. The not-so-modest $3.6 million budget was almost ten times as much as it was for the first movie, leaving Raimi and co. to make an ultimately better movie (at least, that's what most people believe).
It was released unrated, which is the equivalent of NC-17. Raimi tried to get an R rating, but failed. He cut scenes out (such as a more brutal version of the "tree rape" scene from the first film), made demon blood green and black, and cut back on the swearing, but the MPAA didn't budge. It has made almost $6 million to date.

Fun facts (found on Wikipedia and IMDb)
-There was a rat in the cellar of the farmhouse they were shooting in, and Raimi allegedly named it "Señor Cojones."
-Ted Raimi (Sam's brother) played Henrietta, the original archeologist's demon-possessed wife. Ted and Sam both claim that Ted was sweating so much under the latex suit he wore that they would literally fill Dixie cups with his sweat. This can be seen when Annie is spinning over Henrietta's head, dripping out of the ear.
-There are a few times when Raimi switched the film negative (making everything opposite), such as the "famously flipped" scene where Ash walks across the room holding a chainsaw in the hand he cut off less than 30 minutes previously.
-In A Nightmare on Elm Street, the original Evil Dead can be seen playing on a TV, along with a poster in one of the character's bedrooms. It was directed by Raimi's friend Wes Craven, and Raimi "got him back" by putting one of Freddy Kreuger's gloves in the toolshed where Ash gets his chainsaw.
-When Ash puts a pile of books on top of his severed hand, the top book reads A Farewell to Arms.
-The scene where everything in the house is laughing was originally just a joke during the making of the movie, in which a production assistant picked up a lamp and made it laugh manically.
-Raimi and Campbell made up a rumor that Campbell's famous jaw was broken during the filming of the scene where a demon chases Ash around the house (shot in first person view from the demon's perspective). This never happened, but it was widely believed for quite some time.
-At the very end of the movie, when Ash is transported back in time, both Ted and Sam are knights that talk to him.

Expect the third and fourth ones to be done before the end of January.

Thrifty twenty (#1)

2008-12-09T11:11:00.005-07:00

This is a new type of post in which I will go to a thrift store, garage sale, Goodwill or other form of resale store (or even a dollar store), spend $20 or less (not including tax), and write about what I get. There should be a picture for these posts in the next few days. Expect it to be done weekly or bi-weekly.

Ah, I love new types of posts. This week, I went to both Bookman's (a sort of "buy everything used and media-related" type of store) and Brass Armadillo (a so-called "antiques mall") Here is what I got from each (click to enlarge the photos):

Bookman's:

1: "Hustlin'" 12-inch single record by Rick Ross: $1.00
Not much needs to be said. Vance was jealous of this.
2: "Hustlin' Remix" 12-inch single record by Rick Ross featuring Jay-Z and Young Jeezy: $1.00
Again, not much needs to be said. Vance was less jealous of this, because apparently to him, the "remix isn't as good." Fuck that, Jay-Z is the man.
3: "Ebony and Ivory" 7-inch single record by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder: $0.50
I totally bought this as a joke. This song reminds me of two things: the commercials they had for USA's TV show Psych while promoting it last season, and the episode of MTV's Rob and Big where they sing this song in karaoke (which coincidentally, was on yesterday).
The way the word "piano" is said in this song absolutely makes it worth the buy. They say it like "pee-yeah-no," and it makes me smile every time I hear it.
4: "Party All the Time" 7-inch single record by Eddie Murphy: $0.50
Another joke. Look at how seriously Eddie Murphy is taking himself on the cover of this album. Oh Edward. What happened? And why was Rick James in this music video?
5: "Start Me Up" 7-inch single record by the Rolling Stones: $0.75
This is one of the few songs by the Stones that I actually like. Sure, I went through a mild Stones phase when I was 12 or 13. But I still like this song for some reason.

Brass Armadillo: 1: "On the Road" 12-inch album by George Carlin: $4.00
I miss George. I've been looking for anything by him on vinyl for a while now, and this one is literally flawless. It isn't warped, scratched, or otherwise in any sort of bad condition (though it is missing the accompanying booklet). Sure, it isn't his best album, but it was still a nicely priced record for the condition that it is in.
2: "At San Quentin" 12-inch album by Johnny Cash: $4.00
This was from the same bin that the Carlin record was from, and it is in almost identical condition (besides some superficial wear on the sleeve). But the vinyl itself is awesome. Black and glossy, just like it should be. Such a great album too. Not as good as say, "Live at Folsom Prison," but good nonetheless.
3: Evil Dead 2: Collector's Edition VHS tape: $5.00
I wouldn't have spent one quarter of my allotted cash on any movie other than this. The "Collector's Edition" tape features a letter from Bruce Campbell himself on the reverse of the paper insert. That alone makes it worth the buy.
Grab bag of various toys: $1.001: Captain America plush
This is what originally caught my eye. I knew the instant I saw it that I had to have it, so I paid a buck and got all this other junk with it. He has no chin, and the tag still dangles from his hand; telling me he was produced in 2001.
2: Weird Superman toy
I get the feeling that this Superman toy is one of the types that is released with all of the accessories that Superman wouldn't normally have (like a grappling hook or gun) when a new television series or movie comes out. This version of Supes has orange, clear plastic hands and a flattop haircut. I wonder what his function is.
3: Batman Burger King toy
I had this toy when it came out around 2001. This was to promote Cartoon Network's then-new Justice League series. He doesn't do much besides move his arms in circles, so I like to pretend he's stretching before battle. He does have an awesome double-layered cloth cape though.
4: Japanese Batman toy
This toy is the diamond in the rough of the Ziploc baggie. Manufactured by Japanese toy giant Takara in 2003, it is a sought-after import from DC Direct (view it here on Amazon). He has 25 points of articulation, removable limbs, and awesome muscles. Definitely made the bag totally worth the dollar.
5 and 6: Superman and Steel pencil sharpeners
These are from the 90's, as evident by Superman's mullet and...well, Steel. Not much to say about these, besides the fact that I think Steel is a horrible movie. Oh, and they don't seem to be open-able.
7: Superman cake topper
You may ask me "How do you know this is a cake topper?" Well, imaginary reader, it is completely obvious. It is made of cheap plastic, stands well on its own, and is just lame enough to be considered worth putting ankle-deep in frosting. It's from 1988. Yeeeeah.
The "S" on his chest is a cheap sticker, which leads me to believe that someone took care of this obsessively.
8: Superman minifigure
This toy is tiny. It comes with a swizzle stick-like thing that you stick into the bottom of it, so your fat fingers don't crush Superman when you pretend he is flying while re-enacting a fight with Brainiac. Brilliant.
9: No clue
I couldn't fathom to guess what this thing is. Most likely thrown in at the last second (considering everything else is comics-related), it seems to be a mage of some sort, floating on a purple cloud. If you know what this is, tell me. It looks Yu-Gi-Oh or Final Fantasy related.

Total money spent: $17.75

Let me know what you think of this new post type by rating it please.

A short story by David Littrell

2008-12-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

This is a short story written by my friend David Littrell for his English final. He had me look over it and give him my opinion on it, and I loved it so much that I offered to post it on here. I highly reccomend you all read this, and give David some feedback in the comments, chat box to the right, or over Myspace.

“What the fuck are you doing Meadlo?!” Captain Medina shouted over the chaos, “Discharge your goddamned weapon!” All the villagers of My Lai was runnin’ round all wildly, tryin’ to find some means of escape from the violent scene. But, as they was running away, they was just gettin’ shot in the back. Intel said this place was a hot spot for Viet-cong. Intel was full a shit. These weren’t no soldiers; these were goddamn women and children.
“Captain Meadlo! There ain’t no Charlie here! These are civilians!” I shouted back toward my commanding officer. Meadalo just glared back at me. I had already watched him take out several ‘tangos’. He had his lips pulled back in some kinda deranged half-smile, and he just reminded me that disobeyin’ orders was grounds for court-martial. Everything ‘round just seemed straight outta a nightmare. Children was runnin’ up to the limp corpses of their mamas, and then they was getting’ put out to pasture in the same manner. The ground all around us was painted with blood, and littered with all these various innards. American soldiers were committin’ war crimes, and no one really seemed to give two shits. My stomach felt real swollen, and my throat clenched up so tight that I couldn’t hardly breathe; but even through all that, I could still feel the eyes of all the other soldiers on me while I stood there all idle. I knew what they was thinking, if I wasn’t gonna to follow Medina’s orders, there was gonna be some friendly fire comin’ my way.My eyes started swellin’ up, and my vision got real blurred while tear’s starting formin’ up. I couldn’t feel the aching of my stomach or throat no more; that was replaced by a new sensation. Felt like there was this tearin’ at soul. I had never wanted to kill no one, and the only way I’d gotten myself to ever pull the trigger before was knowing that if I wasn’t gonna shoot them Charlie, they’d sure as shit shoot me. And now here it was in danger again, only these weren’t no fucking Charlie, these was just targets that screamed. But still, I didn’t wanna die, not no more than them villagers did.
So, I lifted up the weapon my government had given me. There was a young girl, cradlin’ what looked like it used to be a lil’ boy. She wasn’t lookin’ at none of us, just had her head down while she clutched them pieces of kid. And I figured if I was gonna go, I’d rather not see it comin’ neither. I pointed the barrel in her direction, and took the safety off-a my rifle. All I could think ‘bout was how she didn’t deserve none a this, none of ‘em did. I was cryin’, not a little neither, but just bawlin’ like a newborn. I closed my eyes real tight, and clenched my jaw up as hard as I could, then I squeezed the trigger, and jus’ like I’d been trained to, fired off three quick bursts blindly. BRRRAT! BRRRAT! BRRRAT! And with each kickback, I coulda sworn I felt them slugs slammin’ right into my own guts.
There was plenty a gunfire, an screamin’, an killin’ goin’ on all around me, but after I fired them shots, none of it really registered no more. I fell over, down on my knees, and held myself up with both-a my hands while I started dry gaggin’. I raised my head up in the direction that girl had been in then finally opened up my eyes. She had a few entry wounds in her torso, and 2 more in her face. I vomited between sobs, and just started crawlin’ over toward her. I pulled her lifeless corpse up real close to me, and was embracin’ it real tight. “I’m sorry!” I sobbed, “I’m so fuckin’ sorry!” bits of her brains was getting all up on me, and my army issued’s was getting’ soaked in her fluids. I just kept clutchin’ her, the salty taste of her blood mixed with my tears was runnin’ into my mouth, and I didn’t care. I shoulda just let me kill me.
I just kept sittin’ there; holdin’ her real hard for a good couple a minutes, then I felt a hand pat me on the back, and I heard Medina’s voice, “You did good boy! We’ll make a soldier of you yet son!” The gun fire was gone, and I could hear a few of the other guys talkin’ so was jokin’, some was forcin’ themselves up on survivors. There may-a been men up in my unit that felt the same way I did, but I couldn’t see ‘em. My eyes was clenched shut real tight again.
After that, the only thing I was really thinkin’ about for the rest a the whole goddamned war was how if Captain Medina was what a solider is suppose to be, then I sure as hell didn’t want to be one no more; and if this is what humans beings is capable of, well I ain’t sure I wanna be one of them neither.

Mini-movie reviews (#6)

2008-12-07T15:29:00.001-07:00

Heckler(Sorry for the watermark on the poster, it was the biggest one I could find)
Directed by Michael Addis and Jamie Kennedy
Starring Jamie Kennedy and "over 100 comedians and performers."
Released in 2007
Good: The best parts are the ones that are recorded times of heckling. The two standouts are the Bill Hicks and Uwe Boll scenes.
Bad: Though it was a good premise for a documentary, it feels like it dragged on far too long, and strayed from the subject matter (into critics rather than hecklers). That, and I felt really bad for Jamie Kennedy throughout the movie. Jamie, if you are reading this (which the movie shows you are likely to do) I love you and find your standup comedy hilarious.
Rating: 5.5/10

Constantine (3rd viewing)Directed by Francis Lawrence
Starring Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, and Shia Labeouf
Released in 2005
Good: The scenes in hell and involving any sort of demon or other supernatural being are awesome. The opening exorcism scene is one of my favorites in the action genre. Bush frontman (and Gwen Stefani beau) Gavin Rossdale looks awesome in a grey pinstriped tux. And Rachel Weisz is hot.
Bad: Reeves' acting in some parts is laughably bad. Shia Labeouf's character is annoying and unnecessary.
Rating: 6/10

The Illusionist (5th viewing)Directed by Neil Burger
Starring Edward Norton, Jessica Biel, Paul Giamatti, and Rufus Sewell
Released in 2006

Good: Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti's performances are fantastic. The storyline is intriguing and original. The ending reminds me of The Usual Suspects; in the sense that everything comes together flawlessly.
Bad: A few parts (namely the "bedroom scene" between Norton and Biel) drag on a bit.
Rating: 10/10 (one of my favorites)

Movie review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2008-12-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

Warning: minor spoilers ahead
Last night, I went to a press/public pre-screening of David Fincher's new film, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Based on the F. Scott Fitzgerald story of the same name, and set to release on Christmas day, it stars Brad Pitt as the titular character who is born looking like and has characteristics of an 80 year-old man (though in an infant body). Essentially, he grows younger rather than older, forced to watch the people he cares about going in the opposite direction as him.
He is adopted by an African-American senior-citizen caretaker in New Orleans in the beginning of the 20th century, and grows up (or down, rather) through several decades, all throughout the world.
I won't say more than that, because people need to see this movie. At 167 minutes, I know this is a lot to ask from people. But trust me, it is absolutely worth it. Pitt's acting (especially his accent in the voice-overs) is flawless, and love intrest Cate Blanchett is as beautiful as ever (especially in the scene where she is in a red dress). The score is beautiful as well.
But perhaps most importantly, David Fincher's direction is what stands out. The way he progresses through Pitt's de-aging process and the decades alongside them is nothing short of amazing. This is entirely unlike anything he's ever done. As the director of movies like Fight Club and Se7en, this isn't fully surprising. But the fact that he genre-hopped so well is.

Final thoughts
The ending to this movie is one of the saddest I have ever seen. Blanchett's acting in the final scene is something that I personally would deem Oscar-worthy. But the problem is, being released on Christmas day, it is unable to compete in the 2008 Oscars. It'll have to wait a full year until it can be nominated or even considered for anything. Fans of Fincher's previous works will know that this happened with his phenomenal film Zodiac last year. It was released in March, and was forgotten about by the time the awards came around. I think that this same thing will happen to Benjamin Button, though I hope it doesn't.
If this movie isn't remembered for its incredible story and amazing performances (along with fantastic cinematography), it will be remembered as a film that broke new ground in CGI and makeup effects.

Rating: 9/10
Fincher dazzles with a film that is as beautiful it is timeless. One of the best of the year.

Stories I tell myself

2008-12-04T12:47:00.005-07:00

When I ride my bike anywhere (which occurs no less than 15 times a week), I like to make up bizarre stories about people that I pass to make the trip go by faster. For instance, the story that I told myself last night went something like this:
There was a double-date couple sitting at a bar and grill that I passed. I imagined the older couple was the mother and father of the boy half of the younger couple, and they were meeting his girlfriend for the first time. The father looked like Stanley Tucci, and the mother looked like Nikki Blonsky in 20 years. The boy looked like Michael Cera, and the girl like Katie Holmes (they will further be known by these names). They went to the same college (ASU), where Michael will get his Bachelor's degree in business, and Katie will get her degree in art history. They will get married after she graduates, because she is pregnant with their first child. Michael will become wildly successful after setting up a custom tile flooring business in a budding town. He will be a millionaire. He and his wife will always remain faithful to one another.
They will have four children. Here are their stories.

Michael Jr. - A psychologist later in his life Michael Jr. is the only one who will know (or rather, suspect) that his mother committed suicide less than a year after his father died at age 65 from a heart attack while running. In her will/suicide note (which a friendly neighbor will find), it will specifically say not to tell her children that she had killed herself, to tell them that she had fallen asleep in her garage with the car running, dying from carbon monoxide poisoning (she suffered from a mild case of narcolepsy, so this wasn't completely out there).
The only person Michael Jr. will tell about his suspicions was his wife. And the only person his wife will tell is her neighbor across the street that she is in love with and sleeps with no less than four times a week (three times more than she does with her husband). She will become pregnant, and the child will be her neighbor's. She will never know this (though she'll suspect it), and neither will Michael. They will get divorced three weeks shy of their daughter's fourth birthday. Michael Jr. will have custody of his daughter, and will be nothing short of a fantastic father. He will die at the ripe old age of 82 from liver failure.
Jasmine - Jasmine will be the epitome of the term "daddy's little girl," and will be a freelance journalist (she will try to go to college, but will drop out after the third semester).
On the two year anniversary of her father's death, she will release a book called "My Father's Eyes" (named after the Eric Clapton song), and it will be a biography of her father told by family and friends close to him. It will become incredibly popular, sitting at the top of the New York Times' best seller list for six weeks before being overtaken by Jamie Lynn Spears' autobiography (titled "My Life, The Circus").
She will get married to a man named Doug, and will miscarry three babies with him because of a problem with her uterus. These three miscarriages will drive them apart, and they will get divorced shortly after the third one. She will remarry 7 years later, and will love this man (Brad) more than she loved Doug. Brad will understand her inability to birth children, and will agree to adopt one with her. They will travel to Africa and adopt a baby boy named Marshall. She will be skeptical of her love for him at first, but will grow to treat him like her own. She will be a good (albeit short-tempered) mother.
She will die at age 70 after getting hit by a car driven by a drunk driver while walking her small dog at night. Her husband will never remarry, nor even consider it.
Stanley (named after Michael's father) - Stanley will move out of his house when he is 17, to live with his 32 year-old drug dealing girlfriend named Maisy. He will be arrested at the age of 19 under suspicion of menace, and the police will discover 3 grams of cocaine in his front shirt pocket. He will be sentenced to 6 months of rehab and 6 months of probation, which he will serve honestly and truthfully (because he really does want help).
At the age of 22, he will become a born-again Christian, having started his path to "finding God" while in rehab. He will become a youth minister for a Southern Baptist Church in Tennessee, and all of his "children" will love him. He will never marry, and will die alone at the age of 47 from a heroin overdose after falling off the metaphorical sober wagon.
Stephen - In his sixth year of college to become a businessman like his father, Stephen will be in a near-fatal car accident that will leave his legs crushed and unusable without the aid of a cane, crutches, or leg braces. He could use a wheelchair, but thinks that people will see him as weak. After the accident, he will abandon his business degrees to become a physical therapist, so that he can help people like himself. He will write a self-help book for partially crippled people, and it will be mildly popular.
He is gay, and will have a partner throughout his entire life, named Richard (but "Dick" to his friends, as a sort of in-joke). After revealing to his siblings that he is homosexual, he will be completely cut off by his super-religious brother, Stanley. They will never reconcile, and it will weigh on Stephen's heart for the rest of his life. He will die four weeks before his sister, at age 62, after falling off of his roof while putting Christmas decorations up. Dick will commit suicide via shotgun a month later, his note saying only that he "Was left alone in an unfriendly world."

You see? It took me about 30 minutes to come up with all of these details. And yes, I do "tell myself" these stories. Hell, I was biking home at 11:30. No one will hear me.

en-tur-tain-munt's top five (non-superhero related) graphic novels

2008-12-01T18:56:00.001-07:00

Finally, here it is. I know I said I'd do at "top ten" for this (as I did with the superhero ones), but there just isn't enough time to waste to do something like that (because I know few of you will appreciate it). After this, there will be no writing about comics for a while.
Just like the first time around, there are a few rules I set for myself while making this list. Since I am only doing a top five for this specific set of graphic novels, I forced myself to only use an artist/writer once, rather than have one take up the entire list (Alan Moore, specifically).
I also told myself that I wouldn't (and couldn't) include anything involving Jhonen Vasquez. Vasquez is the artist, writer, and creator of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Squee!, and I Feel Sick; and is also the creator of the cartoon Invader Zim. If I were to include him, the list would be biased and flawed, since I grew up reading and watching the material he created. As such, I have removed him from the equation. I will write about him specifically on a later date.
As with the first posts, the names of the graphic novels will be links to their Amazon pages.
Click here for part 1 of the superhero graphic novels post, and here for part 2.

#5 - V for Vendetta (originally published from 1982-1988) Set in the near future in post-apocalyptic England (London, specifically), V for Vendetta centers around an anarchist trying to bring down the fascist and corrupt government that now runs the entire country. Known only as V, this masked man takes a young girl under his wing (named Evey Hammond) and is assisted by her in this process. The methodical manner of his take down of the British government is near beautiful, and writer Alan Moore (of Watchmen fame) once again proves himself as the master of comics writing. The characters of V and Evey are (once again) multi-layered and complex; leading you to believe that this is an actual event you are reading about, rather than bizarre fiction. There was, of course, a movie based on this graphic novel, starring Hugo Weaving as V and Natalie Portman as Evey. It was directed by the Wachowski Brothers (The Matrix trilogy, Speed Racer), and is a pretty good adaptation of the source content. I'd suggest you read this before you see the movie, if you haven't seen it.

#4 - Ghost World (originally published from 1993-1997) Drawn and written by independent comics guru Daniel Clowes, Ghost World follows two best friends named Enid and Rebecca as they basically live their 90's teenage girl lives. Enid is a weirdo whose style and attitude change with each issue, and Rebecca dislikes this, leading to a rift between the two. Throughout their "journey" of maturity and friendship, they run into suspected Satanists, pedophiles, and a strange man named Bob Skeetes. This graphic novel epitomizes what teenage life was like in the 90's; and condenses the attitudes and actions of Generation X into two characters.
This was also adapted into a movie (with the screenplay written my Clowes himself) starring Thora Birch as Enid and Scarlett Johannsson as Rebecca, released in 2001. Though it has a few differences from the book, it is still a pretty true adaptation. Check it out, but read the book first (of course).

#3 - Creature Tech (originally published in 2002)Doug TenNapel is brilliant. As the artist and writer of several graphic novels (Gear, Iron West, Earthboy Jacobus) and the creative mind behind the animated TV show CatScratch, he's built something of a mini-empire. TenNapel's best work, a 2002 book called Creature Tech is about a man named Dr. Michael Ong who is sent to a small hick town in California to essentially open a bunch of government-owned boxes to catalouge what paranormal things lie within (almost like how Area 51 is always depicted in movies). Along with his humanoid praying mantis sidekick and a backpack-like parasite with mind-controlled arms (like Doctor Octopus) attached to his back, Dr. Ong must stop a paranormal spirit from resurrecting a giant, dead space eel that is buried under the town.
Sound bizarre? It is. It is one of the most insane premises to any graphic novel I've ever read, and I absolutely love it. The story is well-told, the ideas are striking and original, and the characters are memorable. Essentially, everything you could ask for in a graphic novel.
Apparently the rights for this book are being fought over by 20th Century Fox and Warner Bros.; to be adapted into a live-action movie. Fingers crossed they do it justice.

#2 - Teenagers From Mars (originally published in 2005)If Ghost World is the epitome of 90's Generation X-ers, Teenagers From Mars is the epitome of 00's Generation Y-ers. Named after a Ramones album and set in a southern town named Mars (of course), where a "MallMart" employee is sick of his shitty, boring life. We've all been there, but we haven't all had our favorite comic shop shut down, been arrested, and been to a city-wide bookburning before, all while planning on starting a "comics liberation army" of sorts. I'd write more about the awesome storytelling and stuff, but I'm far too afraid that I may spoil some things about the book.
This isn't really a spoiler, but the best scene in the entire book is when Mason beats the shit out of a customer. Absolutely fucking awesome.

#1 - Blankets (originally published in 2003) Before I get into the finer points of this graphic novel, I'd love to share with everyone my relationship with the writer and artist of this comic, Craig Thompson.
When I was young, there were two magazines that I read: Disney Adventures and Nickelodeon Magazine. I preferred Nick Mag because they "got" my generation. They knew what to say and write about to keep kids interested. During the general period that I read this magazine (estimated 1998-2002) and unbeknownst to me, a comics artist was taking the magazine by storm. He would write and illustrate several pieces for it over the four or five years I read it, and I'd always love his art style. I didn't realize until recently that it was him that I liked back then, when I saw all of the old comics on his website.
Flash forward to 2007. Vance and I were in a Borders looking at music, when an album caught his eye. Titled Friend and Foe and recorded by a band named Menomena (whom I interviewed earlier this year), this album featured artwork like none we had ever seen (which I also wrote about, sorta). So Vance gave it a listen. Then I gave it a listen. We both liked it, so he bought it. Turns out the album art was done by none other than Thompson himself, and that he was a close friend of the band. They are now one of my absolute favorites. Weird how things work out, isn't it?

But on to the book itself. I "discovered" it in my local library around 2005, when a friend of mine recommended that I read it. I did, and was completely blown away. The story is a retelling of Craig's childhood and late teenage love life, more specifically his relationship with a girl he met at Church camp, Raina. Thompson's unique art style and well-written dialogue between characters make this a must-read on par with Moore's Watchmen. You can honestly feel the sentimentality that Thompson feels dealing with the situation when you look at the artwork and see how much time he must have invested in telling the world this story. It is not only a wonderful book, but a wonderful piece of art.

Special thanks to Vance for helping me out with this one.

State of the blog: December 1st, 2008

2008-12-01T10:17:00.003-07:00

Well, the new year is almost upon us. And you know what that means: "best of 2008" lists. Yep, I'll be writing one large "best of" list for the entire year. The name of the event itself will be "en-tur-tain-munt's top 20 things that made 2008 memorable." Starting tomorrow, I'll be counting down the 20 things that I believe to be most important from this year, with posts to follow over the next 19 days (or maybe longer, depending on if I take a break or not).
As a preview, I've decided to include three things things on the list right here. These are in no order:

George Carlin's death

The Dark Knight
The Olympics

See? The events are all-encompassing, or at least try to be. Like I said, these posts will start tomorrow, and continue throughout the entire month of December. And yes, there will be other posts during the days I write them.

I'm working on the "top 5 non-superhero graphic novels" post right now. Yeah, top 5. I decided to shorten it because I didn't want to overwhelm the people that aren't interested in comics with a bunch of comics-related posts. It should be up tonight or tomorrow.

I've been looking into getting a domain name and branching away out of Blogger, but creating a website is a long and tedious process. I haven't started yet, but the task itself is nerve-racking.

The Evil Dead II post that I've been planning is slowly getting worked on. Should be posted before the end of 2008, I'd say. It'll be a lot better than the first one, because a lot more information is available.

After I finish the Evil Dead series (four parts), I'll be working on a similar series of posts about Kevin Smith's ViewAskewniverse. This Jersey-based series of movies includes Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and Clerks II. I was originally going to do all of his films (which include Jersey Girl and Zack and Miri Make a Porno), but decided to stick to this series alone. It'll be seven or eight parts: six for the movies, one or two for the "aftereffects" and "bonus stuff (comics, etc.)." Should be neat.

If anyone has a copy of Chinese Democracy (the new Guns N' Roses album) that they could let me borrow to review, that would be awesome. It's the Christmas season and I don't really have 15 bucks to waste on what is likely going to be a terrible album.

And finally, former ETTM writer Nello De Angelis has started his own blog, in which he reviews movies. Of course, they are generally ridiculously independent movies or ancient foreign films (ew), but I support him nonetheless. Good luck, Nello.

Irrelevance (#9)

2008-11-29T12:48:00.007-07:00

Black Friday
Not much needs to be said about this that isn't already said, but apparently someone was trampled to death in a Long Island Wal-Mart. Exactly why I hate the holidays.

Portraits As Living Deads
A few weeks ago, I ran across a blog run by a Swiss artist named Frederik Peeters called Portraits As Living Deads. It basically zombifies famous dead people, showing clues as to how they died on their zombie bodies. Some of the best ones are as follows: Writer Ernest Hemingway (killed himself with a shotgun)
Rapper Notorious B.I.G. (shot in the chest a number of times)
Former President John F. Kennedy (shot in the head)Queen singer Freddie Mercury (complications from AIDS)
Peeter's blog is located here. He usually updates once every day, or every other day.

The Batman that never was
Controversial director Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, Pi) was originally going to direct a hyper-realistic Batman movie before Batman Begins came out a few years ago. His premise is as follows:

Aronofsky wasn’t interested in making anything that resembled a Batman film that had come before. He also wasn’t interested in hewing close to Miller’s original comics. This film saw Bruce Wayne wandering the streets after the murder of his parents; he’s taken in by an auto mechanic named Big Al (Aronofsky’s version of Alfred). Bruce grows up a borderline psychotic who begins taking violent vengeance on street thugs. He turns an abandoned subway station below Big Al’s auto shop into his version of the Batcave. He puts a bus engine in a black Lincoln Continental as his version of the Batmobile. Over the course of the story he assembles the elements of the costume and persona of Batman (or The Bat-Man, as he’s called).
This Batman is the reality of what a guy in a costume beating up criminals would be like - insane, overdramatic, barely likable.

This is what dreams are made of. The best comics are always the ones that show an alternate reality, or a different telling of a story, so why couldn't that be just as great on the big screen? Hopefully Aronofsky hasn't given up yet. I'd love to see this made.
Here is a list of more movies that were never made, including a Star Trek IV starring Eddie Murphy.

First impressions of Gambit in X-Men Orgins: Wolverine

Meh. Looks like a half-assed Halloween costume to me.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone

2008-11-26T22:24:00.004-07:00

Will you enjoy your turkey, or will your turkey enjoy you?

Yes, this is a real movie. And yes, I have every intention of tracking it down on DVD.
Have a good holiday everyone.

Movies from my childhood (part 2): The Great Mouse Detective and Cats Don't Dance

2008-11-26T16:02:00.002-07:00

In all my life, I've probably seen around 700 movies (this is just a rough estimate, so bear with me here). Out of these, I'd guess that somewhere around 100 of them are animated. And out of those, only about 15 have helped shape my outlook on cinema and life. These few films, no matter how amazingly terrible or terribly amazing they may be, are some of my favorites. There is no denying it. I suppose these posts are my way of "thanking" them. Click here for part 1 and here for part 1.5.

The Great Mouse Detective (1986)When I set out to write these two (well, three) posts, I specifically told myself that I would not include any Disney movies. I am sick and tired of people talking about how flawless their track record has been, and figured I'd give them a break from the stardom by boycotting their movies (at least, for a few blog posts). But while I was writing this, I was reminded of a Disney movie that shaped my childhood like no other Disney movie could have: The Great Mouse Detective.
Loosely based around Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes character and derived from a children's book called Basil of Baker's Street, it follows a mouse detective (shocking), Basil, and his sidekick Dr. Dawson who are trying to figure out why a villain named Ratigan kidnapped a famous robot/toy maker. The toy maker, named Hiram Flaversham, is the father of Olivia Flaversham, who hired Basil to find him.
Sound interesting? It is. Especially for a young child. This movie stands out from the rest of the Disney back catalogue, especially when you are referring to movies made before the 90's. It was...dare I say it?-somewhat adult. Of course you had your children's humor, but something tells me that this movie essentially created the made-for-kids-but-adults-will-enjoy-it-too genre of animated movies that have been especially popular in the last few years. The use of guns, a serious crime (kidnapping a single father, leaving his daughter alone), and killing off characters (not on screen, but still heavily implied) made it feel like Disney was really reaching out. I'm glad they did.
But what's even better, legendary b-movie actor Vincent Price was the voice of Ratigan.

Cats Don't Dance (1997)Though this was released in '97, it wasn't one of my favorites until around 2000, when I was ten. The story follows a young aspiring actor feline named Danny who travels to Hollywood from his small town to try to make it big in the movie business. But after upstaging world-famous actress Darla Dimple (a clear shot at Shirley Temple) while playing a bit part in one of her films, he is told that he'll never be able to work in Hollywood again. His best friend, a short ice delivery penguin named Pudge, convinces him to try again. And so the story begins...
All this, and a love story with a female cat named Sawyer make this a film to be remembered. The musical numbers are amazing, and the animation style still remains fresh and original, even after 11 years. This movie was in the same vein as Rock-A-Doodle, in the sense that I was always humming or singing the songs as an adolescent. I suppose you could even go so far as to say that these two movies (along with a few others, Aladdin and Hercules being included) are the ones that got me into music. I remember having a tape of one of the songs from this movie, with an alternate version on the b-side. I'd put it in my tape deck and switch it around every four minutes, just so I could hear two versions of the same song over and over again. My parents hated it.
Wikipedia tells me that this was one of the last movies to use traditional animation cels. This makes me sad, for some reason.

I decided to save We're Back! for another time. For some reason, I didn't feel like writing about it at all. It'll be in part 3, which should be written before the end of 2008, and include 3 or more movies.

This speaks for itself.

2008-11-26T15:17:00.004-07:00

I wonder where this is. I'd love to know.

EDIT: My friend Ashley informs me that it was spoken by a woman named Jenny Holzer, and that it is outside the Museum of Modern Art in New York. Awesome.

Another reason to love Robery Downey Jr.

2008-11-25T18:13:00.005-07:00

After his fantastic performances in this year's Iron Man and Tropic Thunder, and such classics as Zodiac and Chaplin (along with the underrated A Scanner Darkly and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) I have recently determined that he is one of my favorite actors. On top of this, he has a lovable personality in real life, as shown in this interview on MTV's website.
Downey specifically talks about Iron Man 2 and the upcoming Avengers movie, both of which he is officially attached to. The most notable quote is this (talking about the Avengers):

“If we don’t get it right it’s really, really going to suck,” said Downey. “It has to be the crowning blow of Marvel’s best and brightest because it’s the hardest thing to get right. It’s tough to spin all the plates for one of these characters."

Thank the fucking heavens that RDJ actually gives a shit about staying true to the source material. After reading this, I have full confidence that Avengers (or at least the Iron Man parts) will be great.

What a cool dude.

Movies from my childhood (part 1.5): Warriors of Virtue

2008-11-24T21:06:00.005-07:00

Originally, this was going to be a part of the two "movies from my childhood" posts, but it dragged on and looked like a benign tumor hanging off the end of the second one. So I decided to make it a single post. Think of it as a sort of intermission between the two. Enjoy.

Warriors of Virtue (1997)

Before I get into the finer points of this film about an alternate universe protected by five elemental-powered kung-fu kangaroos, I would like to share an anecdote with you all.
When this movie was released, it was widely talked about at my elementary school. Every kid wanted to see it. I never saw it in theaters (WAY too expensive for my family), but told the other kids I did, only to be asked what it was like and if the kangaroos were real. Bullshitting my way through these questions, I was then hit with a "you didn't see it!" by one of the schoolyard dickweeds. Red-faced and stuttering, I was caught. I didn't know what to do. So I lied again.
Now, I was a compulsive liar at this young age, and had an active imagination, so I would always come up with something that was believable, but only slightly. I told this kid (whose name was Austin, I believe) that my dad had bought me a toy of the coveted fire-powered red kangaroo character after we saw it in theaters. This Austin fellow then asked me to prove it, and being the mini-Marty McFly that I was, I snobbishly stood up to him and told him that I would.
After this, I went home and panicked. I had no idea what to do. Being 7 at the time, I didn't yet get an allowance, and wasn't set to see my dad for another few days. Asking my mom was out of the question, because I didn't want to really really lie (which in the pre-pre-teen mindset is what happens when you fib about who you got a present from). So I called my dad and asked him to get me a Warriors of Virtue toy. I was very specific in my wording, telling him that I wanted the red one and the red one only. He said he'd look and see if he could find one, and that he'd have it by that weekend.
I was relieved. I could easily lie again and again to Austin, telling him that "my mom wouldn't let me" bring the toy, or that "I forgot" for the next few days. Of course, he was skeptical, but I smugly told him that I would have the red kangaroo the following Monday.
Friday rolled around, and I practically tripped over myself running to my dad's car to see my prize. But...something was wrong. Instead of getting the hot-tempered, badass red kangaroo, he instead got me this one:The motherfucking green kangaroo. The old, decrepit "wise one" that doesn't do shit throughout the entire movie, and whose element is "wood." Who the fuck would have thought "wood" was an element? I sure as shit didn't. This was easily the worst character he could have found for me. I would have rather taken the plaid-shirt wearing human protagonist "Ryan" over him. At least Ryan had the whole "central character" thing going for him. But no, he got me the old dude. The mentor. The do-nothing member of the team that only slows them down. I was livid. I couldn't talk. And my dad sat there, smirking, acting like I wouldn't know the difference between the two.
"He's just a dumb kid," he likely thought. "He won't know the difference between red and green." Well guess what? I DID. And when I brought him to school that following Monday to maybe salvage a tiny shred of dignity, I was totally ostracized by everyone that had viewed the previous week's conversation. I was an outcast for the next few weeks.
My dad's mistake (or rather, his ability to assume I was literally retarded) only added to my growing contempt for adults at that point in my life. I'm not going to blame myself and say that I shouldn't have lied, because fuck, every kid lies. No, he shouldn't have been so assuming of my colorblindness and absolute dumbassery.
A few months after this embarassment, this toy (whose movie-name is "Lun") went on to become one of my favorites. I'm not entirely sure why, but he did. I guess I realized that one ass-kicking kangaroo is better than none; even if he is the "smart one with the staff."
This story is why I remember this movie, and have chose to place it amongst these other films in a metaphorical "hall of fame." It taught me a lesson that would later be cemented in by Mick Jagger when I went through my short-lived Rolling Stones phase in 2003:

"You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need."

Well said, Mick. Well said.
Anyways, the movie itself is a sack of shit. It is basically a retelling of the early 90's incarcerations of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, except it's more fantasy-based and stars the aforementioned five elemental-powered kangaroos that know some sort of karate.
Yeah, it sounds like a bad acid trip. Yeah, the production is terrible. But it taught me a lesson in life. And for that, I'm sort of thankful, I guess.

Mini-movie reviews (#5)

2008-11-24T19:22:00.002-07:00

Tropic Thunder (uncut version)Directed by Ben Stiller
Starring Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Jr., Jack Black, Jay Baruchel, and Brandon T. Jackson
Released in 2008
Rated NR
Good: Amazing cast, amazing story, amazing everything. Downey Jr.'s role as Kirk Lazarus is one of the best supporting roles of the year (after Heath in The Dark Knight). The uncut version is even funnier than the theatrical, with extended scenes and jokes. One of the best of the year, hands down.
Bad: I get the sense that some of the jokes won't stay relevant in the next decade or so, and I'm scared of that.
Rating: 10/10

Note: Some readers may remember Nello and I's Tropic Thunder review from a few months ago, located here.

Charlie Bartlett Directed by Jon Poll
Starring Anton Yelchin, Kat Dennings, Robert Downey Jr., Tyler Hilton, and Hope Davis
Released in 2008
Rated R
Good: Anton Yelchin is a great up-and-coming actor, Kat Dennings is cute, and Downey Jr. plays yet another alchoholic. Hope Davis has a good role as Charlie's drugged-out mother. Decent teen movie with a decent message.
Bad: Is ANYONE'S high school even remotely like that shown in the movie? Please, let me know.
Rating: 6/10

Meet BillDirected by Bernie Goldmann and Melisa Wallack
Starring Aaron Eckhart, Jessica Alba, Elizabeth Banks, and Logan Lerman
Released in 2007
Rated R
Good: Eckhart is lovable, even as an unhappy average joe. He plays this role almost too well.
Bad: Alba seems slightly wasted in this role. I wish I could have seen her more, but that's probably only because she's adorable.
Rating: 8/10

Clerks. (??? viewing)Directed by Kevin Smith
Starring Brian O' Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Jason Mewes, and Kevin Smith
Released in 1994
Rated NC-17/R (depending on the market you're in)
Good: Everything.
Bad: Nothing.
Rating: 10/10

Bolt

Directed by Byron Howard and Chris Williams
Starring John Travolta, Miley Cyrus, Susie Essman, and Mark Walton
Released in 2008
Rated PG
Good: The movie looks and feels amazing. Beautiful animation and character design, and a cute and original story.
Bad: At first, Travolta's voice is a bit unnerving, and it doesn't seem to match the dog. But after a while, you get used to it.
Rating: 7.5/10

Irrelevance (#8)

2008-11-24T17:52:00.001-07:00

Ace Ventura Jr.

I think my pre-production prediction was entirely accurate. 'Nuff said.

Penguin books

Penguin books are well known and liked for making editions of books that are fun to look at as well as read. I came across a neat section of their website where you can buy sets of books by the same author with covers by the same artist, so you have the entire set. How neat is that? The coolest one is the sold-out Shepard Fairey (OBEY artist) and George Orwell collaboration, which includes limited edition posters/lithographs of the covers as well:Aren't those just fucking gorgeous? The books themselves are amazing (especially 1984), and the art just makes them awesome-er. I love it when companies go out of their way to make books look cool like that.
Click here to visit the Penguin Sets section of their site. You won't regret it.

Movie posters
I think I'm going to start collecting foreign and US movie posters soon. Obviously, I'll only get ones from movies that I REALLY like (Shaun of the Dead, The Royal Tenenbaums, Fight Club, The Usual Suspects, etc.), or if they are too awesome to pass up. For instance, check out this mind blowing Army of Darkness poster from Japan:

You can't deny that this is quite possibly the coolest poster in existence. It'll be the one that I go for first, before any others. I mean, come on, he's standing on top of soup cans that have his name on them, and the background art is filled with references to the movie. This makes me believe that it is fully possible to print awesome in sheets.
It's apparently really coveted in the "underground poster collecting community." The $150 price tag on eBay tells no lies.

Top 5 underrated supervillains (in no order)

2008-11-23T13:38:00.001-07:00

I told you it was coming, and here it is. The top 5 underrated supervillans in Marvel and DC comics. Just like the other post, I've included a bonus character for you all to enjoy. Click here for the first post, on the top 5 underrated superheroes.

Mysterio
Company: Marvel (primarily a Spider-Man foe)
Real name: Quentin Beck, Daniel Berkhart, and Francis Klum
Year introduced: 1964
In comics: Three men have donned the fishbowl-shaped helmet of Mysterio since he was created in '64. None other than Klum have had special abilities (he can teleport like Nightcrawler), but use special effects and illusions to trick their foes into believing things. For instance, Mysterio once tricked Spider-Man into thinking he was six inches tall. Yeah, he's a total badass. And Beck (the original Mysterio) is rumored to be gay.
Other than that, the story behind Mysterio has been an interesting one. To make a long story short, Beck killed himself, was replaced by his friend Berkhart, who was arrested and whose costume was stolen by the Kingpin and sold to Klum, whose actions unknowingly awakened Beck from the dead. And now Beck is back in a purple-and-red costume, with half of his head missing. Confused? Good. That's part of his character.
In media: He's been in nearly every Spider-Man game, and in a few other Marvel titles (such as Ultimate Alliance). He's also been on every single version of any Spider-Man television series ever made.

ZsaszCompany: DC (primarily a Batman foe)

Real name: Victor Zsasz
Year introduced: 1992
In comics: Though he has no superhuman abilities, Victor Zsasz is one fucked up serial killer. He's killed hundreds (possibly thousands) of people, uncaring of their age, sex, social status, or anything else (though he likes killing young women). Having no set method of killing (besides slitting throats), he has evaded Batman several times. A lot of the unsolved murders in Gotham have been attributed to Zsasz, considering these things.
He has made an attempt on Alfred Pennyworth's (Batman's loyal butler) life as well. For every successful murder he commits, Zsasz marks a place on his body with a tally mark. Recently, he's talked about "running out of room."

In media: Zsasz was in Batman Begins, briefly. He was also in the video game adaptation of the movie, and played a bigger role. He's also been in a few other games, most notably the Nintendo DS version of Lego: Batman.

Mister Mxyzptlk (pronounced "Mix-Yez-Pittle-Ick")Company: DC (primarily a Superman foe)
Real name: Unknown
Year introduced: 1944
In comics: An imp from the fifth dimension, Mxyzptlk (AKA "Mxy") is capable of almost anything. His powers are literally limitless, only bound by the edges of his imagination. A good example of exactly how much power he has was illustrated in Superman's famous story arc Emperor Joker, in which the clown prince of evil manages to steal 99% of Mxy's power. After doing so, he essentially unravels space-time as we know it, creating the universe in his own image with the wave of his hand. Mxy, on the other hand, would never do anything evil, claiming that he would "become bored too easily." He basically just likes to screw around with people, and is technically not a "villain." The only way to get him to return back to the fifth dimension is to trick him into saying his name backwards (kltpzyxm).
Also, the "Batman version" of Mxyzptlk is Bat-Mite, a strange, flea-like creature dressed as Batman (who is also from the fifth dimension, seen in the above picture).
In media: He was on the Superman animated show in the 90's, was on the show Lois and Clark (played by Deal or No Deal host Howie Mandel), and was in an episode of Smallville (playing a lame-ass human that could merely influence people around him). He was also considered to be the villain in Superman III.

ScorpionCompany: Marvel (primarily a Spider-Man foe)
Real name: Mac Gargan
Year introduced: 1965
In comics: One of my favorite villains, Mac Gargan is a clinically-insane former private investigator that despises Spider-Man. Originally hired by Jonah Jameson to find out why Peter Parker takes good pictures of Spidey, he became interested in defeating the wall-crawler when he took a serum designed to give the subject powers equal to that of Parker's. This serum also made him completely batshit crazy, as well as granting him superhuman strength, agility, and the ability to stick to most surfaces. His armor has a prehensile tail that has different types of weapons inside of it (bullets, acid, and electricity being the most commonly used).
Since 2005, Mac Gargan has been the new Venom, as seen below:He also recently combined both his Scorpion costume and the Venom symbiote to create the incredibly lame Venorpion:
In media: Like Mysterio, he has appeared in nearly every single Spider-Man game and TV show, as well as Ultimate Alliance.

ArcadeCompany: Marvel (primarily an X-Men foe, though was introduced in a Spider-Man and Captain Britain team-up series)
Real name: Unknown
Year introduced: 1977
In comics: Not superpowered by any means, Arcade is a villain who uses robots and traps of his invention to attempt to kill heroes (and sometimes villains). He has a series of "theme parks" named Murderworld where he forces said heroes and villains to go through a series of tests, in all of which failing means death. He is not unlike Jigsaw from the Saw movies, in the sense that he always has one single way for the person or persons to escape death, usually at a high cost.
In media: He had a central villain role in Ultimate Alliance, as well as appearances in a few other games. He was also re-imagined as a game-obsessed teenager in X-Men: Evolution.
Note: Sorry for the crappy picture, it was the only one I could find.

Bonus villain!

OnomatopoeiaCompany: DC (primarily a Green Arrow foe)
Real name: Unknown
Year introduced: 2002
In comics: Created by Clerks director Kevin Smith, Onomatopoeia is a strange villain with even stranger characteristics. Not much is known about him, except for the fact that he can perfectly imitate sounds (hence his name), rarely speaks, and is a Caucasian male that potentially has superhuman abilities (most likely strength and stamina). He uses guns and other projectile weapons, and targets non-superpowered heroes to kill (hence his fight with the Green Arrow).
He is currently starring in a Batman miniseries titled Cacophony, written by Smith. I haven't picked up any of the issues yet, but I am assured it is good.

In media: None.

Special thanks to Ashley, Ryan, and Vance for helping me with this post.

Lunch Bag Art

2008-11-22T09:11:00.004-07:00

This is so neat. An unidentified artist draws on his children's usually-plain brown paper lunch bags, takes pictures on them at his lunch break at work, and posts them on his blog (link here). It is also interesting to note that the art gets noticeably better with time. The subjects are far-spanning, from the two seen below and above (Kirby and Turtwig from Pokemon), to Godzilla, to classic characters like Daffy Duck and Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.

What an awesome dad. Really. I'm sure his kids will look back on this and smile.

Movies from my childhood (part 1): Rock-A-Doodle, Fluke, and The Iron Giant

2008-11-19T16:28:00.004-07:00

When I was young, my dad had partial custody of me. I'd go over to his house every other weekend and see him for two hours every Wednesday night. Every weekend I'd spend at his house, we'd go to one of the three supermarkets in the area (either Brookshire's, Tom Thumb, or Kroger) and pick up food and other things for the weekend. This always happened in the three years when I was between the ages of 7 and 10. Being an adolescent meant that I had to get a movie every weekend, no questions asked. These movies ranged from The Indian in the Cupboard to the Garfield animated series (on VHS, of course), but there were always three movies that I'd rent multiple times:

Rock-A-Doodle (1992)
This was my favorite movie, hands down. Released in 1992, it follows an animated rooster dressed like Elvis named Chanticleer as he battles an evil monocled-owl named the Grand Duke (who wants to eat everyone). It's a lot more interesting than that, and includes a live-action opening sequence that morphs to animation, but I'm sure you get the idea. Chanticleer's job in the movie was to wake up the sun with his singing, as shown in this clip:

Basically, the Duke wanted to kidnap or otherwise harm Chanticleer so he couldn't do his job, and it would be night all the time (or something like that, I haven't seen it in years, gimme a break).
I got high off this shit. Seriously, just watching the above video makes me lightheaded and giddy. But what makes this so different from any other animated movie I liked as a child was the fact that there were no toys based on the characters. At all. Actually, I'm not sure if there were, but I definitely didn't see any. I don't even think they had a fast food tie-in to market it. But the fact that I could love a movie so much at this age and not be able to make my own stories involving the characters spoke measures as to how much I liked this film. I even disliked Elvis (and still do), and that opening song still brings a smile to my face.

Fluke (1995)I just watched the second half of this movie last night on STARZ at 1:30 in the morning. Though I'm not entirely sure why a family movie would be playing so damn late at night, it still prompted me to write this post today. It follows Fluke, a golden retriever with the personality and memories of a human. Essentially, Fluke used to be a husband and father in a past life, and begins to remember some details about his family that make him want to find them. Oh, and Samuel L. Jackson is in it, along with Hellboy's Ron Perlman. It's a cute movie, and they didn't attempt to make it terrible by making the animal's mouths move. Taking that into consideration, it was basically Homeward Bound with just the two dogs and a religious undertone. Weird.
It is strikingly similar to Jack Frost (the non-horror one) too, even down to the father's death (dying in a car accident). But Fluke was made first, so I guess Jack Frost ripped it off.

The Iron Giant (1999)I love this movie so much. Directed by Brad Bird (who has now moved on to Pixar and has directed The Incredibles and Ratatouille) and starring Harry Connick Jr. and Jennifer Anniston, it looks and feels way ahead of its time.
Set in 1957, it follows a sci-fi obsessed boy named Hogarth who discovers a giant robot from an alien planet. The robot remembers nothing of his past, and is something of a gentle giant. Hogarth's small town is soon occupied by the US government, specifically by an agent named Kent Mansley. Mansley becomes suspicious of Hogarth, and everything unravels from there.
As a kid, this movie was amongst my favorites. It taught me things about the era and such, rather than dumbing things down for me. Even today, this remains one of my absolute favorite movies. I introduced my brother to it and now he enjoys it as well. It is one of the better-made half-digital, half-drawn animated features, made during a time when animation companies were just beginning to utilize this technology. It is a truly underrated and wonderful movie.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that Vin Diesel voices the robot. So remember, if you need anyone to grunt in to a microphone like a robot, Vin is your man. Figures.

I found The Iron Giant for $5 a few months ago, and nearly shat myself. I must track down these other two on DVD. I have to own them, and relive my childhood. Fluke is on TV all the time for some reason, but I haven't seen hide nor hair of Rock-A-Doodle since the good 'ol days. Next time I go into work though, I'll be sure to rent and write about it (assuming we have it).
If you guys liked this post, let me know. I want to do a second one about We're Back!, Cats Don't Dance, and Warriors of Virtue. But I'll only do it if you guys are interested. Let me know using the ratings system or comments.

Fuckle

2008-11-19T13:16:00.005-07:00

On a semi-regular basis, my friends and I come up with words that we believe should be added to the dictionary (or at the very least, Urban Dictionary). One of these words is fuckle. A few weeks ago, Vance said that "fuckle" is the funniest word ever concieved, and just saying or typing it can put you in a fit of laughter. I completely second this sentiment, and am cheered up instantly whenever I hear it.
Though it already has a page on Urban Dictionary, our definition fits the word better, having nothing to do with fucking and cuddling. No, a fuckle to Vance and I is this:

fuckle (adj) -
1. A terrible situation brought on by sexual exploits.
2. When a situation is made worse by sexual misconduct.

Context:
"Jim found himself in quite the fuckle after his girlfriend walked in on him having sex with her mother."
"Frank fuckled himself over when he slapped Betty's ass at work on Wednesday."

See? Fuckle can be used in many situations. But always remember that the "horrible situation" HAS to be sexual in nature, even if only slightly.
I hope you all will start using this word regularly.

Evil Dead: part 1 of 4: The first movie

2008-11-18T19:10:00.001-07:00

This is a new 4-part series of posts about my second-favorite film franchise of all time, Evil Dead. They won't be posted consecutively, but rather over a period of a few weeks.

In all genres of film there is always one series of movies that stand out as the face of said genre. Science fiction has Star Wars. Fantasy has Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter (depending on your age). Action movies have Indiana Jones. But in the small, fantastic genre of "zomcom" movies (a term meaning "zombie comedy") there is only one definitive trilogy:Sam Raimi's Evil Dead series. Like I said above, this trilogy of movies changed the way people looked at zombie films, essentially creating a new genre.
But I'm here to talk about the first movie and the first movie only. In 1980, a fresh-faced 22 year-old actor named Bruce Campbell started shooting a movie with his friend Sam Raimi and Sam's brother Ted.

Premise (click here for the IMDb page)
The film centers around five University of Michigan students that are going to a cabin in the woods for the weekend. As they settle into the abandoned cabin, they start to find things from its previous owner, including an old leather-bound book and tape recorder. Unwisely, the leader of the group, Ashley "Ash" Williams (played by Campbell), decides to play the tape that was left in the recorder, and it begins reciting passages from said book.
The book, covered in human skin, turns out to be the book of the dead; or the only way to bring bodies back to life. After the tape recites some of the verses in the book, an evil spirit in the woods outside starts stirring. Soon, members of their troupe are posessed, maimed, or otherwise hurt. I (obviously) won't spoil it for those of you that haven't seen the movie, but shit goes down, and it has one of the most brutal ending scenes ever.

Production
The Raimi brothers and Campbell put together a short film called Within the Woods to show to potential production agencies. It was shot on 8 MM film and shown to a few, and one picked it up. They were given a few months to record their film, along with a bunch of no-name actors and $120,000. After a year and a half of shooting in the woods of Tennessee, spending $375,000, and replacing every actor on set (besides Campbell, of course), they released their movie. Given an NC-17 rating and banned in many countries, I'm sure they had no idea that the cheap, corny film that they made for fun would soon become a world-famous cult classic.

Fun facts (some found on Wikipedia, some on IMDb, some on Neatorama)
-The cabin used in the film was actually an abandoned cabin in the woods, and was burned down shortly after filming. Sam Raimi claims that he did it, whilst Bruce Campbell hasn't said a word. There is a box buried in the vicinity of the burned-down cabin, and is said to contain props and notes from the cast. No one in the production has revealed the former location of the cabin, but Raimi claims fans keep stealing bricks from the old chimney.
-During some of the "possession" scenes, creamed corn dyed green was zombie guts; corn syrup, coffee creamer, and food coloring was blood; 2% milk was "zombie barf," and Alpo dog food was meat and other forms of viscera.
-The car in the movie is Sam Raimi's own, a green 1973 Oldsmobile Delta. He has since incorporated it into every movie he's made.
-The movie is banned to be shown theatrically in Germany, and 16 minutes were cut from it when it was originally released. It was finally released uncut on DVD in 2001, 21 years after it was originally released. It is also one of the first movies to be rated "video nasty" in the UK, and is still banned in over ten countries.
-Since the movie took so long to finish, every actor besides Campbell was bored with the project by the time it was released. They had to hire a bunch of people as stand-in actors for scenes when Ash would be talking to someone whose head or body was still in the shot.
-Stephen King lists Evil Dead as one of his favorite movies of all time, and was a frontrunner in the fight against censoring it in other countries.
-The movie was originally titled The Book of the Dead, but the producer didn't want people to think the movie had any sort of literary value.
-When the tape is being played, "Sam and Rob, Das ist Hikers Dan dee Roadsa" is said. It actually means "Sam and Rob are the hikers on the road" in Latin, referring to the opening scene in which Sam Raimi and producer Robert Tapert are hitchhiking on the road the kids are driving on.

Expect part 2 of these posts (about the sequel) to be posted in a week or two. And don't forget to give me feedback using the check boxes below.

Zune advertisement

2008-11-18T13:15:00.003-07:00

No way is this real. No fucking way.
But it had to be posted. It's too interesting, funny, and original. Wait, Microsoft did something original for once? They didn't attempt to swipe back at Apple by using an identical ad campaign? Or recruiting Jerry Seinfeld for some odd reason?
Like I said, too good to be true.

Found on Geekologie.

Irrelevance (#7)

2008-11-15T08:08:00.003-07:00

These posts look so bland without a header. Blah.

3-disc DVD's
A few days ago, my manager at Blockbuster and I were talking about DVDs. I brought up that a lot of movies have been getting the "3-disc" treatment lately, and he commented on how pointless he thought it was (essentially). Now, I'm a special features whore as far as DVDs go, but I find my self in agreeance with him.
The DVDs that have been "3-disc'd" as far as I know are Hot Fuzz, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Incredible Hulk, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, WALL-E, and two or three others. Special effects behemoths like Hellboy, WALL-E and Hulk deserve this sort of thing, but do we really need so many special features on Forgetting Sarah Marshall? What could be so great about the production of the movie that warrants 3 whole discs? I don't get it.
Also, did you know that having an apostrophe after CD's is grammatically correct, while having an apostrophe after DVDs isn't? I know the apostrophe is used to discern the letters and such, but you'd think the rule would be the same for both, no?

Ferro Rocher
I LOVE Ferro Rocher chocolates. More than anything. More than Toblerone, even. These creamy, hazelnut-filled, hazelnut-coated treats are fucking delicious. At one point in time, I thought I had developed an allergy to hazelnuts after a bad experience with some Nutella making my throat close up, but I guess that wasn't the culprit. But when I thought it was, I was devastated. These candies are fucking amazing. Get some, especially since candy is so low-priced at the moment. I picked up a 12-pack for $2.50 the other day, compared to the usual $5 price tag. I love economic disasters.
I really, really wonder how they get hazelnuts over every square millimeter of the ball, without having a flattened bottom. I imagine they use some sort of rotating wheel apparatus, with lots of chopped hazelnuts. Probably, since that's how they coat gummi worms in sour stuff.

Who would win in a fight?
Yesterday at work, a few associates and I were making up hypothetical fights between fictional characters. A couple of the matches are as followed (with our consensus in bold):

Batman VS. Wolverine
James Bond VS. John McClain
Dumbledore VS. Gandalf (It was a tie. I think Dumbledore, but I hate LOTR.)

There were about 30 more, but these are the best.
One of the managers, Ryan, then pointed out that Batman could beat anyone, as long as he knew they were coming, and had time to prepare. If they snuck up on him however, it would all depend on the person he was fighting, and what he happened to have in his utility belt that day. If you think about it, EVERYONE has a weakness. He just happens to be creative in his methods of finding it.
You can say it, we are nerds. But proud nerds.

Stupidity
It seems like everywhere I've been looking over the last few days, unintelligence reigns supreme. For instance, I drove by a dentist's office yesterday that is famously closed on Fridays (and says so on the front door), only to see a twentysomething guy standing out front with his shirt pulled up to his mouth, probably attempting to stop his teeth or gums from bleeding. He then proceeded to call what I can only assume to be the very dentist's office he was standing in front of.
Shit like this makes me so sad.

The best of en-tur-tain-munt (part 4)

2008-11-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I've had the blog for 4 1/2 months now, and it's been quite the ride. Another "best of" segment means that I (and my three former writers) have written 200 posts total. Seems like a big number, doesn't it? For 137 days, that isn't all that bad. An average of what, 1.4 posts a day? I'm proud of it. This blog is my child.

Now that I'm getting misty-eyed, let's get into it.

Ongoing series
An exercise in ridiculousness (1) (2)
Irrelevance (2) (3) (4) (5) (6)
Mini movie reviews (1) (2) (3) (4)
Ridiculosity: A Lifetime of the Unabashedly Bizarre (1) (2)

Food
Steven Segal's Lightning Bolt: Cherry Charge
Mozzerella Stick & Marinara flavored Pringles
Hungry Howie's Howie Bread
Ol' Glory Energy Drink
"4 Cheese" Doritos

Music
Why I hate mainstream music (rock) (country) (rap)

Comics
Brute Force
en-tur-tain-munt's top ten graphic novels (1) (2)
Top 5 underrated superheroes (in no order)

Other
Javelina attack!
IDEA: Rainbow Polaroids
Halloween candy-giving
A letter to PETA
Small Soldiers
Our generation
Will Smith

For the other "best of" segments, click here for number one, here for number two, and here for number three.

Mini movie reviews (#4)

2008-11-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

City of EmberDirected by Gil Kenan
Starring Harry Treadaway, Saoirse Ronan, Bill Murray, and Tim Robbins

Released in 2008
Rated PG
Good: Visually appealing, stayed pretty close to the book (at least, as far as I remember).
Bad: Bill Murray's talent feels wasted. The film feels like it could have been so much better if it tried. There isn't one attractive person in the entire movie.
Rating: 3.5/10

The PromotionDirected by Steve Conrad
Starring Seann William Scott, John C. Reilly, Fred Armisen, Jenna Fischer
Released in 2008

Rated R
Good: The first time since American Pie that Scott has been watchable. Reilly takes a different turn from his usually-retarded roles. Masi Oka and Jason Bateman have funny, tiny roles too. Oh, and the "racist" scene was one of the funniest things I've seen in a while.
Bad: Somewhat predictable storyline, and the reoccurring jokes were a bit overdone.
Rating: 7/10

War, Inc.Directed by Joshua Seftel
Starring John Cusack, Hilary Duff, Marisa Tomei, Joan Cusack, Dan Aykroyd, and Ben Kingsley
Released in 2008
Rated R
Good: I may get made fun of for saying this, but Hilary Duff is fucking sexy. John Cusack is lovable, as always, but feels like he's being held back. I was impressed by the action scenes.
Bad: For having such a star-studded cast, it feels underdone. Also, there wasn't enough of Hilary's perfect abdomen. It was basically a better, slightly smarter version of Idiocracy.
Rating: 5/10

Top 5 underrated superheroes (in no order)

2008-11-13T14:58:00.001-07:00

I know, I know, another post about comics. Sorry if you aren't into them. "Regularly scheduled programming" will continue soon.

In both the Marvel and DC universes, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of superheroes and supervillans. So many, that a lot fall through the cracks. While all of the heroes that I am writing about today are mid to low-level in popularity, I assure you there are a lot more that are out there. Let's get on with it, shall we?
Warning: Some spoilers ahead

Shazam! (formerly Captain Marvel)Company: Fawcett Comics, now DC
Real name: Billy Batson
Year introduced: 1940
Biography: When grade-school aged boy Billy Batson utters the word "Shazam!" he is magically transformed into an adult superhero with a slew of abilities. Having super-strength, stamina, intelligence, speed, courage, and wisdom, he is almost identical to Superman. Which is why DC comics sued his original creators in the 40's and 50's, and now own the rights to him. Anyways, he is definitely one of the more powerful heroes in the DC universe, and held his own in a fight against Superman in '06.
In comics: Although he may not be the most popular hero on the market, DC has been trying to revive interest in him for some time now, most recently with his appearances in Alex Ross' Kingdom Come and Bone creator Jeff Smith's four-part miniseries Shazam! and the Monster Society of Evil (which I recommend you all read).
In media: There have been rumors of a big-screen adaptation for about a year now, with an unnamed actor playing Shazam! and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson playing his villain, Black Adam. He was on Justice League Unlimited once, fighting Superman. He also appears in the new video game "Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe" as a playable character.

Black PantherCompany: Marvel
Real name: T'Challa
Year introduced: 1966
Biography: Once prince and now king of the fictional, technologically advanced African nation of Wakanda, the Black Panther has one of the most interesting back stories of any superhero in existence. Having Wolverine-like senses of smell and hearing, a genius level of intelligence, as well as being a perfectly-tuned fighting and gymnastics machine, he is one of the more powerful members of the Avengers. Since 2006, he has been married to the X-Men member Storm, and both replaced Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman as members of the Fantastic Four for a short time.
In comics: While most people would view him as a way for Marvel to get black people into comics, I don't. He faces huge problems as a monarch and a superhero, often mistreating one job in favor of the other. He has had several different series named after him over the years, and was the first black superhero to do so. He was part of Marvel's Marvel Knights story arc in 2001.
He also played a huge part in Marvel Zombies, as Giant-Man's source of food, and possible saviour of the human race.
Lately, T'Challa has been chummy with the vampire hunter Blade and the impervious Luke Cage. His newest comic series is very, very good.
In media: Wesley Snipes has been attached to the movie version of the Black Panther since the early 90's, wanting to fill the role as well as direct. Isn't ruining one Marvel superhero enough, Blade?
He was also a playable character in Marvel: Ultimate Alliance.

Elongated ManCompany: DC
Real name: Ralph Dibny
Year introduced: 1960
Biography: Ah, Elongated Man. A super-stretchy man who was overshadowed by the likes of Marvel's Mr. Fantastic and DC's Plastic Man. Able to stretch his body to ridiculous lengths, change his shape, and withstand lots of firepower, he is a force to be reckoned with. Good-natured and intelligent, his attitude is a throwback to the Silver Age of comics, when everything was perfect and no superhero had any flaws.
In addition to his powers, he is also an accomplished detective. When he senses something isn't right in a case he is working on, his nose twitches, leading him to investigate further. The only hero in the DC universe with more solved cases than him is Batman.
In comics: Before Identity Crisis, Elongated Man had the world. A perfect home, perfect job, and a bright future. But the brutal murder of his wife, Sue, leaves him broken and brutal, as shown in DC's recent series 52. I won't go into the exact details of the situation, but the events of 52 leave his future unknown.
In media: He's been on the Justice League TV show a few times, being voiced by total badass Jeremy Piven.

Nightwing Company: DC
Real name: Dick Grayson
Year introduced: 1963
Biography: Nightwing is essentially Robin after he stopped being Robin. He doesn't have any superhuman abilities, but is skilled in gymnastics and other fighting techniques. He uses two blue batons to manipulate and fight villains, not unlike Daredevil. He also has an array of batarangs, and is a pessimistic, skilled detective, not unlike Batman.
In comics: He's had his own series for a while, and it isn't bad. Like I said above, he's essentially a Batman Jr. He talks, walks, and acts just like Bruce Wayne, minus the "rich playboy" bit. He plays a central role in The Dark Knight Strikes Again.
In media: He's been on nearly every show associated with Batman: Justice League Unlimited, The Batman, Teen Titans, Batman Beyond, and a few others. In the USA, there are a few rollercoasters named after him at Six Flags parks. He is also a playable character in the Lego Batman video game.

Iron Fist Company: Marvel
Real name: Danny Rand
Year introduced: 1974
Biography: Given mystical powers by a giant, molten heart that he punched, Danny Rand was transformed into the Iron Fist. While his back story is nothing special, Iron Fist himself is. He is a master of martial arts, able to heal others and himself, as well as be impervious to damage (at least, after he activates his powers). He has incredible strength, agility, and strength. But after deactivating his powers, he cannot function normally for a short time afterwards. Essentially, he gets worn out. During Civil War, he donned Daredevil's costume to "prove" to the public that Matt Murdock wasn't the superhero.
In comics: The Immortal Iron Fist, Marvel's ongoing series about the adventures of Danny Rand, is one of the best out there right now. I haven't personally read anything else he's been in, but this definitely sparked my interest.
In media: There is supposed to be an Iron Fist movie released pretty soon, with Ray Park (Darth Maul in Star Wars: Episode I, Toad in X-Men, Snake-Eyes in the upcoming G.I. Joe movie) as the hero. Rumors say that it will begin shooting in 2009.

Bonus hero!

Squirrel GirlCompany: Marvel
Real name: Doreen Green
Year introduced: 1991
Biography: She's a mutant whose power it is to talk to squirrels. Yep. Her two buddies are Monkey Joe and his successor, Tippy-Toe. I don't think much more needs to be said.

In comics: She infamously defeated Dr. Doom, and went on to defeat a (weakened) Deadpool. Just like that, she kicked the asses of two of my favorite comic book characters. So even if I don't like her for those two reasons, I now have to admit that she's underrated. The bitch.

In media: Nothing, besides a brief cameo on the shitty new Fantastic Four cartoon. Thank the lawd.

Expect a follow-up to this, with the top 5 underrated supervillans, pretty soon.

Will Smith

2008-11-13T10:29:00.004-07:00

When I was younger, I was obsessed with Will Smith. Anything this man was in, made, or had anything to do with, I loved. This was during the late 90's, when movies like Independence Day, Men In Black and Wild Wild West dominated the box office (along with any other "awkward white dude, cool black dude" comedies and "man vs. alien" films), and watching reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was actually legitimately cool.
In grade school, I had a Sony Walkman tape player that only played Smith's album Big Willy Style. It wasn't broken, I just didn't want to listen to anything else. And before you make fun of me for listening to that album, I'll have you know that it was number 8 on the Billboard Top 200 after it was released. So I wasn't alone in thinking this album was awesome (though the follow-up, Willenium, left something to be desired). I mean, just look at how awesome Will Smith is:He is the only person that I'd think would be able to punch me through the computer monitor. And that's awesome.

I remember when I was young, I would listen to the song "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It," and think Will was saying:
"only black chicks/rockin' my wick,"
when it was really him saying:
"only mad chicks/ride in my whips."
It struck me as odd, seeing as a wick isn't exactly a penis metaphor I would be dying to use, especially in a rap song. I'm glad I got that cleared up back then, otherwise I'd be asking women to "suck my wick." Sexy, isn't it?
I'm not really sure what point this post has, other than to say that I love Will, and I am/was terrible at comprehending the lyrics of rap songs by people that were in successful 90's sitcoms.

Mini movie reviews (#3)

2008-11-10T17:17:00.004-07:00

Wristcutters: A Love Story Directed by Goran Dukic

Starring Patrick Fugit, Shannyn Sossamon, Shea Whigam, and Tom Waits
Released in 2006

Rated R
Good: Definitely an interesting and semi-original premise. Patrick Fugit's acting skills have improved since Almost Famous, thankfully. Shannyn Sossamon is perhaps the most gorgeous woman in the entire world. The soundtrack is entirely by Gogol Bordello, and the funniest character (Eugene, masterfully played by Shea Whigam) is based on the lead singer.
Bad: The last 1/3 of the movie is bizarre. A bit too bizarre.
Rating: 8/10

Ghost Town Directed by David Koepp
Starring Ricky Gervais, Greg Kinnear, Tea Leoni
Released in 2008
Rated PG-13
Good: Greg Kinnear is awesome, as always. Tea Leoni is cute, and Gervais is mildly funny (though not at his best).
Bad: The ending was terrible. A barely-above-average romantic comedy. Not much else needs to be said.
Rating: 6/10

Kung Fu Panda (second viewing) Directed by Mark Osborne and John Stevenson
Starring Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, David Cross, Angelina Jolie, Lucy Liu, Seth Rogen, Jackie Chan, and Ian McShane
Released in 2oo8
Rated PG
Good: Fantastic voice acting done by all (especially Black and Hoffman). Cute, exaggerated animation. The action scenes are beautifully done.
Bad: Big-name stars like Angelina, Jackie, and Seth don't get nearly enough screen (or "vocal") time. Some of the jokes seem overused in animated children's flicks.

Rating: 7.5/10

State of the blog: November 9, 2008

2008-11-09T15:50:00.002-07:00

I'm not sure how long this will last, but I've decided that this will be my last post on a weekend for a while. Don't worry, the weekdays will have at least one update per day. It turns out that my computer is completely fried, and I need a new one. After that, I'll be out of this strange rut I've been in as of late. I promise.

Thank you all for the good feedback on the "graphic novels" posts. They took ages to put together, write, and publish, so it's good news that you all liked them. I have another one planned, this time for non-superhero graphic novels. It should be posted before the end of November, if things go as planned. I have a few other "big posts" planned as well, so get excited for those.

Speaking of feedback, I've added a neat new Blogger feature that lets you all rate my posts on a scale from 1-5. Of course, 5 is the best, 1 is the worst, 3 means average. This will help me understand what everyone likes, so that I can start taking the blog in that direction.

I have something really interesting planned for the entire month of December. I haven't really worked it all out yet, but I can tell you this: it'll be a massive countdown of the top things of the year. Not good or bad, per se, but just "things." I'm pretty sure I'll try to do one entry for every weekday in December, making it a top 20 list. If anyone can think of a neat title for these posts (and maybe make me a header for it?), that would be great. I want something catchy, like "en-tur-tain-munt's 2008: the year shit went down." Cute, isn't it?

Now, I'm going to be like the MythBusters, and beg you all for ideas. I'm nearing 200 posts, and am getting sort of low on things to write about (that, or my ideas have already been written about, and I don't want to step on the toes of whomever originally wrote whatever it is I want to write about). I have around 30-40 more posts written down, but only add to my list about three times a week. Math geniuses will realize that sooner or later, I'll be shit outta luck. So please, please e-mail me, comment me, call me, send me a letter; ANYTHING, to give me ideas. If I like them, I'll obviously credit you with the idea when I post it.

And finally, I would absolutely love it if someone out there that reads the blog would help me with advertising. I don't care if you buy a billboard on Route 66 or post a single bulletin about it on Myspace, anything goes. I want this child of mine to be as big and bad as it possibly can be, and I need all of your guys' help for that. Thank you.

Oh, and once I start working, I'll be buying a domain name (but still publishing on Blogger). They are only $10 per year, it turns out. Then I might open up a store of some sort for stickers, shirts, and other shit, so you can consumeristically show your love for the little guy. Cool, eh?

Irrelevance (#6)

2008-11-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

Someone make me a header for these. Please?

RC Cola About five weeks ago, I was over at Vance's house, chillin' like you know we do, and he asked me if I wanted anything to drink. I asked him what he had, and he replied with the usual "Mountain Dew." But to my surprise, the sentence didn't end there. He tacked on three more words, and those words were "And some RC." I was baffled. Flabbergasted, even. I hadn't seen much of RC since I lived with my dad in a semi-shitty apartment complex. I used to go down to the community pool from the third story, just to enjoy an ice-cold RC. Yep, that's how shitty the apartments were. We didn't have a Coke machine, we had an RC machine. But hey, I wasn't complaining. At least, not until after we moved out of those apartments. Since then, I had only seen RC in shady supermarkets and in soda dispensers, which always seemed to be sold out of this now-rare beverage. I wasn't quite sure why, until I re-tried it those few short weeks ago. RC tastes like TAB, if TAB wasn't absolute shit. It's uncommonly good. Now, it seems that it may have replaced Coke as my carbonated beverage of choice. Since our local store has started selling it (which explained Vance having it), I've been flying through one 12-pack a week. It's that good.

Colored DVD cases
I'm not entirely sure why, but when I buy a movie that has a colored case, I get really excited. It doesn't really matter what color it is, as long as it is something other than the dull, bland black that they usually use. There is just something about looking at all of my DVD's from the top and seeing colored ones randomly sprinkled in. My Edward Scissorhands DVD, for instance, has a silver box. My Death Cab For Cutie documentary has a clear one. It makes me giddy, imagining them right now.
I'm the exact same way with colored vinyl records too. Maybe I don't like the color black. Or maybe not, considering I voted for Obama. Oh, I know! I like things that aren't bland and generic!

Wifebeaters
Change the name of this shirt, you assholes. I don't want to be thinking of a woman getting her ass kicked every time I see a douchebag in one of these. I suppose it is named after a big part of their clientele, but still. It's offensive, like naming a sports team after a racist term (yeah you, Washington Redskins): you just don't do it. Ever. You don't see me calling a rope a "negrohanger," do you?
But I do have this to say: put any semi-attractive woman in a tank top/wifebeater, and she'll instantly be incredibly sexy. No joke.

en-tur-tain-munt's top ten graphic novels (part 2)

2008-11-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

These two posts took forever to write, so please take my advice and read at least one of these books. I don't care if you buy them, steal them, or take them from a library, just read them. A few of them are even loved by people that don't enjoy comics (such as my #1 choice).

#5 - Fallen Son: The Death of Captain America (originally published in 2007)In the aftermath of Civil War, Marvel grew some balls and killed one of the greatest superheroes of all time, Captain America. Widely regarded as the only "no turning back" event after Civil War, it sent a catalyst through the industry, making headlines nationwide. The follow-up to his death is chronicled here, through four different heroes and both Avengers teams. It is essentially Captain America's obituary, with each hero paying respect in their own separate way. My personal favorite part is when Wolverine threatens to kill Iron Man if he finds out that he had anything to do with Cap's assassination. It's gritty, depressing, and it was a fantastic swan song for America's greatest hero.

#4 - Identity Crisis (originally published in 2004)When Elongated Man's wife Sue Dibny is murdered with suspicious burn marks all over her body, the Justice League of America tries to catch her killer. Their first target is Dr. Light, whom it turns out raped Mrs. Dibny a few years previous (on the JLA's own satellite, no less!). The ensuing mess of lies and deceit is one that is one that is already legendary. This is another book that shows the human side of not-so-human characters.
This is exactly what Civil War should have been. A series with two separate sides, a very human-feeling storyline, and fantastic resolution; told over the course of seven issues.

#3 - Spider-Man: Birth of Venom (originally published in 1988)Nothing needs to be said here, other than this: Spider Man 3 got it wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong.

#2 - Batman: The Dark Knight Strikes Again (originally published in 2001-2002)It was so difficult for me to write about just two Batman books, since there are so many good ones out there, but this one is hands-down the best one. Set in a non-canon Batman universe, it is the sequel to Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (which is also an amazing read). Drawn by the ever-famous Frank Miller (who wrote the Sin City graphic novels), it continues the future he created in the first volume. Bruce Wayne, now pushing 60, teams up with former-Robin-and-now-Catgirl Carrie to take down the president of the United States, Lex Luthor. Containing cameos by DC heavyweights such as Superman, the Flash, Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, Plastic Man, and Elongated Man, it serves mind-blowing scenario after mind-blowing scenario. I suggest you get both, but this one is better. I'm somewhat alone on this opinion (or so the internet tells me), but like I said, get both.

#1 - Watchmen (originally published in 1986-1987)Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons' creation is a modern-day masterpiece. Set in an alternate version of the mid-80's in New York City, a team of disbanded superheroes is brought back together when one of their former members, the Comedian, is murdered. The story then unfolds, when it was revealed that the reason they disbanded a few years previous was because the government wanted to register superheroes (amongst other things), and some disagreed with that (does that sound familiar, Civil War?). As the murder mystery unravels, so do the revelations of the team's past. I'm not going to ruin the flawless ending, but let me just say this: Rorschach, Nite Owl and Doctor Manhattan are some of the most layered superheroes I have ever seen. They are some of my favorites, and they aren't even in the usual DC canon. In my opinion, what makes Watchmen so great is that Moore and Gibbons created six superheroes from scratch, not using any pre-existing ones to build upon. And they mold the characters into seemingly real people, giving them distinct personalities, traits, and mannerisms. All in twelve issues. Some heroes spend decades being molded into what they should be; but Moore is so much different. He's a born storyteller. And this is the greatest story he's ever told. This is not only the best graphic novel of all time, but one of the best books of all time.
The movie adaptation is set to release this upcoming March. It is directed by 300's Zack Snyder.

I know I've left a lot of essentials out, such as the Age of Apocalypse saga, Secret Wars, Infinite Crisis, House of M, 52, and a few others, but I wanted to make this easy-to-swallow, for people that are somewhat into comics, or want to start reading them. Someday I'll write one for the already existing fans, I promise.

Mini movie reviews (#2)

2008-11-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

I've decided to put movies on here that I re-watch, as well as new ones. I'll write what number viewing it is of the movie (if applicable), and I won't do the same movie twice (of course).
I would still like a header for these posts. They feel bland without them. Come on people, flex your creative muscles.

Ratings:
1 - Horrible; one of the worst movies ever.
2 - Terrible.
3 - Really bad.
4 - Below average.
5 - Average.
6 - Above average.
7 - Good.
8 - Really good.
9 - Amazing; near-perfect.
10 -Absolutely flawless; one of my favorite films.

Cashback

Directed by Sean Ellis
Starring Sean Biggerstaff and Emilia Fox
Released in 2006
Rated R
Good: Sean Biggerstaff (Ben) is a good actor; and Emilia Fox (Sharon) plays the perfect girl next door. The storyline was slightly slow, but very, very well-written. Also, tons of nudity (though not sexual).
Bad: Somewhat predictable ending, and there wasn't enough of Ben's douchebag coworkers.
Rating: 9/10

28 Days Later (fourth viewing) Directed by Danny Boyle
Starring Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris, and Brendan Gleeson
Released in 2002
Rated R
Good: Finally, a zombie film that seems entirely likely. Great acting, great script, and he score is one of the best in recent memory. One of the best zombie movies ever.
Bad: The ending, simply put.
Rating: 9.5/10

The Foot Fist Way Directed by Jody Hill
Starring Danny McBride, Ben Best, and Mary Jane Bostic
Released in 2006
Rated R
Good: Danny McBride has good comedic timing, at least in the few instances where I was laughing. I noticed that while watching this movie, I was either laughing really hard or not at all (90% of the time it was the second one).
Bad: It tried far too hard to be an awkward indie comedy (like Napoleon Dynamite). Most of the "jokes" can't really be considered jokes, because they aren't even funny.
Rating: 5.5/10

Forgetting Sarah MarshallDirected by Nicolas Stoller
Starring Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, and Russel Brand
Released in 2008
Rated R (unless you count the "unrated" DVD version, which is what I watched)
Good: Jason Segel is shameless. Original comedy, especially coming from Russel Brand (who plays the dickhead rock star). Mila Kunis is one of the most attractive females on the planet. Will Hader and Jonah Hill have small but funny roles as well.
Bad: Though the jokes themselves were original, it felt nearly identical to some of the other comedies these dudes have been releasing lately. Still fucking hilarious though.
Rating: 8/10

Our generation

2008-11-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

Since my computer has been acting up, I've been biking to the library each and every day to write, read my email, and work on assignments for my online classes. My local library has a shitload of computers, and I'm currently people-watching these two 12 year-old boys in the row in front of me watch a YouTube video of a bunch of "funny pictures." Full screen. With lots and lots of cartoon nudity. Since I sat down seven minutes ago, they have watched no less than four of these montages. Oh wait, it seems they took a step up and are now watching a video of an EXTREMELY obese woman in a blue bikini dance in what looks like a kitchen. And now a video of an equally obese woman sitting. Or lounging, whichever you prefer. Ooh, back to the photo montages, this time it's pictures of ugly animals. I am extremely impressed by their mature senses of humor, especially since they are nearly crying laughing. And I love how the one holding the mouse has to point the arrow thingy at what would be deemed "funny" in each photo, as if he needs to point it out to his comrade. Yes, in the time it took me to type out those sentences, they watched all of these videos. I didn't sit here and wait for them to change, they did it themselves, and at that speed.
And it makes me wonder: why the fuck does our generation need to be constantly entertained? Is television, cinema, music, books, magazines, newspapers, and the like not enough for us? It may seem tad hypocritical of me to say something like this, especially since I just rented three movies to watch today and tomorrow (on top of the other two I need to watch that I own), but still. If I don't whine about it, who will?
Oh, and now they are watching a montage of demented faces and stuff. Awesome. Photo montages on YouTube are the equivalent of photo albums of ".::FUNNI PICZ::." on Myspace. You aren't funny because you post funny things that you didn't make. Be original, douchebag.

Man, this was an asshole post. But it needed to come out.

en-tur-tain-munt's top ten graphic novels (part 1)

2008-11-06T13:25:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I was talking to Vance about graphic novels. He brought up an "essentials" list that he had been making for someone he knows. Well, I decided to do that as well. After hours of sitting over a notebook and weighing the options, I present...(Yes, the shitty graphic was done in MS Paint by yours truly)
Now, I have some rules here. There are only "superhero" comics represented, and each hero is allowed no more than two spots on this list. Other than that, anything goes. The titles of the books will be links to their Amazon pages. Some of the entries contain spoilers.

#10 - Civil War (originally published in 2006-2007) If I'm being completely honest, the only reason that this is on here is because people that usually don't give a shit about comics made such a big deal about it, and it made the Marvel universe what it is today. The first four issues of this seven-part comics event were the best; then it simply fell apart. The heroes were divided after a one team caused the deaths of thousands that the U.S. government demanded they register their real names with them. Iron Man backed the government, and Captain America (shockingly) backed the rebellion. This had so much potential to be one of the most epic things to ever happen in comics history, and it failed. Miserably. Even worse, Marvel's recent attempts at trying to pick up the pieces (with Spider-Man's "Brand New Day," and the like) have been greatly disappointing. Read this knowing full well that it may have ruined Marvel's once-perfect reputation for the next few years. Such a pity.

#9 - Iron Man: Demon in a Bottle (originally published in 1979)The reason this story is still relevant today is because it showed that heroes weren't only weak to villains. It showed an "average Joe" side of Iron Man, AKA Tony Stark, who weathers a shitstorm like no other in the first few pages of this book, and tries to wash it all away with alcohol. It made the character seem real and multi-dimensional, something that hadn't really been done in comics before. Even better, his once-rampant alcoholism effects his character today. This is also rumored to be the basis for 2010's Iron Man 2.

#8 - Spider-Man: Kraven's Last Hunt (originally published in 1987)I have a soft spot for Kraven, which is why this is on here. Though he is the Steve Irwin of the Marvel universe, I still love him. Frustrated with his fruitless attempts to capture and/or kill Spider-Man, Kraven begins going insane, and hatches a scheme that ends up putting Spider-Man in the grave. After doing so, he goes even more insane, donning Spider-Man's costume and catching criminals (including the "uncatchable" Vermin). The real Spider-Man ends up escaping from his tranquilizer-induced dirt nap and confronting Kraven, who ends his own life because he has nothing left to hunt (or prove). This story was one that made it okay for comics to have themes of suicide and insanity. This book broke new ground, not unlike Demon in a Bottle.

#7 - Marvel Zombies (originally published in 2005-2006)Ah yes, Marvel Zombies. A good idea that was made better by fantastic writing, interesting art, amazing covers (based on famous Marvel covers from the past), and an absolutely fucked up "friendship" (between Ant-Man and Black Panther). The premise is pretty straightforward: most superheroes in the world have been infected with a virus that makes them hunger for human flesh, all while retaining their personalities and powers. It just goes to show you that alternate universes are awesome, when done right.
If you like this, check out all of the others: Marvel Zombies: Dead Days (the prequel), Marvel Zombies 2 (the sequel), Marvel Zombies VS. Army of Darkness (amazing crossover), and the recently-published Marvel Zombies 3 (which I haven't read yet, surprisingly).

#6 - Batman: The Long Halloween (originally published in 1996-1997)When you have a team like Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale writing and drawing your comic event, you know it'll be good. This 13-part series was essentially a murder mystery, starring a new villain named "Holiday," who kills seemingly unrelated people on...holidays. It also shows how Harvey Dent became Two-Face, something that hadn't really been touched on before. It also stars many of Batman's villains, including the Joker, Scarecrow, and Catwoman. It also shaped Gotham police commissioner Jim Gordon into the character he is today. The ending is absolutely amazing (almost poetic and beautiful), and has sparked many, many debates and theories amongst comics fans. Parts of this book were unsurprisingly taken to make this summer's best movie, The Dark Knight.
If you like this, read the sequel: Batman: Dark Victory. It's almost as good (but not quite). Also, read the Alan Moore-written Batman: The Killing Joke. It also inspired the movie.

Tomorrow, I'll be posting the top five. Get excited!

"pity this busy monster,manunkind" by e.e. cummings

2008-11-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not really a fan of poetry. Being the writer that I am and plan to be, it is the one form of literature that I was unable to convince myself to like...until now.
Since I'm in a college literature class, I have to read a shitload of poems. From modern-day classics to centuries-old scribbles; we cover them all. Recently, I had to read the following poem:

pity this busy monster, manunkind,

not. Progress is a comfortable disease:
your victim (death and life safely beyond)

plays with the bigness of his littleness
--- electrons deify one razorblade
into a mountainrange; lenses extend
unwish through curving wherewhen till unwish
returns on its unself.
A world of made
is not a world of born --- pity poor flesh

and trees, poor stars and stones, but never this
fine specimen of hypermagical

ultraomnipotence. We doctors know

a hopeless case if --- listen: there's a hell
of a good universe next door; let's go

This poem is one of the best written things I've ever read. e.e. cummings is a genius. I suggest you look him up on Wikipedia.
Oh, and this poem was written in 1944. Yeah.

Congrats to Obama

2008-11-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

I voted for Obama yesterday, of course. It felt nice to voice my opinion, even if I live in his former opponent's home state. McCain almost lost us though. That would have been terribly embarrassing.
Anyways, congrats to Obama for winning and giving an amazing speech last night. And congratulations are in order for McCain and Palin, for trying their hardest.

Mini movie reviews (#1)

2008-11-03T13:26:00.001-07:00

Since I now work at Blockbuster, I'll be renting and watching a lot of new-to-DVD movies. Never leaving a stone unturned, I figured I'd start a new section so that I can review each movie in a small blurb. Each review will be under one middle school-length paragraph (four to six sentences), in two sections (Good and Bad). I'm not going to go over any plot points or post a synopsis, but the titles of the movie will be linked to the IMDb page. There will be two to four movies per post. The ratings I will go by are as follows:

1 - Horrible; one of the worst movies ever.
2 - Terrible.
3 - Really bad.
4 - Below average.
5 - Average.
6 - Above average.
7 - Good.
8 - Really good.
9 - Amazing; near-perfect.
10 -Absolutely flawless; one of my favorite films.

Be Kind Rewind Directed by Michel Gondry
Starring Jack Black, Mos Def, and Danny Glover
Released in 2008
Rated PG-13
Good: The "Sweded" movie remakes were incredible (the Ghostbusters one was the best, as was the little bit you see from the Men In Black one). The girl in this movie was pretty cute as well. Mos Def played a pretty lovable character.
Bad: Jack Black's character was incredibly annoying and obnoxious at times. There weren't enough of their "Sweded" movie remakes at all. The last quarter of the movie could have been used for this, rather than what it was really used for.
Rating: 6.5/10

Pathology

Directed by Marc Scholermann
Starring Milo Ventimiglia, Michael Weston, and Alyssa Milano
Released in 2008
Rated R
Good: Milo is a good actor, and shows it here (and on Heroes). It's a very sexy movie, with lots of violence; in the same vein as the Saw and Hostel movies. Plus it was written by Neveldine and Taylor, who wrote Crank. It was a lot better than I thought it would be.
Bad: It seemed to drag on a bit towards the middle. I wish Michael Weston's (from Chuck and House) character was developed more, because he seemed really interesting.
Rating: 7/10

Let me know what you think of this new section in the chat box.

RocknRolla

2008-11-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I was mildly surprised by Guy Richie's newest film attempt, RocknRolla. The director, best known for being married to (and currently being divorced from) Madonna, and film credits including Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, has been working on this movie for quite a while now, and I must say that it was worth the wait. I don't want this to turn into a "generic film review on a blog," so let me just interject with this: IT WAS COOL. Seriously, some of the scenes had me laughing my ass off, some of the scenes had me wanting to yell and scream at the screen in disbelief. It's one of those rare films (sort of like Snatch) that essentially takes you on an emotional rollercoaster by watching it. It's basically what I expected from Smokin' Aces. And I liked Smokin' Aces, so that's definitely saying something.

It follows a bunch of English gangster lowlifes in a group called "The Wild Ones" that is lead by the star of the movie, Gerard Butler's character, OneTwo. He wants to steal a bunch of money to pay back the city's crime kingpin, blah blah blah (enter amazing synopsis here). Butler's fantastic acting chops are flaunted in this film, especially during the scenes involving the two Russians. Trust me, hilarity ensues.
But I don't really want to talk about any other performances, except Toby Kebbell's fantastic, show-stealing one. His portrayal of a junkie rockstar, Johnny Quid, is one of the best performances of the year. Easily. Fast-talking and absolutely brilliant, Quid is what makes the sequel to this movie (titled The Real RocknRolla), and the alleged sequel to that (titled RocknRolla Suicide) sound like they will be amazing as well.
Reading over what I've just written, it sounds like a bunch of bullshit, and a typical Guy Richie film. And yes, it's definitely both of those things. But in the best way imaginable.

Irrelevance (#5)

2008-10-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

I know I just did one of these as my last "real" post, but they get a lot of good feedback, and I don't really have time to write a full-length post. Sorry.
Also, I would love it if someone would make me a banner for the beginning of these posts. It feels bland without them. Be creative.
I hope this post holds you all over for the next day or so.

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom HourglassSince the blog has been out of commission for a few days, I needed something to pass the time. Luckily, Kate let me borrow this game, and I've been playing it since. Like I said in the last post, I don't really play video games all that much, so it's sort of out of character for me. But this game is completely addicting, even if you aren't really a Zelda fan. I mean, I beat it in four days, but only because I couldn't put it down. I don't think my DS was turned off during my entire "adventure."
What I liked most about the game was that it uses every single one of the DS's capabilities. Whether it be blowing into the mic to snuff out candles, closing the DS to transfer something from one screen to the other, or using the touch pad to control Link, every base is touched. It's innovative in a way that DS games should have been innovative three years ago.
It makes me want to get the new Kirby game that came out recently. I love Nintendo.

Hymie's Basement I decided to download a few of Yoni Wolf's (from WHY?) many, many side projects, and was surprised at how much I liked Hymie's Basement. It is what WHY? would be if WHY? was a lo-fi, acid-ingesting band. The lyrics are bizarre, the music is sort of thrown together, and the vocals aren't the best, but everything compliments each other perfectly.
If you are actually going to take my advice, and download something by them, listen to "21st Century Pop Song" first. It's easily the best song on the album. Also, "Ben and Joey" is hilarious (and really short).

Apple juice
I fucking love apple juice, and no, I'm not under the age of eight. I've been drinking the stuff excessively lately, and I'm not sure why. Probably because it makes me pee a lot, and tastes awesome, but that's besides the point.
The weird part about my obsession is that I dislike apples. I wouldn't say I hate them, but I have the exact same problem with them that I do with potatoes: the way they feel when I eat them. It's like eating fine, worn-down sandpaper. I don't understand how people can do it. That, and every time I eat potatoes, I feel like it's going to get lodged in my throat.
But anyways, I dislike apples, but like apple juice. A lot. Weird, isn't it? Tree Top is the best brand, for the record.

House
A lot of people haven't liked this season of House for some reason. Why is this? You have an amazing cast (including the absolutely stunning Olivia Wilde), a lot of funny moments (including the "coke" scene in last night's episode), and House himself is more of a douchebag than ever. What's so terrible about it? Sure, you don't really see much of the original three cast anymore (well, maybe Foreman), but still. It's an awesome show nonetheless. Stop whining.

Blockbuster
A week ago, I had a "group interview" at a Blockbuster location several miles from my house. I lucked into a ride down there with my friend Ashley, and boy was it strange. I walked into the store, and there were about fifteen people standing around, not really looking at movies. The man at the front desk was busy with several customers, so I figured I'd wait until he was done with them to ask him about the interview. After pacing around the store and looking at the movies (but not really "looking" at them), he announced to the store that the interview would be in the back room. All but one or two people in the store suddenly turned in that direction and started making the great migration towards the door marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY" in the back. We all sat down in folding chairs around rectangular card tables, and the district manager started talking to us. Her name escapes me at the moment, but it was something semi-cutesy. She was a good-looking lady in her mid to late-thirties, and every so-called joke she told was followed by fits of nervous laughter from everyone in the room. Then came the awkward part. We had to volunteer to sell a nonexistent product or membership to someone around us, in total silence, with everyone staring at us. I, of course, didn't volunteer, but the people that did seemed like they were incredibly nervous while doing so. And this made me wonder: how can play-acting in front of a group of people show her how we'd act in a one-on-one situation? I'm perfectly comfortable selling a product to one person, but get really nervous in front of large groups (which is why my dream to be a comedian died out really quickly). It just doesn't make sense to me. But hey, whatever.
The group of people applying for these jobs (all over the area, in nineteen different locations) were some of the most drastically different humans I've ever seen. You had your Hispanic, middle-aged guy in a polo that knew the tricks of the trade; your seemingly gay hipster kid who walked in wearing Aviators (and used to work at Wal-Mart); your Blockbuster veteran who had worked at a location in California for 6 or 7 years; your African-American man that looks to be pushing 50 with terrible teeth and Coke-bottle glasses; your audiophile that works or has worked at two of the city's most famous record stores (who offered to make me a few mix CD's, and claims to own hundreds of records); your cabinet-installing Steve Buscemi lookalike that is more obnoxious than anyone, and is of an indeterminable age; your freshly-graduated, long-haired kid with acne that wears button-up shirts with blue flames on them, who is applying for a manager position, all in the same room. If you think it was strange and uncomfortable, you are completely and totally correct. Except you didn't experience it. It sounds unpleasant, but I assure you that when I was done, my mouth was dry and you would easily soak a towel with all of the sweat on my body. And I don't get uncomfortable like that very often.
Anyways, I got the job, and start this Friday. Sorry this blurb was so long. I didn't expect it to be.

State of the blog: October 29, 2008

2008-10-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

I'm incredibly sorry for not posting anything for the last few days. My computer keeps randomly shutting off when I try to post on Blogger (for some odd reason). It does it at other times too, but I suppose that doesn't really matter to most of you.
I've been working while I've been away though. I have a few post ideas for the next few days, including one titled "The Top 5 Words Pornography Has Changed Forever." Exciting, no?

I removed Danny and Anna from the people able to write for this blog. They weren't doing anything, and I was tired of being a dick to them. So I guess I'm writing solo for now.

I signed up for a novel-writing adventure thingy for next month as well. During the entire month of November I'll be attempting to write 55,000 words in novel format. Sounds fun, doesn't it? I'll be writing a story I've been wanting to for a while. I'm excited. The website for the project (National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo) is located here. So hopefully my computer is fixed by then, right?

I've also been working on my novella a little bit as well. It's coming along really nicely. I'm having a blast writing it. All of the feedback that you guys have been giving me has really been helping me. I'm generally the type of person that abandons projects like this pretty easily, but constant support from readers and friends keeps me going. Thanks everyone.

Irrelevance (T.W. #4)

2008-10-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

Lego Batman
For the past few days, I’ve been playing the new Lego Batman game obsessively. I don’t play video games that often, so this is sort of surprising. I’ve been a fan of the past two Lego + franchise games (Star Wars and Indiana Jones), because I enjoy both franchises (at least, before they were ruined). But they were lacking something that they didn’t leave out of this one. I get the feeling that this one was made FOR FANS. For instance, the villains that the game includes are Killer Croc, Two-Face, the Joker, the Penguin, Firefly, Clayface, Poison Ivy, the Riddler, and Mr. Freeze. If you are wondering who some of those are, I’ve proven my point. I highly suggest you pick it up. It’s easily the best Batman game of all time (it’s not a hard title to win, but whatever).

Ben Folds’ Way To Normal
I’ve written about Ben Folds a few times before, and he had a new album release at the end of last month. Well, after listening to it a few times, I can say with full confidence that it contains some of his best songs. “Hiroshima,” “Brainwashed,” and “You Don’t Know Me” are my favorites, and I was disappointed by “Cologne.” But that’s it. Nothing else really let me down. Good job, Benjamin.

Rolling Stone
Rolling Stone magazine changed their format recently. Usually a large-format ‘zine, they have now adopted the standard magazine format for publishing all future issues. I saw it on a newsstand the other day, and it completely blew my mind (despite hearing about the change earlier in the week). It’s weird how such a small thing can change your view of something so much. Now, I’m afraid it won’t stand out anymore. Their fault, though.

Sex Drive
I saw the movie Sex Drive this past weekend, and wasn’t disappointed. It’s a sex comedy in the same vein as American Pie, Knocked Up, and Superbad. If you like any/all of those, check it out. James Marsden steals the movie, playing the perfect douchebag older brother.But I have something to say about two of the actors in the movie. First of all, Josh Zuckerman (who plays Ian, the main character) looks identical to Jason Schwartzman. Below is a picture comparing the two: They even have the same mole on their cheek! You can’t tell me that they don’t at least look like brothers or something. It’s creepy.
Second, Amanda Crew (who plays Felicia) is absolutely beautiful. My crush on her is epic:Isn’t she adorable? I think so.

Dream #1

2008-10-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

Usually, I hate it when people tell me their dreams. I'm one of those people that immediately tunes someone out if they say "So I had a weird dream last night..." Unless I was in it, I generally don't give a shit.
But I had a fucked up dream last night. My final thought before I fell asleep was "I forgot to brush my teeth." So my dream was as follows (Warning: kinda gross):

I was in a bathroom, looking at my teeth in the mirror, when I noticed a hole in my first molar. There was plaque all around it, so I cleared it out. It was literally the size of a dime. Anyways, I poked some sort of dental instrument into the hole, and more plaque started oozing out. I kept spitting it out, and pushing the hole even more. It reminded me of those Play-Doh spagetti makers, you know?
After about twenty "pushes," blood started coming out. I took this as a sign that I had better stop, and looked down at the sink. There was a pile of plaque, about the size of a shot put ball. Absolutely disgusting, right?

I already knew this, but this just proves that I don't like my teeth being dirty.

Small Soldiers

2008-10-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

When I was a pre-teen, my favorite movie was Small Soldiers. For those of you unfamiliar with this film, it followed an average-looking and acting boy named Alan, whose parents owned a hobby/toy shop. One day, they get in a shipment of "smart" toys, released by a company that knows that they are dangerous. There are two teams, the Gorgonites and Commando Elites. The Gorgonites are comprised of a few different creatures, and are lead by the kind and gentle Archer. The opposing, evil team was lead by Major Chip Hazard, and had a bunch of human army douchebags in it.
But I'm not here to discuss the merits of the movie. I'm here to discuss the toys that they released with it. My favorite toy as a child, aside from LEGOs, was this:(Note: not my toy) Archer, in real-life. I played with this toy until his joints became worn and would swing around freely. The bottoms of his feet were worn down to the grey plastic, from having so many concrete battles with my other action figures. Even better, he was huge. 9 or 10 inches tall, if I remember correctly. I used to carry him around by the shin. Everywhere. It didn't matter if the old ladies at the doctor's office judged me. I wasn't embarrassed to show my love for a half-claymation movie that was totally badass. I didn't give a shit. Archer was a slim thug, and everyone knew it.
But sadly, I don't know where my figure has ended up. It was probably sold for a buck at a garage sale a few years ago, when my parents decided to sell all of my toys in a giant box. I didn't care at this point in time, because toys were "for kids." But he may still be lurking in my attic somewhere, buried underneath layers of McDonald's toys from yesteryear. Who knows?

Testicular replacement

2008-10-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

This is another passage from my novella that I'm working on, Ridiculosity: A Lifetime of the Unabashedly Bizarre. Let me know what you think.

Rumors of Walters’ testicular replacement are true; doctor says
By Zelda Heinrich

Last week, famed writer, musician, and sea horse trainer Ty Walters was rumored to have had an experimental testicular replacement surgery, despite having no medical problems in his nether regions whatsoever. The wildly-circulating rumors were proven true when the head doctor of said operation stepped forward with a statement yesterday.
"Walters came to us with a request, and paid us over $4.7 million dollars to carry it out," says James Hildenburg of the Center for Testicular Replacement and care in Chicago, Illinois. Hildenburg went on to explain that he replaced Walters’ standard, pube and lint-covered nutsack with a more ergonomic platinum-coated steel one. Walters apparently then asked the team that replaced his precious balls if they could embellish the cold, steel exterior of the left testicle with sapphires, and the right with emeralds; making the term “family jewels” completely literal. The team agreed.
"It really is a beautiful sack," says Hilde Bruntguarde, one of the nurses that helped during the procedure. "I would definitely love it if my man would get something like that. I can imagine the world looks better through his pair of Arabian goggles."
Hildenburg also said that Walters is planning on going into the Center sometime next week, with plans to have the team make his new testicles clank together to the tune of the Pantera song "Cowboys From Hell." No word yet on how the team plans to do this.

"Wildly Cherry" M and M's (yep, still can't use an ampersand)

2008-10-16T21:21:00.000-07:00

I don't want to waste a long post on this, but I wanted to write something about these strange candies.
They taste like M&M's if they mixed the chocolate with shitty-tasting cherry cough syrup. I hated them. A lot. That is all.

A letter to PETA

2008-10-16T12:30:00.000-07:00

Dear PETA,

I, unlike most non-vegetarians or vegans, respect you. Yes, even through the countless scandals, unorthodox techniques for gaining attention, and advertisements with naked people in them, I consider you an eccentric, yet reputable organization.
But this bullshit with your teenage members changing their legal names to one of your many websites needs to stop. It started back in '06 with 19-year old Chris Garnett changing his name to Kentuckyfriedcruelty.com, and now another 19-year old has followed suit, changing her name from Jennifer Thornburg to Cutout Dissection.com. I know you are all passionate about protecting animals and what not, but doing things like this isn't going to help you gain members. It's just going to make your community seem more cult-like. No one wants to join a cult, PETA. Especially one that is based around something as futile as animal rights.
Please, take my advice, and tell your members to cut the shit. It's really getting annoying.

Sincerely,
Ty Walters

P.S. KFC is delicious. I don't care what you say.

An exercise in ridiculousness #2 - moldy bowl

2008-10-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite images on the internet. When looking at this bowl and sink, I think of college. Though I have yet to experience the horrors of having an untidy roommate, I think this picture basically covers it. What gets me most about it is that this is not in a kitchen, but a bathroom. What the fuck could grow that type of greenish yeast mold in a bathroom? It looks like chicken broth from chicken noodle soup. But at this point, who knows?

Irrelevance (T.W. #3)

2008-10-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

The Joker
If you are going to be one of the thousands of people that goes as the Joker for Halloween this year, please, do it right. Don't buy a mask, paint your face. Don't buy a pre-made costume, make it yourself. The more effort you put into it, the more you'll stand out. I don't want to see a zillion people in the exact same outfit this year. Spice it up a bit, you ingrates.

Douglas Adams
I have an obsession with the late, great Douglas Adams. Famously known for writing the five-part Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy (no, not a typo), I fell in love with his writing when I was 14 after reading about it in the comic strip Get Fuzzy. He is my biggest inspiration as a writer, and I truly wish I could have met him before he passed away in 2001.
I do collect his books, however. Any editions, any reprintings, any languages. I'm obsessed. It doesn't hurt my wallet, either. When used bookstores sell books, they sell them for half of the "listing price," or the price on the book, and most of his books were released in the 80's, so I'm usually getting them for $2-$3 apiece. It's a fantastic hobby. I have 34 total, at the moment.

MGMT
For a scene-ish band, MGMT (pronounced "management;" look it up) isn't all that bad. Their debut album, Oracular Spectacular, was released to really good reviews, and I managed to avoid downloading it until around 3 weeks ago. At first, I hated it. Now, it's really good. I love it when you have that sort of relationship with music. It makes it all the better.

The Presidential election
I don't want to start a political debate here, but my first vote as an adult will be for Barack Obama. Being a registered Democrat, I really don't have much of a choice, but I'd vote for him either way. He, in my mind, is the candidate that truly cares about the American people. John McCain isn't a terrible guy. He fought for our country, and I respect him for that. But as a resident of his senatorial state, Arizona, I can safely say that he is not right for America.

Zune
A few weeks ago, I received a 30 GB Zune from a Microsoft promotion that I won a year ago (good job getting it shipped out fast, Bill), and decided to keep it rather than sell it. I was in the market for a new MP3 player anyways, so I figured it was just good timing. I love it, despite one flaw: the fucking shitty program that it forces you to use. After using iTunes loyally for 4 years, I can safely say that the Zune music software is the worst program for managing music. The stupid thing found songs that I didn't even know were on my computer. It's insane. And fucknuts. Fix it, Microsoft. Please. My iPod is dead now, and I really need it.

Musicals
I am one of the few straight men that isn't in a theatre troupe that actually enjoys musicals from time to time. But everything I love is being turned into one. Evil Dead has a musical deal, Spider-Man has a musical deal, and now there are rumors that the Goonies might have one too. Isn't that strange? I'd love to see all three though, assuming they were done right. Maybe I need to move to New York. And become gay.

The Nightcrawler Sketchbooks

2008-10-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

Diana Nock loves Nightcrawler. A lot. So much, that since 2004, she's collected 192 sketches (and counting) from different artists at comic cons and other events. She now has a section on her site devoted to these sketches. She scanned each one in, and wrote a brief 2-3 sentences about each. The above sketch is by Michael Lark (who drew me an awesome sketch of Batman a few years ago), and is one of my favorites from the collection. Even if you don't like the blue-skinned teleporter, or comics in general, it's a neat collection. Nightcrawler is one of my favorites though, and I have to admit, I'm incredibly jealous.

Found on Neatorama.

Halloween candy-giving

2008-10-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

Over the last few years, I've noticed something interesting about myself. As Halloween looms closer and closer, I slowly become more anxious. Thanks to a near-panic attack last year on the evening of the 31st, I now know why.
I'm not part of the semi-sparse "over 14" crowd that goes out on Hallow's eve, so I'm usually left at home handing out candy for an hour or two while my parents take my little brother out and about to get his unnecessarily large amount of candy. But being left home alone isn't what freaks me out. Hell, I'm home alone right now, and that just means that I can play The Mars Volta at ridiculous volumes. But it's the "handing out candy" half of the equation that freaks me out. I HATE doing this. More than anything. Ever. I don't know why, but I get incredibly sweaty, nervous, and embarrassed when forced to do this. Every year, I feel the seven year-old Spider-Man on my doorstep silently judging me as I shovel several "Fun Size" candy bars into his bag. He doesn't say anything (aside from "Trick or Treat!" and "Thanks!"), but I know he wants to insult my Reese's and Snickers. They aren't good enough for that motherfucker. His eyes say it all, even behind the mask that he's wearing.
That, and I feel even more awkward when I know the people that I'm giving candy to; even if I've just seen them about town or something. Seriously, thinking about it right now makes my pulse quicken and my actions become less fluid and more shaky. Am I the only person that feels this way? I get the sense that this is a serious phobia of mine, as strange as it sounds. I'm already hoping that there is a party or another sort of social gathering that I can be a part of this year, rather than staying home and being tortured by bucket-toting children in costumes.